36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.

32.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that you will be able to go all eternal sunshine in your brain. there are so many things and people that I would really like to forget all about. and there are things I wouldn't touch. it would probably be surprising to most people what i'd keep and what i'd wipe away.

ermagherd! day 31!

that's right! i'm updating on time! yeeeeah! and we passed the first month marker!

yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D

this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.

past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.

like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.

besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.

OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.

lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-

"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."

then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!

last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.

but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.

because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.

casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.

I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.

but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?

I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<

yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.

too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.

I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.

and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.

I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.

so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.

I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...

m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.

Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.

everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.

casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.

I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?

i'm totally screwed. >.<

toodles, loves.

days 15-19

my sincere apologies, to all zero of you, for missing the past four days. i've literally looked at my computer and thought about it every single day but I have not had the strength or time to write anything. see, things have sort of cannonballed into a clusterfuck these past four days. a ginormous clusterfuck of shit haha. we shall start at the beginning.

 

 

Thursday (day 15)- the whole situation with Past's kid having lice was bugging me so bad. so, I decided Wednesday night to keep the boys home Thursday & Friday and get the house deep-cleaned, to make sure that nothing gets on us. so instead of waking up at 6 am, I woke up at about 830. the day was seemingly going to be a fantastic one. ha ha ha. yeah, right. this could get complicated, so hang in there with me.
time to introduce Barbie and Ken (who literally deserve the title. two extremely beautiful people).

Ken just so happens to be Lucky & Past's big brother. Barbie has been a friend of mine since high school. they are married, have been for 5 years. however, for the past 6 months or so, they have been having troubles. apparently it came to a head Thursday. some things happened, that are definitely not my business to share, and Barbie showed up just after I woke up. she stayed here all day and we talked and tried to weed through some of the crazy that had happened. later that night, I went to see ken, to check on him and see how he was doing. lucky was there, which made it that much worse. I've been really beginning to understand how awful and self-destructive this whole thing with him is.

(just to interrupt here, I am literally falling asleep typing this. what a super bowl sunday.)

but anyway, that was really the completion of Thursday. I hoped to wake up early on Friday & head to K's to finish doing all my laundry, because at the moment all of our bedclothes were being washed. and sleeping without a sheet and all my comfy pillows. siiigh, not cool.

 

Friday (day 16)- this day got started fairly slow. I was hoping that Barbie and Ken would be able to at least communicate today, so I could stay out of it and get my stuff done. instead, I spent the whole day texting and calling back and forth with both of them, hearing both sides of the story in real-time. which, combined with doing laundry at K's and driving around doing errands, with both boys with me, and spending three hours at Barbie and ken's house while she packed up her stuff, was pretty draining. but that night, I got an invitation from Lucky & Ken to join them for a night out. problem is, Barbie was going out with her friend and Past. at the same place as us. >.< son 1 was going to his dad's and son 2 was staying at K's, so I felt okay going out with them, just to keep things calm if necessary. we went to a local bar, which was thankfully dead. lucky was acting insanely weird all night, but I don't even feel like getting into it. we had an okay time, I drank water, and sang a little on karaoke, which lucky decided to hijack and had me laughing my ass off. past didn't come, but I did go to the other side of the bar and saw Barbie and her friends. which is when a funny little thing happened.

 

as I was leaving my house to head out, I got a text from Past. it was just her, being a bitch and an idiot and trying to upset me. I deleted it and went on about my way, but when I spoke to Barbie, I brought it up. she told me that Past had also texted her, after learning that we had hung out Thursday and Friday and that I had spoken to Barbie about what had happened between us, she told Barbie that maybe she should go apartment hunting with me instead. so I assured Barbie that she was more than welcome to tell Past that she hated me or whatever it took to get things okay again. but Barbie disagreed with me. the rest of the night was pretty tame.

 

 

 

Saturday (day 17)- my (chosen) brother B was asleep on the couch when I got home Saturday morning lolz, so when we all woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, I got about fifteen minutes with him before I had to rush to K's to get my munchkin & finish up laundry, because another night with no blankets and sheets and pillowcases was not acceptable. turns out, my brother was returning later that evening, along with several other friends, to have a little shindig. I was so excited. but first I had to work. it was to the grocery store, then here to run them all upstairs and put them away, then to K's to take her groceries in, then to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house and make a huge breakfast/lunch and take care of all 5 kids running through the house, and then clean up after eating. whew. especially with just K and I working, because her husband got off at 8 that morning and was sleeping, it was a lot. so by the time I got home, taking all 5 kids with me, to put all of our beds back together and get all the laundry put up. while also trying to clean my house, because the past two days I hadn't been home long enough to get it straightened up. i was exhausted. every part of my body hurt. I didn't want to breathe or move or socialize. and of course I didn't finish before my guests started arriving. but fortunately we had a great night regardless, playing some drinking games and getting wobbly. :))

 

 

 

 

didn't wanna put up any of the photos of my frans & I, so they don't get butthurt just in cases and i'm too lazy to edit them right now lolz.

 

sunday (day 18)- today was the day of the big superbowl party I was invited to. and I was a nervous wreck. I was only going to know the sweet lady that invited me and her husband and Barbie, who is her sister. I tend to get pretty anxious around new people. it's hard for me to read people's intentions, so it's hard for me to know if they like me or not. and when i'm not sure if people like me, it makes me anxious. I have a big problem with people not liking me, which I know is not healthy or okay, but i'm working on it.

 

now, I offered to bring food to this party. I also offered to make a cake and cupcakes for K's son, for them to take to their superbowl party. his birthday is Wednesday, so it was all a big surprise. woke up late again, so I had a house to clean of cigarettes butts and beer cans/bottles. I managed to get things mostly under control, but I also brought K and three of her four munchkins, obviously not the birthday boy, to make all the stuffs. even though we started immediately, it was already running into 2 o'clock and we were set to be leaving at 4:45. ha ha ha. I love the saying- when you make plans, God laughs. even if i'm not overly religious, it's so true for me.

I was literally running on E at this point. my body ached from all the running around and the up and down the stairs and here to there, so I was moving pretty slow. but we got everything started and baking, then I had to get my boys ready. K was going to drive me to my party, take them with her for their party, then keep them overnight. there was about a 90% chance that school would be cancelled Monday, so this way I wasn't driving after drinking and she wasn't having to come get me late at night.

so here we are. unfortunately, several days of drama drama drama had pushed me to my limits in terms of handling stress. especially since my phone was still ding ding dinging, I ended up getting into an argument with K, our first ever, but we made up while crying and rolling up pizza bites, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to be gone already. I had blue icing in my hair. I wasn't dressed or ready. my face was swollen and blotchy from crying intermittently all day long. my anxiety was even more hyped up.

 

but I went to the party. I immediately started drinking. but I also just acted like myself, which was pretty fantastic. we had fun. we played beer pong. we watched the broncos get their ass beat. I got so disgustingly drunk, but thankfully handled myself pretty well. and there just happened to be a fella there. a cute fella. we talked. we flirted. we went on smoke breaks outside in the icy rain together. and I, for the first time in my entire life, did something crazy.

 

men always, always, always pressure me. they tell me they are fine with waiting, but then they just don't stop. and yeah, I can take the blame at times. when i'm the one to say yes, it's alright. but even when I say yes, after it's over and done, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let myself get convinced. that my self control is literally zero.

I have never made the first move on a guy. I have never kissed a guy first. it took months with Loaf to even initiate sex and even more months after that to even be able to open my eyes during sex. I can't take the pressure, the intimacy... it's too much for me to be able to connect and communicate and be active in sex. it's so hard for me.

 

halfway through the night, the fella was headed to the bathroom. and he head-nodded me. can you understand how big this was for me? boys don't head-nod me. they don't make googly eyes at me. they don't flirt and ask me questions and tell me i'm beautiful. they don't make adorable jokes while we are standing in the icy rain and compare it to me being in the shower with them, saying it would be amazing. he literally surprised me. I was not in any way expecting him.

maybe it's just because I was lonely. things with M&M have kind of been in stasis. we still talk, I still like him a lot, but the distance and the whole poorness of both of us makes it so hard. so maybe that's the reason.

 

or maybe I don't need a reason. maybe I am just a woman, who for once in her life, felt desirable and sexy and wanted. and I took advantage of that.

 

he head-nodded me. so I followed him. and standing there in the hallway, with him being so cute, I leaned forward and I kissed him. then, when he was done and back out, I kissed him again. and later, outside smoking, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. oh, so much kissing. so much wonderful, sweet, nothingness kissing. and that night, we slept in the same room. on the same futon mattress in a spare bedroom. and there was more kissing. and talking. and me, telling him what I wanted. letting him be nice and giving and sweet. it was so dark. we couldn't even see each other. I kissed his eye, he kissed my nose. I kissed his chest, he kissed my forehead. and I put his hands where I wanted them. and when I was ready, I told him. and it was good. it wasn't the best, but it was so good. and you know what else?

 

I kept my eyes open. the whole time.

 

yeah, it was dark. but I did it. I really, really did. and when it was over, I was okay. I did not feel guilty. I felt a little silly. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. but I did not feel guilty. I did not feel forced. I felt just fine.

 

earlier in the night, I picked up his phone while cleaning. I told him I had it. he told me to put my number in there. I didn't. while in the room, I mentioned something about the hostess and her husband planning on setting us up. he told me he knew. that he might have looked me up beforehand. it made me feel even better. and even less guilty. because I didn't. I disregarded the notion of being set up. nor did I ask her when I arrived who the guy was. I just let it happen. I did something amazing for me. I took control of myself and I did something I wanted to do.

 

I don't need to feel bad. or slutty. or stupid. nor do I need to take any bullmess from anyone about it. J made a few cracks about it when I came home and told him. and honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings. I know he meant nothing by it, that he was just trying to be funny. but the truth of it stung me. because some people really do mean it. they really do think i'm disgusting or easy or slutty. and I don't deserve to be judged. hell, I feel like having a fucking party for it. I feel like I lost my virginity all over again. for once in my life, I took control.

 

and honestly, I would totally be straight not seeing him again. if it happens, it does, but i'm not doing anything about it. I didn't give him my number. I didn't facebook him. and i'm not going to. if he does, he does. if he doesn't, he doesn't. and i'm so okay with that. because honestly, i'm pretty sure he would be a repeat of Loaf. he told me some of his story and it was awful. he's been through a lot recently. but i'm not interested in fixing somebody. i'm interested in building a life and a family with somebody. and you know, I feel like M&M might just be worthy of that. only problem there is that we can't get our lives to mesh.

 

 it would explode me to finally get some big romantic gesture from a man. for him to show up at my door with flowers or candy or nothing at all but his smile. for him to tell me that I am it. that I am the one he wants. that if he has to move mountains and oceans to be near me, to be with me, that he will do it.

 

but i'm too old for fairy tales. too old for that kind of romance. seems like i'm one of the only ones left on the planet that believes that way. that wants a relationship the movies would be jealous of. and I guess I can deal with that. I can deal with being with a guy who loves me enough. just enough, to share a life together. but not enough for romantic gestures. not enough for movie-worthy love. and yeah, I guess that will be okay. if that's my only choice, I can be okay. eventually, yeah.

 

today was uneventful. my sweet boys partied all night too, and school ended up being officially cancelled by about 9pm, so everyone slept in. then we came home and lazed around and ate sandwiches and drank root beer and slept some more. it's been a wonderful, lazy, comfy day. and tomorrow it's back to life. back to school. back to responsibility.

 

so, tonight, after spending close to 7 hours writing this, probably forgetting tons of things, that no one would be interested in anyway, it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, all over again. and when I go to bed tonight, I go happy. peaceful. sure. and feeling so good about doing something for myself.

 

toodles, strangers. toodles.

 

 

 ooops, almost forgot to add pictures from the superbowl party! :))

 

 

 

margaritaaaaaas. my downfall, hahaha.

 

 

me and the elusive Kramer. yeah, that's his nickname. J says he doesn't need a nickname since he was a one-nighter, but I say what the hell.

 

I made one shot the whole night, but it was pretty amazing haha.

 

can you tell that a VERY DRUNK Barbie was taking these? yeah, she was.

 

 

they got a cup. >.< I tried to chug an extremely tequilay shot. hard.

 

 

the one picture we took together that turned out okay, while I was shooting. he sure is a cutie. but a forgettable one.

 

when Barbie and I played together. do you see her? DO YOU SEE HER?!?! THIS IS WHAT I STAND NEXT TO WHEN I GO OUT WITH HER. THIS IS WHY I'M SHOCKED THAT KRAMER TALKED TO ME OVER HER. yeah, yeah. every body is beautiful. and I am beautiful. but the majority of average American men would pick Barbie over me, any day. so props to that fella. big props.

 

 

Barbie & I, with no blurries. & I'm showing pictures of her without blurring, because we post pictures on facebook and instagram and you guys would see them anyway if you click any of my links. a lot of my other friends are a little camera-shy. she is definitely not. and I am not either lolz.

 

 another. can you literally tell how insanely drunk we were? yeah, we def were drunk. drunk drunk drunky mcdrunk drunk. insane.

 

 

okay, so that's all dears. it's all good.



isn't (day) thirteen unlucky? yeeah..

I woke up on time this morning, i woke up pain-free. that was positive. and found out that our town was covered with snow and ice, meaning school was cancelled. that was also positive. it meant I got to go back to sleep. but for some reason, before i did, I sent lucky a text while half-asleep. this led to him and i sending a few back and forth when I woke up a few more times. then, at 1, he said he was coming over to drink coffee. as soon as I read it, there was a knock at my door. he wasn't kidding. so we drank coffee. we watched supernatural. we talked and joked. then, a few hours later, I took him home.

 

apparently their tv and internet is out. so, I offered to let him take some movies with him. he declined. but when we got to his house, he asked me to bring him some. i declined. normally, I take him to his AA meetings during the week, but he said he wasn't going tonight. thus, I had no reason to get back out. so i came home. and i haven't left. it hasn't stopped him from texting me the entire time, though. until I finally responded and asked him if he for sure didn't want to go to his meeting. no answer now.

 

I had a plan. a way to stop all this confusing, stupid, leading on bullshit. however, it's a little impossible to carry out a plan when the other person is MIA. so maybe the best plan is no plan. maybe I should just stop. I mean, i'm not in any kind of relationship, but the continuous back and forth stupidity is way too much for me. I really just want to be done with this. I thought I could keep him even though I lost Past. but maybe it's time to say goodbye to both of them..

 

(in a side note of dashing Karma, apparently Past's house has been infested with lice. her oldest has it, which means all three of them could possibly have it soon. I feel it is no coincidence.)

 

I might be back around later, to do some more bitching, but right now I just wanna rest. feeling pretty sick to my stomach (possibly because I haven't eaten all day but still taken all my meds, oooops. I really have a problem with forgetting to eat.)

 

possibly toodles till tomorrow. <3

day twelve. blah.

quite a bit to get into today. but first, let's check out this HIGHlarious tiff I just got into with a religious nut.

 

my mom shared a status. as previously stated in this blog, my mother & I have get-along problems. we also have COMPLETELY different political and religious views. so she posts this link. it concerns the rumor about Hobby Lobby closing all their stores because the new obamacare stuff would make them cover the cost of the morning-after pill. unfortunately, it's a huge bunch of baloney. a scandal to stir up press, publicity, & pity.

 

 

 

 

Hobby Lobby does have a lawsuit going in an attempt to get a "free pass" for that part of the law.

 

and to me, my invisible friends, that's a huge load of bullshit. because INSTEAD of standing so hard to their convictions, Hobby Lobby is simply doing things the good ol' American way- suing the fuck out of anyone who pisses us off. and also, INSTEAD of actually closing stores to protest such audacity from our government, they are actually opening EVEN MORE STORES

 

so, what looks more important here? money or beliefs?

yeeeah, that's what I thought. :))

 

anyway, my mom posts this status to rile things up. so, I stated my opinion. as did my brother, right after me. and a friend of my mother, who will forever be known as jesusfreak.

 

 

 

I turned the notifications off after my last comment. I saw no need to continue playing games with her.

that woman is literally one of the dumbest people I have ever met. does she really think that telling me I have to answer to Jesus is gonna make a difference? would me telling her that she has to deal with the disappointment of no God make a difference?

 

no.
because no one fucking knows what is going on.

 

I just really can't stand stupid people unwilling to fully respect and accept that other people feel differently. I do my very best to not judge and to respect whatever other people believe. you think the flying spaghetti monster is what's up? alright then. you think a big ol' man with a white beard created the Earth & wrote a book about it and now we do what he says or we burn for eternity? alright then.

 

I have my beliefs. I don't feel like sharing them, because it's a lot more fun for you to assume. we all know where that gets you!

ass + me + you = not good. :))

 

soooo, time for some other business.

 

so far so good on the exfriend front. funny bit actually.

S told me one last thing about her, because I asked her to keep any and all future information away from me. She assured me this would be the last thing, because she did not plan on her coming back around. apparently when she came to pick up the girls from the birthday party, she asked if the knew anything about it. S said nothing, but her boyfriend and father of her children, laughed & said "yeah, she told us she was breaking up with you." her response was-

"yeah, I don't get it. I haven't even spoken to her or seen her in three weeks. so whatever ha ha ha."

 

funny thing there, folks. I left her things at her house on Friday afternoon. on Wednesday evening she unexpectedly showed up at my house. on Thursday evening she invited me to her house. all day Friday she was calling and texting me, begging for a babysitter. I politely told her no and went about my day.

 

'nother funny bit. for someone so "whatever", she now hasn't been home in two days. hmm. she either went ahead and moved to get away from me or she is hiding somewhere else. the best part about it is that I don't even care lol. I just find it funny that she is suffering so much and still wants to act like she's big and bad. which continues to just immensely prove my point.

 

oh my godddd. went to the doc today. got really no help but I did get two prescriptions that will hopefully help me function. however, right now, all the medicine is doing is making me so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. :/ so i'm trying to type this as fast as I can.

 

still talking to M&M. but I do have hesitations. now that we have met and touched and definitely been physical, the sick part of me really wants to sabotage it. every fiber of that being is screaming to end it. fighting that is so hard.

 

so because i'm totally fucked, I want to talk about someone else today. we will call him Lucky. because I constantly make fun of him for being a leprechaun (red hair, irish heritage, you got it).

 

lucky is the brother of the exfriend (you know what, fuck it, we will call her Past. because that is where she shall live). okay, so starting over-

 

Lucky. He is the brother of Past. I have known him as long as I have known her. And I have literally been in love with him since day one. He is an asshole, a drunk, a frequent visitor of jail, angry, mean..

 

Yeah, there's so much bad in him. But unfortunately, I have the habit of only seeing the good in people. And he has so much good. He is funny, caring, sweet, respectful. A total gentleman. And he always liked to flirt his ass off with me. especially when Loaf was around. we would go home together and all I would hear was- "Lucky fucking likes you, T. He definitely wants my girl. But he is never going to get her." then he would jealousy fuck me. which was actually pretty awesome.

yeah, I called it as bullshit lol. we were just flirty friends, despite my feels and constant vivid sex dreams about him. but after Loaf and I split, things changed. the flirting got more.. physical. we spent way more time together. and my feelings started exploding. couldn't hold them in anymore. so one day, out of the blue, I sent him a rose. on the card I wrote a lyric from a song that I had introduced him to. it was pretty much guaranteed that he would know it was me.

 

three days went by in slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow agony. I saw him in person twice and nothing was said. so I took the initiative. I sent him a text, telling him it was me. he said he knew. duh. so I told him we obviously needed to have a conversation about it. he came over the next day. it took a couple hours, plus his friend yelling at me and telling me I was just playing him because I had seen Loaf a week before (but didn't sleep with him, because I was committed to the whole Lucky situation), but finally we were alone and we had our talk. but it didn't end there. the talk continued for the next two days. here are his points-

1. I don't deserve to be liked by you.
2. I am a horrible person, who has done horrible things.
3. I am not in any stable place to have a relationship with anyone.
4. You are my sister's best friend. I don't want to fuck that up.

 

i know, right? he always tends to get so emo around me. it's hilarious. so after this, we spent a lot of time apart. I hid from him mostly, because he hurt me. and it killed me to be around him. especially because he openly admitted to me that he wanted me. that he liked me. and that maybe one day, when he got his shit together, we might could be.

 

 i don't know why i always go for the sluts, especially since i'm the exact opposite. having sex without feelings I can do, but I definitely hate it. i'd much rather give my body and orgasms to someone I have feelings for. it means more to me that way, always has.

 

soo, eventually we started talking again. still the cutesy physical flirting, still the constant talking. he always comes to me first whenever he needs anything and i am almost always happy to oblige.

 

since new years, things have changed. he stopped drinking. he also stopped talking to Past. they got into a fight and haven't made up. I doubt it will happen any time soon. I made a decision on January 1st that i will no longer be available to take care of everyone else, which led into cutting Past out. this meant that I had to stop dropping my life for whatever anyone needed, including Lucky. this has caused some strange differences in him. besides the not drinking (and this was a man who got 2 DUIS in a month, during the whole 'are we or aren't we' situation between the two of us, and drank every day and went to the bar at every opportunity), his whole attitude towards me has changed. while he still teases me, he does so in a sweet way now. the flirting is more sweet as well. any time i mention other guys he tends to get pretty upset. when i was talking to Jailbait (the dirty texter) and seriously considering hooking up with him, I mentioned it to Lucky. He told me I could definitely get me some young booty. Or, I could come to his house and watch a movie and eat pizza with him, his brother & his brother's wife.

>.<

soo, a double date you say? lolz. I honestly could not decide on my own, so i went to K's house and flipped a coin. Lucky won. When we went to the store to grab the pizza, K called. She asked if I was still sure of my decision. I told her I was staying with tails. Lucky heard this and figured out that I had flipped a coin. For the rest of the night he was upset, quiet, and distant. Since then, the texting and calling and cuteness has only increased. The night that M&M was coming over, he blew my phone up. Even though he had no idea of my plans, because I hadn't spoken to him in days. It was after 10 pm & we live in a small town, so the likelihood that it was for a ride to the store is slim to none. and because his phone was dead and the charger wasn't working, he sneak-called me from his sister-in-law's phone. I never called or texted him back. three days of texts followed. including one last night telling me he managed to find a new charger and had a phone back. then another this morning asking if I could take him to his AA meeting tonight.

 

i agreed. because just because I lost Past, doesn't mean I have to lose Lucky.

 

my feelings for him are confusing. as a very close friend of his, I love him. deeply. however, when we had our big talk and he shut me down, I literally shut it down. I closed that door. I started to really put my energy towards getting to know M&M and moving on.

 

before new years, before the drinking stopped, he came to my house drunkish one night. he watched insidious 2 with me. he held my hand through the whole movie. then he told me to move over in the bed and laid with me. in between passing out and waking up, the most he did was try to take my hand again and pet my hair. i was surprised and shocked. as I've said, i'm used to being attacked and hurt by men. it's basically a major part of my life. so to see him being so timid and respectful... while it was easy to turn down his gentle offers, the fact that he never once tried to hurt me or push me... that meant a whole lotta lot.

especially since guys pushing me to have sex even when I say I don't want to is a really big thing. like literally every single time, even with M&M. they keep touching and kissing and talking so sweet and sexy until I basically just give up, even when I really just don't want it at all. and i don't blame them for it, when it's actually consensual, but I just don't know why when i say no, they don't just respect that and stop trying. I just don't understand why no doesn't mean no. ever. :/

 *and then tonight he was just so super fucking cute and being so fucking nice and chatty and fuck me. this is bullshit*

 

so there is that. and that's lovely and all. but as this point, now all I have is a big ol' bag of confusion. fuuuu.

 

 

want some more fun news? Jailbait, the little one who loves to talk dirty to me, texted me today. the last time we spoke was a few weeks ago. I invited him over late at night to "hang out" (okay, look, I was fucking desperate at the time. really needed someone to come and make me feel beautiful. weak point) and he totally chickened out. so I told him to forget it and me until he was ready to be a man. I can't do screenshots, so i'll just relay the messages from today by typing them. and for the record, I never read the last ones he sent me this morning, so i'm going to be just as surprised by whatever they say.

 

 

Jailbait (6:03am)- Hey

 

Me (6:58am)- Hi

Jailbait (6:59am)- What's up?

 

Me (7:00am)- Just woke up.

Jailbait (7:02am)- Well get your ass on up lol

Me (7:16am)- Working on it lol. Just got out of the shower.

 

Jailbait (7:18am)- Without me?!?

 

Me (7:44am)- Hahaha. Well yes.

Jailbait (7:51am)- That's no fun/good

 

Me (7:52am)- Sure it is. Plenty of good fun, actually. :))

 

Jailbait (7:58am)- How you finger?

Jailbait (7:59am)- *figure ;) haha

 

Me (8:03am)- Omfg lmao. Cause I was alone. :))

Jailbait (8:04am)- Lameee lemme know next time

Me (8:05am)- Why would I do that, silly? :P

Jailbait (8:06am)- So I can bring the fun factory :p

Me (8:07am)- Hahaha. Right.



Jailbait (8:09am)- I know I folded last time but I didn't wanna just ditch my friend in the middle of the night he woulda got butt hurt. I gotcha next time for sure, I've been bad and need to be punished ;)

 

 

oh my dear lord. this kid is literally ridiculous. I don't think i even need to text his crazy ass back. all he wants to do is fuck me and while i had a weak moment, thankfully he is young and stupid and bailed. saved me the guilt and such. and more of me being sexually aroused to the point that I have sex just so the guy will leave me alone. :/

 

so thats my life right there. currently having some serious issues with what I feel vs. what I want vs. what I need.

 

blaaaah. seriously. if you see this. if you read this. help me. Ive talked to my friends till im literally blue in the face, but maybe an outside opinion could be helpful.

 

night nights. toodless. <3

days eight and nine. woo..

things have not been 100% awesome around the homestead the past two days. so, in order to get a clearer, more structured rundown, i'm going to split this up.

 

situation 1- breaking up is hard to do. be it a spouse, friend, or even a colleague, it doesn't get any easier. there are still things to exchange, hurtful words to be spoken, & rejection to face. normally, i get the pleasure of being the rejected. I am a never-give-upper. I will literally fight for whatever we have even as you are verbally, mentally, & physically abusing me. because if I don't have someone to take care of then i'm a failure.

hahahahaha. doesn't that sound ludicrous? doesn't that sound insane? unhealthy? unbalanced? codependent? yeah, all of those would describe that situation & myself. well, before two days ago.

see, two days ago, a woman I loved very deeply looked into my eyes. this woman had been my closest confidante for the past two and a half years. her children were my children. although, my children never seemed to be hers.. she never seemed to care too much about me, my business, unless it included someone new she could push out.

 

yes, i said it. I had a sort of single white female sitch going on, except she didn't want my identity. she just wanted me. all the time, on call for her, never full with plans to do anything else. I bought clothes for her daughters to keep at my house. I fed them, bathed them, taught them, disciplined them, tucked them in, played with them, & loved them to the moon and back.

 

yeah, except there were penalties. if i was not able to drop my life for her at once, there would be "fights". hurtful words, accusations, hiding from one another. then, right when i'm starting to seriously consider hooking as a side job, in she would swoop with money, cigarettes, food, whatever i needed, except for an apology for her totally selfish & psychotic behavior.

 

and I allowed this to go on for two and a half years. I never spoke my mind to her, never asked to be treated better. never asked why it always seemed to be my fault when we fought, ignoring the startling similarities to the relationship I recently ended with a man who was never and will never be good enough for me. so what's the difference here? oh, she's my "friend". friends don't break up. they fight & get over it. except, here I am, spending all of my time, money, energy, sacrificing any new friends/boyfriends in my life (she literally did all she could to isolate them or make them uncomfortable enough to bail).

 

I was miserable. I couldn't take it anymore. but I had this need for something solid. something beyond a shadow of a doubt that would prove to me that I wasn't imagining it. even relaying all the details to my actual, true friends, I would beg them- 'tell me this isn't what it looks like'.  .. but it always was.

 

then, she looked me in the eyes. she told me a lie. it was slightly disconcerting, since I already knew the truth of the story (unbeknownst to her). and the fact that it literally took away any and all blame possibly placed on her was the icing on the cake. here is this woman. she could tell me the truth. she could be my homie, my pal, be truthful with me. instead, she looks me in the eyes & tells me literally the dumbest lie I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. I left shortly after, deciding that it was time to end this. I graciously packed her things & her daughters' things. I took them to her house today while she was at work (which unfortunately is within walking distance of my own, fuck), along with a note.

here is your stuff. I feel like I have to be done
with this. please respect that & let me have some
space. -t

since dropping it off, I've been a nervous wreck. I knew when it came in, that it would hurt. she doesn't hit to surprise, she hits to kill. and it came in, alright, loud & clear-

she told the girls. I figured she would. I figured she would immediately take it to the girls, to try to guilt me into coming back or talking to her. and if I was stupid & weak, then I would fall for it. but instead it just made me feel even shittier, but so much stronger than I already did. but, there's gonna be plenty of people that come in and out of my life. kids included. and if I have to get over saying goodbye to people, then starting with those two little girls, who I really genuinely love, is something that has to be done. because I can't continue to interact with someone who has so little regard for me that she would do this, just to stay a part of the girls' life. just to keep them safe. I have to believe someone else will be there for them because I no longer can.. she knows all my issues. she knew this would hurt me. she knew it would fuck me up. hell, she even knew it would make me want to cut and try to come back to her.
 it's a petty move I expected, but still, it only served to validate my decision.

however, despite that, I am still sitting here. I am still employing tactics to keep from slicing myself open.

step 1- super hot shower. oh wait, no. SCALDING hot shower. stand in this until you grind your teeth to bite back the pain, till your skin is bright red, till tiny blisters pop up on your hands & legs. stay until the water runs ice cold. stay until your previous scars pop out like secret messages.

it's been so long since I hurt. I really, really don't want to. which is why it's on to..

step 2- alcohol. nicotine. whatever drug you choose, get it. get it in multiple quantities. unfortunately, i'm stuck with 2 of my 3 favorites tonight.

that cup is literally half full of vodka and half full of mountain dew. it's a disgusting concoction that I came up with after Loaf & I broke up. I drank it for three weeks straight. I was drunk allll the time. obviously, after school hours, but pretty much as soon as my kids were home it was sip sip time. this was before J moved in. I don't think i'd be able to get away with that with him here.

 

step 3- emo playlist. it's a thing. a thing that must be done. you literally go through your entire music collection. you find the saddest, most tear you down songs. then you throw them all together & listen to it on repeat.

this is the one currently making my ears bleed, lolz. but thankfully, the urge to cut has gone away. I've take a single sip out of my huge beverage, & I haven't had a single cigarette. because the most important step is..

step 4- get it out. write, talk, sing, scream, cry, punch, kick, stomp, clap, bang.

do whatever the fuck you have to do to get this feeling the fuck OUT of you. because the longer it stays in, the longer it festers, & the more damage it's going to do to you. so I cried. and I wrote this. and the only thing i'm feeling right now is regret that it's after 9 on a Friday, my kids aren't home, J is leaving, & i'll probably just pass out as soon as I finish this. so, onto the next!

situation 2- ah, feels. so fantastic. >.<
but seriously. everyone loves that feeling when you meet someone new. you get the butterflies, the giggling, the hope. when you look at them, you see endless possibility. welp, there's a fella like that for me right now. it's not often in my life that a guy makes it far enough that i'm actually considering telling him all the deepest & darkest. i'm fucked up when it comes to men & sex & relationships.

I had my first ever blind date (not with my current fella, who we shall call ... M&M), but with a fella I called Farm, back in November. Date was great, he was alright, we had sex, & I bailed on it. I put up the front that I was interested, but in reality I told him zero about me that went beyond my sexual interests. That worked just fucking fine for me. Then came Caveman. we were set up by the friend I just broke up with. He seemed like he could be something pretty serious.
Turns out, he had feelings for her. But still thought I was amazing & tried to guilt me into having sex with him while he was ridiculously drunk. Having been raped four separate times, I was pretty terrified. The ex-friend had left me alone with him & I didn't know what to do. She told me later that if she had known I was scared she would have gotten me out. Okay, I'm fucked up 86 ways from Sunday. The amount of tequila I drank alone, which she knows makes me stupid as hell, would have sunk me. But that plus the other party favors I sampled had me foggy as LA. I was stuck in this man's bedroom with him for about five hours while he came in and out of consciousness & I was certain I was going to be attacked at any moment. However, thankfully, that didn't exactly happen. I was able to push him off when he did get a little handsy. sort of. but that doesn't count & i'm not counting it. so shut up.

 

i'm a weak person. when a man wants something from me that I don't want to give, I don't do fight or flight. I do freeze. I become literally immobile. I have learned by now that I can just stay still & it will be over soon. that's a horrible awful way to deal, I know. and it's caused me to be so disgustingly timid when in bed with someone consensually. I literally want to do things, my head is full of ideas, but i'm too afraid to go after I want. because I never get to do that. the fella gets what the fella wants & I get left alone.

 

now, between these two, came M&M.

 

he was like a breath of fresh air. he was funny, real, down-to-earth. and most importantly, he was my age. we began texting pretty constant. conversation flowed easily. in between these two men, he was there. after both of them were gone, he was there. being awesome and charming and sweet. it wasn't really hard to like him. it was insanely easy, actually. the easiest thing I have done in my life.

however, he lives 2 hours from me. when both of us work our asses off just to make ends meet, it doesn't leave much left over for visits/dates/whatever. for two months we've talked, joked, flirted, & discussed meeting.

 

last night, shit got real. last night, he offered to drive here after work (at midnight). making his arrival 2 am. what a first date, eh?

his idea threw me for a huge loop. I had no idea how to even begin to comprehend this. wait, he wanted to come all the way here in the middle of the night? with no guarantee of sex? okay, obviously, he wants something. probably sex.

good thing I was in the absolute worst mood ever & desperately needed to see him for the first time. his arrival time ended up being more like 3 am. the witching hour. I could barely breathe as I stood outside on the stairs. my legs were going pretty numb. I was so scared that he was gonna take one look at me and change his mind. but as soon as he got out and his arms were around me.. I felt something I haven't in a very long time. I felt positive.

 

we had an amazing night & day. he was respectful, funny, sweet, caring, giving, sexy, patient, & just insanely understanding. I couldn't stop assuming he was gonna slit my throat at any moment. People, men, they are not nice to me like this. It doesn't happen. It never ever happens. So obviously he's just playing me. That's my theory.

yeah, well, even if that's the case, today was definitely the best so far this year. the details are mine to keep & cherish. but as he left me today, I felt such disappointment. I wasn't done spending time with him. I wasn't done kissing him. I wasn't done letting him make me feel so alive & desired & likeable. But I let him go. And letting him come back is a decision I haven't made yet.

I like him. Oh god, I like him & it's so terribly dangerous. Because liking someone means opening up. And I want to open up to him. I've already shown some of my silly, weird, crazy pieces to him. And he was totally amazing about them. But that isn't a guarantee that he'll stay that way. I am scary & intense & broken. What use could he possibly get from me? and the distance... i'm such a physical person. I crave touch and intimacy. could I actually handle a distanced situation without completely deteriorating?

but instead of worrying myself sick about it, I think i'll put the topic to the side. we are not together. there has been no question or discussion. and if it stays at visits like today, well maybe that'll be enough for me. but now isn't the time to figure that out. now is the time to get the sleep I have literally been craving all day.

so, now it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, i'm lonely, & I have a lot of things to sort through.

and I now have a crazy exfriend to hide from until she *hopefully* moves next month. fun times, fun times. if you're reading this and you have any advice, i'm desperate.

toodles.