36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.