36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.

ermagherd! day 31!

that's right! i'm updating on time! yeeeeah! and we passed the first month marker!

yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D

this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.

past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.

like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.

besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.

OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.

lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-

"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."

then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!

last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.

but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.

because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.

casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.

I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.

but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?

I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<

yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.

too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.

I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.

and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.

I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.

so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.

I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...

m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.

Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.

everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.

casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.

I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?

i'm totally screwed. >.<

toodles, loves.

day 27!

okay, technically, it's day 28 right now. but i'll be getting to today later today ha hah ahahahahahaha.

alright, i'm just a tad INSANE RIGHT NOW. JUST A TAD.

the pure RAGE inside of me is threatening to boil over.

we will get to that eventually. but first, I shall share with you WHY i'm updating yesterday today and then today later today.

they cancelled school Tuesday night because of possible impending weather. but the fun didn't start until after my boys & I woke up. I also had my nephew, plus tobin's follow-up hearing appointment. yeah, we didn't make it. I woke up at 6 am, looked outside, saw the ice coating my windshield, briefly considered the fun of driving in that and taking three rowdy boys to the doctor, and decided against. went back to bed and woke up at 8 to call and cancel the appointment. waited all day for them to call me back with a new appointment scheduled and they didn't. i'm assuming it's because they are assholes lol. i'm gonna call again in the morning I reckon.

so, after we awoke and got moving and cleaning and cooking, I saw the snow. it was falling fast and hard and fat. big ol' snowflakes that make you wanna squeal and dance around. and we totally did. had some running around to do, and the boys behaved amazingly, so I let each of them rent their own redbox movie, which they LOVED. and I rented the new Carrie, which I actually really liked.

seriously, I am trying SO hard to stop typing random words in all caps. and to calm down and let the stress go. but this day has literally had me by the balls.

we had stress, we had yelling, we had acting out. but at the end of the day, we had a good day. a fun day, eventually.

okay, so, RAGE. near the end of this day, which was full of me being stressed beyond my limits, I received a text from M&M. I tried to help as best I could, but it went in a completely different direction in about 14 seconds. I figured that was done for the talking for the night. yeah, apparently not. I sent him a text about the delicious two-layer cake I made, because of all the stress, and he responded with a 4 page sexy sexy text. it was nice, even though it was riddled with misspellings. drunk texting isn't clear texting. so all I responded with was the 
:Oface. this was then followed by another 4 page-ish text about coming over at 7 am in the morning to see me & fuck me sideways.

i'm not gonna lie. my lady parts were totally in agreement with that.

but anyone who has read this blog at all knows that the limbo stage that he and I have been in since he came to visit has been driving me insane. it's ridiculous that we are in some kind of weirdo in-the-middle stage. nothing has been declared, no feelings have been said. so when he offered me a visit for cuddling & fucking sideways, I was kind of angry.

okay, I was a LOT angry. because I would have loved to feel important and special and needed and wanted and all those things that girls and guys want to feel.

but I didn't feel that. I felt disappointed and confused and completely used. so that's what I told him. i'd screenshot it, but it's really not worth it. I don't give two fucks.

basically he chewed me out. like 6 pages worth. there were a lot of responses I was expecting, but that was not one. so I threw the shit right back at him. still waiting for him to wake up and respond. at this point though, i'm not sure it even matters. he pretty much set whatever feels I had for him on fire and then pissed on them. and I really hate the smell of pee.

so, toodles for now. the sun will be arriving soon and i'm anxious for it. now here's some photos!

 

nephew connor receiving his valentine from aunt toni today

 

tobin & his chocolate

 

calvin & his chocolate

 

the beautiful flowers my boys picked out for me for love day <3

 

the three musketeers ready for the snow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutesy snow photos, yay! ok really I looked like shit but shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah I just like my feet. shut up.

 

 

 

slumber parties, yeeeeeeeeeeah.

 

 

 

 

 

that cake has so many feels baked in it.

 

 

 

 

 

the before yummmz

 

the bubble bath & wine I was hoping would help me feel better. didn't work.

 

 

I totally sent this to jailbait on snapchat. loser.

 

the awesome slipper boots my boys got me for love day also! they spoiled me rotten today! :))

worst country song ever. & my life. (day22!)

*I am prefacing this update to say that while I do disagree with the particular message this song brings across, he did write it for his wife, who I am sure is totally normal-looking and not at all as crazy as the song makes it seem. let's look at her.

photo courtesy of google images & cmt.com

motherfucker. fine. just, fine. she is drop-dead, stunningly fucking gorgeous. and so is the girl in the video. so, guys will put up with any limit of crazy for that ^, but when it comes to this -->

 

well, we either get to be crazy or we get to be big. being both is a total no-no. that's asking men to deal with too much, right? (also, I am not at all saying that skinny girls have it easy. all women have to deal with stupid bullshit from men, skinny or not. it's just statistics that more physically appealing women can have many, many, MANY flaws and still have no lack of romantic relationships. but any mommas out there know that it doesn't give a damn what you look like, dating is still basically pointless lol. no actual guys ready to deal with you AND  your kids that no one else obviously wants, no matter how hot you look.) but seriously, this isn't some big serious mess i'm totally into. I just heard this fucking song so much that I decided to look up the video and it just cracks me up how all he had to do was put a sexy, skinny blonde in there and the words just fade away. even though they describe a very unstable woman. siiiigh. men. ;))*

 

day 20.

today was uninteresting. woke up kind of paralyzed this morning. sure it's not a big deal, but it's back to the doc in the morning to talk to him about my xray and a possible mri.

 

got my house fairly deep cleaned. did the grocery shopping. made a delicious dinner. got my kids in bed at a decent(ish) hour. and then took a nice long bubble bath. tomorrow is going to be busy busy busy. so here's a bunch of random pictures. haha. night and toodles, dears.

 

 

candles I lit in honor of an old friend, who is the reason for both my sons' middle names and the tattoo on my wrist. I miss him so much.

 

chicken and steak fajitas with tostitos, cheese dip, salsa, cosmo, & mtn dew in a wine glass. just because I can, bitches.

 

 

 

 

actually snapchatted this to M&M this morning. i'm really starting to miss him when we don't talk. i'm really starting to realize that I might very well be getting some serious feels for him. gah, this is scary scary business. guess i'll just have to figure out how to deal. blerrrgh.

 

<3



days eight and nine. woo..

things have not been 100% awesome around the homestead the past two days. so, in order to get a clearer, more structured rundown, i'm going to split this up.

 

situation 1- breaking up is hard to do. be it a spouse, friend, or even a colleague, it doesn't get any easier. there are still things to exchange, hurtful words to be spoken, & rejection to face. normally, i get the pleasure of being the rejected. I am a never-give-upper. I will literally fight for whatever we have even as you are verbally, mentally, & physically abusing me. because if I don't have someone to take care of then i'm a failure.

hahahahaha. doesn't that sound ludicrous? doesn't that sound insane? unhealthy? unbalanced? codependent? yeah, all of those would describe that situation & myself. well, before two days ago.

see, two days ago, a woman I loved very deeply looked into my eyes. this woman had been my closest confidante for the past two and a half years. her children were my children. although, my children never seemed to be hers.. she never seemed to care too much about me, my business, unless it included someone new she could push out.

 

yes, i said it. I had a sort of single white female sitch going on, except she didn't want my identity. she just wanted me. all the time, on call for her, never full with plans to do anything else. I bought clothes for her daughters to keep at my house. I fed them, bathed them, taught them, disciplined them, tucked them in, played with them, & loved them to the moon and back.

 

yeah, except there were penalties. if i was not able to drop my life for her at once, there would be "fights". hurtful words, accusations, hiding from one another. then, right when i'm starting to seriously consider hooking as a side job, in she would swoop with money, cigarettes, food, whatever i needed, except for an apology for her totally selfish & psychotic behavior.

 

and I allowed this to go on for two and a half years. I never spoke my mind to her, never asked to be treated better. never asked why it always seemed to be my fault when we fought, ignoring the startling similarities to the relationship I recently ended with a man who was never and will never be good enough for me. so what's the difference here? oh, she's my "friend". friends don't break up. they fight & get over it. except, here I am, spending all of my time, money, energy, sacrificing any new friends/boyfriends in my life (she literally did all she could to isolate them or make them uncomfortable enough to bail).

 

I was miserable. I couldn't take it anymore. but I had this need for something solid. something beyond a shadow of a doubt that would prove to me that I wasn't imagining it. even relaying all the details to my actual, true friends, I would beg them- 'tell me this isn't what it looks like'.  .. but it always was.

 

then, she looked me in the eyes. she told me a lie. it was slightly disconcerting, since I already knew the truth of the story (unbeknownst to her). and the fact that it literally took away any and all blame possibly placed on her was the icing on the cake. here is this woman. she could tell me the truth. she could be my homie, my pal, be truthful with me. instead, she looks me in the eyes & tells me literally the dumbest lie I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. I left shortly after, deciding that it was time to end this. I graciously packed her things & her daughters' things. I took them to her house today while she was at work (which unfortunately is within walking distance of my own, fuck), along with a note.

here is your stuff. I feel like I have to be done
with this. please respect that & let me have some
space. -t

since dropping it off, I've been a nervous wreck. I knew when it came in, that it would hurt. she doesn't hit to surprise, she hits to kill. and it came in, alright, loud & clear-

she told the girls. I figured she would. I figured she would immediately take it to the girls, to try to guilt me into coming back or talking to her. and if I was stupid & weak, then I would fall for it. but instead it just made me feel even shittier, but so much stronger than I already did. but, there's gonna be plenty of people that come in and out of my life. kids included. and if I have to get over saying goodbye to people, then starting with those two little girls, who I really genuinely love, is something that has to be done. because I can't continue to interact with someone who has so little regard for me that she would do this, just to stay a part of the girls' life. just to keep them safe. I have to believe someone else will be there for them because I no longer can.. she knows all my issues. she knew this would hurt me. she knew it would fuck me up. hell, she even knew it would make me want to cut and try to come back to her.
 it's a petty move I expected, but still, it only served to validate my decision.

however, despite that, I am still sitting here. I am still employing tactics to keep from slicing myself open.

step 1- super hot shower. oh wait, no. SCALDING hot shower. stand in this until you grind your teeth to bite back the pain, till your skin is bright red, till tiny blisters pop up on your hands & legs. stay until the water runs ice cold. stay until your previous scars pop out like secret messages.

it's been so long since I hurt. I really, really don't want to. which is why it's on to..

step 2- alcohol. nicotine. whatever drug you choose, get it. get it in multiple quantities. unfortunately, i'm stuck with 2 of my 3 favorites tonight.

that cup is literally half full of vodka and half full of mountain dew. it's a disgusting concoction that I came up with after Loaf & I broke up. I drank it for three weeks straight. I was drunk allll the time. obviously, after school hours, but pretty much as soon as my kids were home it was sip sip time. this was before J moved in. I don't think i'd be able to get away with that with him here.

 

step 3- emo playlist. it's a thing. a thing that must be done. you literally go through your entire music collection. you find the saddest, most tear you down songs. then you throw them all together & listen to it on repeat.

this is the one currently making my ears bleed, lolz. but thankfully, the urge to cut has gone away. I've take a single sip out of my huge beverage, & I haven't had a single cigarette. because the most important step is..

step 4- get it out. write, talk, sing, scream, cry, punch, kick, stomp, clap, bang.

do whatever the fuck you have to do to get this feeling the fuck OUT of you. because the longer it stays in, the longer it festers, & the more damage it's going to do to you. so I cried. and I wrote this. and the only thing i'm feeling right now is regret that it's after 9 on a Friday, my kids aren't home, J is leaving, & i'll probably just pass out as soon as I finish this. so, onto the next!

situation 2- ah, feels. so fantastic. >.<
but seriously. everyone loves that feeling when you meet someone new. you get the butterflies, the giggling, the hope. when you look at them, you see endless possibility. welp, there's a fella like that for me right now. it's not often in my life that a guy makes it far enough that i'm actually considering telling him all the deepest & darkest. i'm fucked up when it comes to men & sex & relationships.

I had my first ever blind date (not with my current fella, who we shall call ... M&M), but with a fella I called Farm, back in November. Date was great, he was alright, we had sex, & I bailed on it. I put up the front that I was interested, but in reality I told him zero about me that went beyond my sexual interests. That worked just fucking fine for me. Then came Caveman. we were set up by the friend I just broke up with. He seemed like he could be something pretty serious.
Turns out, he had feelings for her. But still thought I was amazing & tried to guilt me into having sex with him while he was ridiculously drunk. Having been raped four separate times, I was pretty terrified. The ex-friend had left me alone with him & I didn't know what to do. She told me later that if she had known I was scared she would have gotten me out. Okay, I'm fucked up 86 ways from Sunday. The amount of tequila I drank alone, which she knows makes me stupid as hell, would have sunk me. But that plus the other party favors I sampled had me foggy as LA. I was stuck in this man's bedroom with him for about five hours while he came in and out of consciousness & I was certain I was going to be attacked at any moment. However, thankfully, that didn't exactly happen. I was able to push him off when he did get a little handsy. sort of. but that doesn't count & i'm not counting it. so shut up.

 

i'm a weak person. when a man wants something from me that I don't want to give, I don't do fight or flight. I do freeze. I become literally immobile. I have learned by now that I can just stay still & it will be over soon. that's a horrible awful way to deal, I know. and it's caused me to be so disgustingly timid when in bed with someone consensually. I literally want to do things, my head is full of ideas, but i'm too afraid to go after I want. because I never get to do that. the fella gets what the fella wants & I get left alone.

 

now, between these two, came M&M.

 

he was like a breath of fresh air. he was funny, real, down-to-earth. and most importantly, he was my age. we began texting pretty constant. conversation flowed easily. in between these two men, he was there. after both of them were gone, he was there. being awesome and charming and sweet. it wasn't really hard to like him. it was insanely easy, actually. the easiest thing I have done in my life.

however, he lives 2 hours from me. when both of us work our asses off just to make ends meet, it doesn't leave much left over for visits/dates/whatever. for two months we've talked, joked, flirted, & discussed meeting.

 

last night, shit got real. last night, he offered to drive here after work (at midnight). making his arrival 2 am. what a first date, eh?

his idea threw me for a huge loop. I had no idea how to even begin to comprehend this. wait, he wanted to come all the way here in the middle of the night? with no guarantee of sex? okay, obviously, he wants something. probably sex.

good thing I was in the absolute worst mood ever & desperately needed to see him for the first time. his arrival time ended up being more like 3 am. the witching hour. I could barely breathe as I stood outside on the stairs. my legs were going pretty numb. I was so scared that he was gonna take one look at me and change his mind. but as soon as he got out and his arms were around me.. I felt something I haven't in a very long time. I felt positive.

 

we had an amazing night & day. he was respectful, funny, sweet, caring, giving, sexy, patient, & just insanely understanding. I couldn't stop assuming he was gonna slit my throat at any moment. People, men, they are not nice to me like this. It doesn't happen. It never ever happens. So obviously he's just playing me. That's my theory.

yeah, well, even if that's the case, today was definitely the best so far this year. the details are mine to keep & cherish. but as he left me today, I felt such disappointment. I wasn't done spending time with him. I wasn't done kissing him. I wasn't done letting him make me feel so alive & desired & likeable. But I let him go. And letting him come back is a decision I haven't made yet.

I like him. Oh god, I like him & it's so terribly dangerous. Because liking someone means opening up. And I want to open up to him. I've already shown some of my silly, weird, crazy pieces to him. And he was totally amazing about them. But that isn't a guarantee that he'll stay that way. I am scary & intense & broken. What use could he possibly get from me? and the distance... i'm such a physical person. I crave touch and intimacy. could I actually handle a distanced situation without completely deteriorating?

but instead of worrying myself sick about it, I think i'll put the topic to the side. we are not together. there has been no question or discussion. and if it stays at visits like today, well maybe that'll be enough for me. but now isn't the time to figure that out. now is the time to get the sleep I have literally been craving all day.

so, now it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, i'm lonely, & I have a lot of things to sort through.

and I now have a crazy exfriend to hide from until she *hopefully* moves next month. fun times, fun times. if you're reading this and you have any advice, i'm desperate.

toodles.