32.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that you will be able to go all eternal sunshine in your brain. there are so many things and people that I would really like to forget all about. and there are things I wouldn't touch. it would probably be surprising to most people what i'd keep and what i'd wipe away.

day 27!

okay, technically, it's day 28 right now. but i'll be getting to today later today ha hah ahahahahahaha.

alright, i'm just a tad INSANE RIGHT NOW. JUST A TAD.

the pure RAGE inside of me is threatening to boil over.

we will get to that eventually. but first, I shall share with you WHY i'm updating yesterday today and then today later today.

they cancelled school Tuesday night because of possible impending weather. but the fun didn't start until after my boys & I woke up. I also had my nephew, plus tobin's follow-up hearing appointment. yeah, we didn't make it. I woke up at 6 am, looked outside, saw the ice coating my windshield, briefly considered the fun of driving in that and taking three rowdy boys to the doctor, and decided against. went back to bed and woke up at 8 to call and cancel the appointment. waited all day for them to call me back with a new appointment scheduled and they didn't. i'm assuming it's because they are assholes lol. i'm gonna call again in the morning I reckon.

so, after we awoke and got moving and cleaning and cooking, I saw the snow. it was falling fast and hard and fat. big ol' snowflakes that make you wanna squeal and dance around. and we totally did. had some running around to do, and the boys behaved amazingly, so I let each of them rent their own redbox movie, which they LOVED. and I rented the new Carrie, which I actually really liked.

seriously, I am trying SO hard to stop typing random words in all caps. and to calm down and let the stress go. but this day has literally had me by the balls.

we had stress, we had yelling, we had acting out. but at the end of the day, we had a good day. a fun day, eventually.

okay, so, RAGE. near the end of this day, which was full of me being stressed beyond my limits, I received a text from M&M. I tried to help as best I could, but it went in a completely different direction in about 14 seconds. I figured that was done for the talking for the night. yeah, apparently not. I sent him a text about the delicious two-layer cake I made, because of all the stress, and he responded with a 4 page sexy sexy text. it was nice, even though it was riddled with misspellings. drunk texting isn't clear texting. so all I responded with was the 
:Oface. this was then followed by another 4 page-ish text about coming over at 7 am in the morning to see me & fuck me sideways.

i'm not gonna lie. my lady parts were totally in agreement with that.

but anyone who has read this blog at all knows that the limbo stage that he and I have been in since he came to visit has been driving me insane. it's ridiculous that we are in some kind of weirdo in-the-middle stage. nothing has been declared, no feelings have been said. so when he offered me a visit for cuddling & fucking sideways, I was kind of angry.

okay, I was a LOT angry. because I would have loved to feel important and special and needed and wanted and all those things that girls and guys want to feel.

but I didn't feel that. I felt disappointed and confused and completely used. so that's what I told him. i'd screenshot it, but it's really not worth it. I don't give two fucks.

basically he chewed me out. like 6 pages worth. there were a lot of responses I was expecting, but that was not one. so I threw the shit right back at him. still waiting for him to wake up and respond. at this point though, i'm not sure it even matters. he pretty much set whatever feels I had for him on fire and then pissed on them. and I really hate the smell of pee.

so, toodles for now. the sun will be arriving soon and i'm anxious for it. now here's some photos!

 

nephew connor receiving his valentine from aunt toni today

 

tobin & his chocolate

 

calvin & his chocolate

 

the beautiful flowers my boys picked out for me for love day <3

 

the three musketeers ready for the snow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutesy snow photos, yay! ok really I looked like shit but shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah I just like my feet. shut up.

 

 

 

slumber parties, yeeeeeeeeeeah.

 

 

 

 

 

that cake has so many feels baked in it.

 

 

 

 

 

the before yummmz

 

the bubble bath & wine I was hoping would help me feel better. didn't work.

 

 

I totally sent this to jailbait on snapchat. loser.

 

the awesome slipper boots my boys got me for love day also! they spoiled me rotten today! :))

day 23

today was kind of miserable. i pushed myself way too hard yesterday, because I felt so great, and i totally paid for it this morning(afternoon) when i woke up. my whole body was tensed up in a cramp. and the only munchkin here, mr. calvin, was with me when it happened. he was incredible. he poured me orange juice, brought me medicine.. he was just amazing. more amazing than I expected. I hated that he had to do it, but at the same time it's good. who knows, maybe having a sickly mommy addicted to grey's anatomy will get him interested in being a doctor? a girl can dream, right?

 

in other news, I've been feeling absolutely dreary. obviously physically, but i'm talking mental/emotional. j and i have been having some real talk conversations that have literally been making me sick to my stomach. lucky has been checking in on me since thursday to make sure i'm doing okay, which is freaking me out. and i'm about two inches from bailing on M&M. kind of really having a twisty time at the moment.

 

then there's the Kramer thing. I told you guys i wasn't going to do anything, but my sweet sweet friend that hosted the party talked me into chilling out and just freaking adding him, so I did. 'cause im weak and pathetic. :p but really because she has a point. what could it hurt? and I clearly know boys are incapable of making adult decisions 99% of the time lolz. but then i just made it worse. I gave him my freaking number. so instead of being able to walk away not knowing, im now most likely going to get to experience even more pain and confusion from another stupid guy. I could say it could be okay, but then that's setting myself up for possible failure. hopes low.

 

i just want to stop hoping. that's all I want. i want to be able to mean it when i say I can't anymore.

 

because you know what?

 

it's 11 pm on a Saturday night. j is out with loaf & some friends because tonight is loaf's birthday. but apparently they have lost him somewhere in town. not that it matters, whatever. calvin is asleep. tobin is still with his dad.

 

i'm awake. listening to pandora. typing this.

 

lucky isn't here.

m&m isn't here.

 

 

no one is here. but me. and that's the reality. that's what I should be understanding and focusing on. I can be a romantic. I can want an amazing love. but the reality is that it isn't happening. and probably never will. because as much as i want to be, i am not anything to anyone. all the feelings and energy and expectations that i put into these guys and it's all for nothing. kramer is the only one im not even halfway excited about, so thats a plus. but it probably means we'll never actually have another conversation, just communicate on facebook.

 

but they could be. if any of them actually gave two shits about me, if I meant even the tiniest bit to them, they would be. when someone you care about is sick, you help them. my friends have been there for me all weekend. since Thursday, taking care of me in any way. so these men who seem to have all the feelings for me.. where are they?

 

oh, lucky is at home. as always. watching tv. doing nothing of importance.

oh, m&m ended up having a night off, so he bought tons of beer and hosted an impromptu party. and he has been snapchatting and texting me all night and I have not responded to a single one.

 

because if I do, I will explode. and it's not even his fault, but I would. I would be so goddamned mean it would just ruin everything.

 

because it's my fault that no one is here, see. I am clearly not enough. I am clearly the problem here. if I was better, then there's no way i'd be alone again. while recovering from a sickness. crying myself to sleep for the fourth night in a row. wishing that one goddamned person on this fucking planet gave a single fuck about me.

 

and yet....

so it's me. and me, I can fix. I can be prettier, smarter, stronger, better. I could go straight up stepford. I can be whatever anyone needs me to be. I have so much practice changing myself for other people.

 

and yet....

 

I will not. because I am me. I am incredible. I am strong. I am pretty. I am smart. I am funny, silly, talented, compassionate, loyal, honest, loving, sexy, and way too confident in myself to change for anybody EVER AGAIN.

 

so, if I have to be alone, to feel such crippling loneliness, to want to die from the gaping hole in my chest, to take care of MYSELF or rely on my small children when i'm sick, then that's what i'm going to fucking do.

 

because I don't need a guy to validate ME. i'm a bad ass bitch, and that is all.

 

they don't care about me? okay then. well, i'm joining this! I don't care about you either, lucky. or you, m&m. from now on, your presence can be allowed when it's convenient for ME. which is likely to be never. but instead of being direct and honest and respectful, i'll just play it like you guys do. i'll just start completely ignoring you until you're pulling your hair out wondering what you did.

 

then i'll swoop back in. then back out. i'll be like a goddamn snitch. and neither of you are harry potter, trust me. you will never catch me. but when someone else does, and I have to break the news to you, I hope you realize that it's because I wasn't enough for you. even though both of you were just fine for me, I could have accepted either one of you completely wholly, no changes needed, I wasn't enough for you. so if you won't let me go, won't let me move on, then i'll do it myself.

 

oh and you know what?!

 

Kramer just texted me. time to head off.

 

night, night internets. thanks for being a creepy viewer of my insane, stupid life.

 

<3toodles



day 11.

more hilarity lolz. this one is my total favorite. I love that they think I'm so insecure & pitiful that calling me names is gonna hurt my feelings. :))

then leave it to one of my good friends, who actually attends mtsu & is the sole reason I even liked the page, to make me feel even better about the whole thing lol. love that woman.

figured i'd share this first thing, to immortalize the sheer ignorance. :)) had another back problem last night/this morning. & because J disappeared & left everything here, including his phone, it was K's kids who heard me screaming & helped me. heading to the doc when they open in a few hours, then i'll be back with an update about whatever the hell is wrong with me.

 

toodles! :))

 

*update!*

 

One of the girls who was commenting on this last night apparently sent me a message. I blocked her name out because the only people I feel like exposing on the internet are the losers, not the cool people.

 

 

I KNEW IT. haha. proof that normal, awesome people exist, right there. :))

 

day seven.

the only thing I'm sorry about right now is that murder, assault, & arson are all illegal & that I do not live in the Purge universe.

i'm not actually saying that I want to commit any of these crimes, employees of the NSA. but I am saying that I am angry. I am so terribly, horribly angry.

 

I will never understand certain people. I will never be able to grasp how exactly they are able to do awful things and still lay down & sleep at night without a problem, while I lay awake so tangled up in angst & doubt & fear that I can barely breathe.

 

I had a friend. I say had because after the events of this evening, I will be returning everything in my possession that belong to them & never speaking to them again. You see, I have been friends with this person for 2 and half years. You would call us best friends. Our children were like siblings. We loved each other, depended on each other, & cared for each other.

But now here I am. There have literally been dozens of instances of this person acting unlike a friend. Causing fights, freezing me out, sabotaging other friends I would attempt to have. They wanted me all to themselves & would stop at nothing to make that happen.

But just now, they told me such a blatant, bold lie to my face that I am done. I'll get back to you all tomorrow in greater detail, but right now all I want to do is go to bed.

 

toodles.