days 15-19

my sincere apologies, to all zero of you, for missing the past four days. i've literally looked at my computer and thought about it every single day but I have not had the strength or time to write anything. see, things have sort of cannonballed into a clusterfuck these past four days. a ginormous clusterfuck of shit haha. we shall start at the beginning.

 

 

Thursday (day 15)- the whole situation with Past's kid having lice was bugging me so bad. so, I decided Wednesday night to keep the boys home Thursday & Friday and get the house deep-cleaned, to make sure that nothing gets on us. so instead of waking up at 6 am, I woke up at about 830. the day was seemingly going to be a fantastic one. ha ha ha. yeah, right. this could get complicated, so hang in there with me.
time to introduce Barbie and Ken (who literally deserve the title. two extremely beautiful people).

Ken just so happens to be Lucky & Past's big brother. Barbie has been a friend of mine since high school. they are married, have been for 5 years. however, for the past 6 months or so, they have been having troubles. apparently it came to a head Thursday. some things happened, that are definitely not my business to share, and Barbie showed up just after I woke up. she stayed here all day and we talked and tried to weed through some of the crazy that had happened. later that night, I went to see ken, to check on him and see how he was doing. lucky was there, which made it that much worse. I've been really beginning to understand how awful and self-destructive this whole thing with him is.

(just to interrupt here, I am literally falling asleep typing this. what a super bowl sunday.)

but anyway, that was really the completion of Thursday. I hoped to wake up early on Friday & head to K's to finish doing all my laundry, because at the moment all of our bedclothes were being washed. and sleeping without a sheet and all my comfy pillows. siiigh, not cool.

 

Friday (day 16)- this day got started fairly slow. I was hoping that Barbie and Ken would be able to at least communicate today, so I could stay out of it and get my stuff done. instead, I spent the whole day texting and calling back and forth with both of them, hearing both sides of the story in real-time. which, combined with doing laundry at K's and driving around doing errands, with both boys with me, and spending three hours at Barbie and ken's house while she packed up her stuff, was pretty draining. but that night, I got an invitation from Lucky & Ken to join them for a night out. problem is, Barbie was going out with her friend and Past. at the same place as us. >.< son 1 was going to his dad's and son 2 was staying at K's, so I felt okay going out with them, just to keep things calm if necessary. we went to a local bar, which was thankfully dead. lucky was acting insanely weird all night, but I don't even feel like getting into it. we had an okay time, I drank water, and sang a little on karaoke, which lucky decided to hijack and had me laughing my ass off. past didn't come, but I did go to the other side of the bar and saw Barbie and her friends. which is when a funny little thing happened.

 

as I was leaving my house to head out, I got a text from Past. it was just her, being a bitch and an idiot and trying to upset me. I deleted it and went on about my way, but when I spoke to Barbie, I brought it up. she told me that Past had also texted her, after learning that we had hung out Thursday and Friday and that I had spoken to Barbie about what had happened between us, she told Barbie that maybe she should go apartment hunting with me instead. so I assured Barbie that she was more than welcome to tell Past that she hated me or whatever it took to get things okay again. but Barbie disagreed with me. the rest of the night was pretty tame.

 

 

 

Saturday (day 17)- my (chosen) brother B was asleep on the couch when I got home Saturday morning lolz, so when we all woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, I got about fifteen minutes with him before I had to rush to K's to get my munchkin & finish up laundry, because another night with no blankets and sheets and pillowcases was not acceptable. turns out, my brother was returning later that evening, along with several other friends, to have a little shindig. I was so excited. but first I had to work. it was to the grocery store, then here to run them all upstairs and put them away, then to K's to take her groceries in, then to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house and make a huge breakfast/lunch and take care of all 5 kids running through the house, and then clean up after eating. whew. especially with just K and I working, because her husband got off at 8 that morning and was sleeping, it was a lot. so by the time I got home, taking all 5 kids with me, to put all of our beds back together and get all the laundry put up. while also trying to clean my house, because the past two days I hadn't been home long enough to get it straightened up. i was exhausted. every part of my body hurt. I didn't want to breathe or move or socialize. and of course I didn't finish before my guests started arriving. but fortunately we had a great night regardless, playing some drinking games and getting wobbly. :))

 

 

 

 

didn't wanna put up any of the photos of my frans & I, so they don't get butthurt just in cases and i'm too lazy to edit them right now lolz.

 

sunday (day 18)- today was the day of the big superbowl party I was invited to. and I was a nervous wreck. I was only going to know the sweet lady that invited me and her husband and Barbie, who is her sister. I tend to get pretty anxious around new people. it's hard for me to read people's intentions, so it's hard for me to know if they like me or not. and when i'm not sure if people like me, it makes me anxious. I have a big problem with people not liking me, which I know is not healthy or okay, but i'm working on it.

 

now, I offered to bring food to this party. I also offered to make a cake and cupcakes for K's son, for them to take to their superbowl party. his birthday is Wednesday, so it was all a big surprise. woke up late again, so I had a house to clean of cigarettes butts and beer cans/bottles. I managed to get things mostly under control, but I also brought K and three of her four munchkins, obviously not the birthday boy, to make all the stuffs. even though we started immediately, it was already running into 2 o'clock and we were set to be leaving at 4:45. ha ha ha. I love the saying- when you make plans, God laughs. even if i'm not overly religious, it's so true for me.

I was literally running on E at this point. my body ached from all the running around and the up and down the stairs and here to there, so I was moving pretty slow. but we got everything started and baking, then I had to get my boys ready. K was going to drive me to my party, take them with her for their party, then keep them overnight. there was about a 90% chance that school would be cancelled Monday, so this way I wasn't driving after drinking and she wasn't having to come get me late at night.

so here we are. unfortunately, several days of drama drama drama had pushed me to my limits in terms of handling stress. especially since my phone was still ding ding dinging, I ended up getting into an argument with K, our first ever, but we made up while crying and rolling up pizza bites, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to be gone already. I had blue icing in my hair. I wasn't dressed or ready. my face was swollen and blotchy from crying intermittently all day long. my anxiety was even more hyped up.

 

but I went to the party. I immediately started drinking. but I also just acted like myself, which was pretty fantastic. we had fun. we played beer pong. we watched the broncos get their ass beat. I got so disgustingly drunk, but thankfully handled myself pretty well. and there just happened to be a fella there. a cute fella. we talked. we flirted. we went on smoke breaks outside in the icy rain together. and I, for the first time in my entire life, did something crazy.

 

men always, always, always pressure me. they tell me they are fine with waiting, but then they just don't stop. and yeah, I can take the blame at times. when i'm the one to say yes, it's alright. but even when I say yes, after it's over and done, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let myself get convinced. that my self control is literally zero.

I have never made the first move on a guy. I have never kissed a guy first. it took months with Loaf to even initiate sex and even more months after that to even be able to open my eyes during sex. I can't take the pressure, the intimacy... it's too much for me to be able to connect and communicate and be active in sex. it's so hard for me.

 

halfway through the night, the fella was headed to the bathroom. and he head-nodded me. can you understand how big this was for me? boys don't head-nod me. they don't make googly eyes at me. they don't flirt and ask me questions and tell me i'm beautiful. they don't make adorable jokes while we are standing in the icy rain and compare it to me being in the shower with them, saying it would be amazing. he literally surprised me. I was not in any way expecting him.

maybe it's just because I was lonely. things with M&M have kind of been in stasis. we still talk, I still like him a lot, but the distance and the whole poorness of both of us makes it so hard. so maybe that's the reason.

 

or maybe I don't need a reason. maybe I am just a woman, who for once in her life, felt desirable and sexy and wanted. and I took advantage of that.

 

he head-nodded me. so I followed him. and standing there in the hallway, with him being so cute, I leaned forward and I kissed him. then, when he was done and back out, I kissed him again. and later, outside smoking, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. oh, so much kissing. so much wonderful, sweet, nothingness kissing. and that night, we slept in the same room. on the same futon mattress in a spare bedroom. and there was more kissing. and talking. and me, telling him what I wanted. letting him be nice and giving and sweet. it was so dark. we couldn't even see each other. I kissed his eye, he kissed my nose. I kissed his chest, he kissed my forehead. and I put his hands where I wanted them. and when I was ready, I told him. and it was good. it wasn't the best, but it was so good. and you know what else?

 

I kept my eyes open. the whole time.

 

yeah, it was dark. but I did it. I really, really did. and when it was over, I was okay. I did not feel guilty. I felt a little silly. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. but I did not feel guilty. I did not feel forced. I felt just fine.

 

earlier in the night, I picked up his phone while cleaning. I told him I had it. he told me to put my number in there. I didn't. while in the room, I mentioned something about the hostess and her husband planning on setting us up. he told me he knew. that he might have looked me up beforehand. it made me feel even better. and even less guilty. because I didn't. I disregarded the notion of being set up. nor did I ask her when I arrived who the guy was. I just let it happen. I did something amazing for me. I took control of myself and I did something I wanted to do.

 

I don't need to feel bad. or slutty. or stupid. nor do I need to take any bullmess from anyone about it. J made a few cracks about it when I came home and told him. and honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings. I know he meant nothing by it, that he was just trying to be funny. but the truth of it stung me. because some people really do mean it. they really do think i'm disgusting or easy or slutty. and I don't deserve to be judged. hell, I feel like having a fucking party for it. I feel like I lost my virginity all over again. for once in my life, I took control.

 

and honestly, I would totally be straight not seeing him again. if it happens, it does, but i'm not doing anything about it. I didn't give him my number. I didn't facebook him. and i'm not going to. if he does, he does. if he doesn't, he doesn't. and i'm so okay with that. because honestly, i'm pretty sure he would be a repeat of Loaf. he told me some of his story and it was awful. he's been through a lot recently. but i'm not interested in fixing somebody. i'm interested in building a life and a family with somebody. and you know, I feel like M&M might just be worthy of that. only problem there is that we can't get our lives to mesh.

 

 it would explode me to finally get some big romantic gesture from a man. for him to show up at my door with flowers or candy or nothing at all but his smile. for him to tell me that I am it. that I am the one he wants. that if he has to move mountains and oceans to be near me, to be with me, that he will do it.

 

but i'm too old for fairy tales. too old for that kind of romance. seems like i'm one of the only ones left on the planet that believes that way. that wants a relationship the movies would be jealous of. and I guess I can deal with that. I can deal with being with a guy who loves me enough. just enough, to share a life together. but not enough for romantic gestures. not enough for movie-worthy love. and yeah, I guess that will be okay. if that's my only choice, I can be okay. eventually, yeah.

 

today was uneventful. my sweet boys partied all night too, and school ended up being officially cancelled by about 9pm, so everyone slept in. then we came home and lazed around and ate sandwiches and drank root beer and slept some more. it's been a wonderful, lazy, comfy day. and tomorrow it's back to life. back to school. back to responsibility.

 

so, tonight, after spending close to 7 hours writing this, probably forgetting tons of things, that no one would be interested in anyway, it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, all over again. and when I go to bed tonight, I go happy. peaceful. sure. and feeling so good about doing something for myself.

 

toodles, strangers. toodles.

 

 

 ooops, almost forgot to add pictures from the superbowl party! :))

 

 

 

margaritaaaaaas. my downfall, hahaha.

 

 

me and the elusive Kramer. yeah, that's his nickname. J says he doesn't need a nickname since he was a one-nighter, but I say what the hell.

 

I made one shot the whole night, but it was pretty amazing haha.

 

can you tell that a VERY DRUNK Barbie was taking these? yeah, she was.

 

 

they got a cup. >.< I tried to chug an extremely tequilay shot. hard.

 

 

the one picture we took together that turned out okay, while I was shooting. he sure is a cutie. but a forgettable one.

 

when Barbie and I played together. do you see her? DO YOU SEE HER?!?! THIS IS WHAT I STAND NEXT TO WHEN I GO OUT WITH HER. THIS IS WHY I'M SHOCKED THAT KRAMER TALKED TO ME OVER HER. yeah, yeah. every body is beautiful. and I am beautiful. but the majority of average American men would pick Barbie over me, any day. so props to that fella. big props.

 

 

Barbie & I, with no blurries. & I'm showing pictures of her without blurring, because we post pictures on facebook and instagram and you guys would see them anyway if you click any of my links. a lot of my other friends are a little camera-shy. she is definitely not. and I am not either lolz.

 

 another. can you literally tell how insanely drunk we were? yeah, we def were drunk. drunk drunk drunky mcdrunk drunk. insane.

 

 

okay, so that's all dears. it's all good.