32.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that you will be able to go all eternal sunshine in your brain. there are so many things and people that I would really like to forget all about. and there are things I wouldn't touch. it would probably be surprising to most people what i'd keep and what i'd wipe away.

ermagherd! day 31!

that's right! i'm updating on time! yeeeeah! and we passed the first month marker!

yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D

this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.

past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.

like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.

besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.

OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.

lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-

"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."

then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!

last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.

but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.

because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.

casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.

I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.

but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?

I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<

yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.

too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.

I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.

and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.

I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.

so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.

I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...

m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.

Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.

everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.

casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.

I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?

i'm totally screwed. >.<

toodles, loves.

days 15-19

my sincere apologies, to all zero of you, for missing the past four days. i've literally looked at my computer and thought about it every single day but I have not had the strength or time to write anything. see, things have sort of cannonballed into a clusterfuck these past four days. a ginormous clusterfuck of shit haha. we shall start at the beginning.

 

 

Thursday (day 15)- the whole situation with Past's kid having lice was bugging me so bad. so, I decided Wednesday night to keep the boys home Thursday & Friday and get the house deep-cleaned, to make sure that nothing gets on us. so instead of waking up at 6 am, I woke up at about 830. the day was seemingly going to be a fantastic one. ha ha ha. yeah, right. this could get complicated, so hang in there with me.
time to introduce Barbie and Ken (who literally deserve the title. two extremely beautiful people).

Ken just so happens to be Lucky & Past's big brother. Barbie has been a friend of mine since high school. they are married, have been for 5 years. however, for the past 6 months or so, they have been having troubles. apparently it came to a head Thursday. some things happened, that are definitely not my business to share, and Barbie showed up just after I woke up. she stayed here all day and we talked and tried to weed through some of the crazy that had happened. later that night, I went to see ken, to check on him and see how he was doing. lucky was there, which made it that much worse. I've been really beginning to understand how awful and self-destructive this whole thing with him is.

(just to interrupt here, I am literally falling asleep typing this. what a super bowl sunday.)

but anyway, that was really the completion of Thursday. I hoped to wake up early on Friday & head to K's to finish doing all my laundry, because at the moment all of our bedclothes were being washed. and sleeping without a sheet and all my comfy pillows. siiigh, not cool.

 

Friday (day 16)- this day got started fairly slow. I was hoping that Barbie and Ken would be able to at least communicate today, so I could stay out of it and get my stuff done. instead, I spent the whole day texting and calling back and forth with both of them, hearing both sides of the story in real-time. which, combined with doing laundry at K's and driving around doing errands, with both boys with me, and spending three hours at Barbie and ken's house while she packed up her stuff, was pretty draining. but that night, I got an invitation from Lucky & Ken to join them for a night out. problem is, Barbie was going out with her friend and Past. at the same place as us. >.< son 1 was going to his dad's and son 2 was staying at K's, so I felt okay going out with them, just to keep things calm if necessary. we went to a local bar, which was thankfully dead. lucky was acting insanely weird all night, but I don't even feel like getting into it. we had an okay time, I drank water, and sang a little on karaoke, which lucky decided to hijack and had me laughing my ass off. past didn't come, but I did go to the other side of the bar and saw Barbie and her friends. which is when a funny little thing happened.

 

as I was leaving my house to head out, I got a text from Past. it was just her, being a bitch and an idiot and trying to upset me. I deleted it and went on about my way, but when I spoke to Barbie, I brought it up. she told me that Past had also texted her, after learning that we had hung out Thursday and Friday and that I had spoken to Barbie about what had happened between us, she told Barbie that maybe she should go apartment hunting with me instead. so I assured Barbie that she was more than welcome to tell Past that she hated me or whatever it took to get things okay again. but Barbie disagreed with me. the rest of the night was pretty tame.

 

 

 

Saturday (day 17)- my (chosen) brother B was asleep on the couch when I got home Saturday morning lolz, so when we all woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, I got about fifteen minutes with him before I had to rush to K's to get my munchkin & finish up laundry, because another night with no blankets and sheets and pillowcases was not acceptable. turns out, my brother was returning later that evening, along with several other friends, to have a little shindig. I was so excited. but first I had to work. it was to the grocery store, then here to run them all upstairs and put them away, then to K's to take her groceries in, then to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house and make a huge breakfast/lunch and take care of all 5 kids running through the house, and then clean up after eating. whew. especially with just K and I working, because her husband got off at 8 that morning and was sleeping, it was a lot. so by the time I got home, taking all 5 kids with me, to put all of our beds back together and get all the laundry put up. while also trying to clean my house, because the past two days I hadn't been home long enough to get it straightened up. i was exhausted. every part of my body hurt. I didn't want to breathe or move or socialize. and of course I didn't finish before my guests started arriving. but fortunately we had a great night regardless, playing some drinking games and getting wobbly. :))

 

 

 

 

didn't wanna put up any of the photos of my frans & I, so they don't get butthurt just in cases and i'm too lazy to edit them right now lolz.

 

sunday (day 18)- today was the day of the big superbowl party I was invited to. and I was a nervous wreck. I was only going to know the sweet lady that invited me and her husband and Barbie, who is her sister. I tend to get pretty anxious around new people. it's hard for me to read people's intentions, so it's hard for me to know if they like me or not. and when i'm not sure if people like me, it makes me anxious. I have a big problem with people not liking me, which I know is not healthy or okay, but i'm working on it.

 

now, I offered to bring food to this party. I also offered to make a cake and cupcakes for K's son, for them to take to their superbowl party. his birthday is Wednesday, so it was all a big surprise. woke up late again, so I had a house to clean of cigarettes butts and beer cans/bottles. I managed to get things mostly under control, but I also brought K and three of her four munchkins, obviously not the birthday boy, to make all the stuffs. even though we started immediately, it was already running into 2 o'clock and we were set to be leaving at 4:45. ha ha ha. I love the saying- when you make plans, God laughs. even if i'm not overly religious, it's so true for me.

I was literally running on E at this point. my body ached from all the running around and the up and down the stairs and here to there, so I was moving pretty slow. but we got everything started and baking, then I had to get my boys ready. K was going to drive me to my party, take them with her for their party, then keep them overnight. there was about a 90% chance that school would be cancelled Monday, so this way I wasn't driving after drinking and she wasn't having to come get me late at night.

so here we are. unfortunately, several days of drama drama drama had pushed me to my limits in terms of handling stress. especially since my phone was still ding ding dinging, I ended up getting into an argument with K, our first ever, but we made up while crying and rolling up pizza bites, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to be gone already. I had blue icing in my hair. I wasn't dressed or ready. my face was swollen and blotchy from crying intermittently all day long. my anxiety was even more hyped up.

 

but I went to the party. I immediately started drinking. but I also just acted like myself, which was pretty fantastic. we had fun. we played beer pong. we watched the broncos get their ass beat. I got so disgustingly drunk, but thankfully handled myself pretty well. and there just happened to be a fella there. a cute fella. we talked. we flirted. we went on smoke breaks outside in the icy rain together. and I, for the first time in my entire life, did something crazy.

 

men always, always, always pressure me. they tell me they are fine with waiting, but then they just don't stop. and yeah, I can take the blame at times. when i'm the one to say yes, it's alright. but even when I say yes, after it's over and done, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let myself get convinced. that my self control is literally zero.

I have never made the first move on a guy. I have never kissed a guy first. it took months with Loaf to even initiate sex and even more months after that to even be able to open my eyes during sex. I can't take the pressure, the intimacy... it's too much for me to be able to connect and communicate and be active in sex. it's so hard for me.

 

halfway through the night, the fella was headed to the bathroom. and he head-nodded me. can you understand how big this was for me? boys don't head-nod me. they don't make googly eyes at me. they don't flirt and ask me questions and tell me i'm beautiful. they don't make adorable jokes while we are standing in the icy rain and compare it to me being in the shower with them, saying it would be amazing. he literally surprised me. I was not in any way expecting him.

maybe it's just because I was lonely. things with M&M have kind of been in stasis. we still talk, I still like him a lot, but the distance and the whole poorness of both of us makes it so hard. so maybe that's the reason.

 

or maybe I don't need a reason. maybe I am just a woman, who for once in her life, felt desirable and sexy and wanted. and I took advantage of that.

 

he head-nodded me. so I followed him. and standing there in the hallway, with him being so cute, I leaned forward and I kissed him. then, when he was done and back out, I kissed him again. and later, outside smoking, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. oh, so much kissing. so much wonderful, sweet, nothingness kissing. and that night, we slept in the same room. on the same futon mattress in a spare bedroom. and there was more kissing. and talking. and me, telling him what I wanted. letting him be nice and giving and sweet. it was so dark. we couldn't even see each other. I kissed his eye, he kissed my nose. I kissed his chest, he kissed my forehead. and I put his hands where I wanted them. and when I was ready, I told him. and it was good. it wasn't the best, but it was so good. and you know what else?

 

I kept my eyes open. the whole time.

 

yeah, it was dark. but I did it. I really, really did. and when it was over, I was okay. I did not feel guilty. I felt a little silly. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. but I did not feel guilty. I did not feel forced. I felt just fine.

 

earlier in the night, I picked up his phone while cleaning. I told him I had it. he told me to put my number in there. I didn't. while in the room, I mentioned something about the hostess and her husband planning on setting us up. he told me he knew. that he might have looked me up beforehand. it made me feel even better. and even less guilty. because I didn't. I disregarded the notion of being set up. nor did I ask her when I arrived who the guy was. I just let it happen. I did something amazing for me. I took control of myself and I did something I wanted to do.

 

I don't need to feel bad. or slutty. or stupid. nor do I need to take any bullmess from anyone about it. J made a few cracks about it when I came home and told him. and honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings. I know he meant nothing by it, that he was just trying to be funny. but the truth of it stung me. because some people really do mean it. they really do think i'm disgusting or easy or slutty. and I don't deserve to be judged. hell, I feel like having a fucking party for it. I feel like I lost my virginity all over again. for once in my life, I took control.

 

and honestly, I would totally be straight not seeing him again. if it happens, it does, but i'm not doing anything about it. I didn't give him my number. I didn't facebook him. and i'm not going to. if he does, he does. if he doesn't, he doesn't. and i'm so okay with that. because honestly, i'm pretty sure he would be a repeat of Loaf. he told me some of his story and it was awful. he's been through a lot recently. but i'm not interested in fixing somebody. i'm interested in building a life and a family with somebody. and you know, I feel like M&M might just be worthy of that. only problem there is that we can't get our lives to mesh.

 

 it would explode me to finally get some big romantic gesture from a man. for him to show up at my door with flowers or candy or nothing at all but his smile. for him to tell me that I am it. that I am the one he wants. that if he has to move mountains and oceans to be near me, to be with me, that he will do it.

 

but i'm too old for fairy tales. too old for that kind of romance. seems like i'm one of the only ones left on the planet that believes that way. that wants a relationship the movies would be jealous of. and I guess I can deal with that. I can deal with being with a guy who loves me enough. just enough, to share a life together. but not enough for romantic gestures. not enough for movie-worthy love. and yeah, I guess that will be okay. if that's my only choice, I can be okay. eventually, yeah.

 

today was uneventful. my sweet boys partied all night too, and school ended up being officially cancelled by about 9pm, so everyone slept in. then we came home and lazed around and ate sandwiches and drank root beer and slept some more. it's been a wonderful, lazy, comfy day. and tomorrow it's back to life. back to school. back to responsibility.

 

so, tonight, after spending close to 7 hours writing this, probably forgetting tons of things, that no one would be interested in anyway, it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, all over again. and when I go to bed tonight, I go happy. peaceful. sure. and feeling so good about doing something for myself.

 

toodles, strangers. toodles.

 

 

 ooops, almost forgot to add pictures from the superbowl party! :))

 

 

 

margaritaaaaaas. my downfall, hahaha.

 

 

me and the elusive Kramer. yeah, that's his nickname. J says he doesn't need a nickname since he was a one-nighter, but I say what the hell.

 

I made one shot the whole night, but it was pretty amazing haha.

 

can you tell that a VERY DRUNK Barbie was taking these? yeah, she was.

 

 

they got a cup. >.< I tried to chug an extremely tequilay shot. hard.

 

 

the one picture we took together that turned out okay, while I was shooting. he sure is a cutie. but a forgettable one.

 

when Barbie and I played together. do you see her? DO YOU SEE HER?!?! THIS IS WHAT I STAND NEXT TO WHEN I GO OUT WITH HER. THIS IS WHY I'M SHOCKED THAT KRAMER TALKED TO ME OVER HER. yeah, yeah. every body is beautiful. and I am beautiful. but the majority of average American men would pick Barbie over me, any day. so props to that fella. big props.

 

 

Barbie & I, with no blurries. & I'm showing pictures of her without blurring, because we post pictures on facebook and instagram and you guys would see them anyway if you click any of my links. a lot of my other friends are a little camera-shy. she is definitely not. and I am not either lolz.

 

 another. can you literally tell how insanely drunk we were? yeah, we def were drunk. drunk drunk drunky mcdrunk drunk. insane.

 

 

okay, so that's all dears. it's all good.