got behind again. love that. no big update right now, but later this evening it's definitely on my to-do list. I've got some stuff I want to talk about. not exactly recent happenings, though we'll get into that too.
so until then, toodles. <3
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
35. image/video heavy.
today was fairly uneventful also. I so love it when my life is calm and easy.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
33 & 34, my dears.
it's going down, i'm yelling timmmmmmmber.
I wish I had tons of juicy drama to share, but alas, sometimes even my life is quiet.
yesterday K & I went thrift shopping. I ended up finding some fantastic stuffs. I got pictures i'll show you in a bit.
no more drama from casino. blessed, peaceful silence. I gotta say, i'm pretty happy about that.
and I've spent the last three days basically attached at the hip with lucky. it's been an interesting, fun situation. just us being friends spending time together. which we haven't been able to do for a really long time. there's been so much drama and pain and heartbreak and confusion between the two of us that we haven't been able to spend time alone comfortably in a while. it's been really nice, having my evenings with him. and last night he finally relented and let me take game of thrones home. and promised me that the moment I bring it back, we will go buy season 2 and watch it together. which makes me pretty happy. as does sitting next to him and bullshitting. I really missed my friend, i'm telling you.
so now i'm busy watching game of thrones and putting in even more job applications. I swear, living in a rural town has never been easy, but the past four years or so have literally exhausted me.
oh, let me make a note here. S & her husband have requested different nicknames on here, as has J. so they shall be the Squiggles family (which is their name in my phone, lolz) Mrs. Squiggles, Mr. Squiggles, E Squiggles, G Squiggles, & S Squiggles. And J has requested that his nickname now be Nightwalker lolz. Because he spends most of his time creeping around the house scaring the shit out of me. I think we'll go with Night for short.
and for the record, my name in her phone is Captain Awesome & in his it's Captain Slapaho. this is my family. be jealous. :))
I wish I had tons of juicy drama to share, but alas, sometimes even my life is quiet.
yesterday K & I went thrift shopping. I ended up finding some fantastic stuffs. I got pictures i'll show you in a bit.
no more drama from casino. blessed, peaceful silence. I gotta say, i'm pretty happy about that.
and I've spent the last three days basically attached at the hip with lucky. it's been an interesting, fun situation. just us being friends spending time together. which we haven't been able to do for a really long time. there's been so much drama and pain and heartbreak and confusion between the two of us that we haven't been able to spend time alone comfortably in a while. it's been really nice, having my evenings with him. and last night he finally relented and let me take game of thrones home. and promised me that the moment I bring it back, we will go buy season 2 and watch it together. which makes me pretty happy. as does sitting next to him and bullshitting. I really missed my friend, i'm telling you.
so now i'm busy watching game of thrones and putting in even more job applications. I swear, living in a rural town has never been easy, but the past four years or so have literally exhausted me.
oh, let me make a note here. S & her husband have requested different nicknames on here, as has J. so they shall be the Squiggles family (which is their name in my phone, lolz) Mrs. Squiggles, Mr. Squiggles, E Squiggles, G Squiggles, & S Squiggles. And J has requested that his nickname now be Nightwalker lolz. Because he spends most of his time creeping around the house scaring the shit out of me. I think we'll go with Night for short.
and for the record, my name in her phone is Captain Awesome & in his it's Captain Slapaho. this is my family. be jealous. :))
this little lady is G Squiggles. the middle baby. she hates me. like, seriously. though here lately, she has been slowly warming up to me. every time it happens, i make Mrs take a photo as proof. :))
harry potter decals! woo! awesome find!
this incredibly gorgeous gown that I got for $5. it was my size and in absolutely perfect condition. AND IT FREAKING FIT ME WTF. so now I have nowhere to wear it lol. guess I should have agreed to casino's request, huh? ahahhahahahhahaha.
got me a new copy of my favorite book. :))
more harry potter decals.
game of thrones! wooop!
alrighty, back to business. I've got amazingness to watch!
toodles!
Monday, February 17, 2014
32.
I am anxiously awaiting the day that you will be able to go all eternal sunshine in your brain. there are so many things and people that I would really like to forget all about. and there are things I wouldn't touch. it would probably be surprising to most people what i'd keep and what i'd wipe away.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
out of things to do.
i am updating again today, because I am right now counting down the minutes to something and this seems a lot more productive and healthy than staring at the clock and crying.
no, I don't want to talk about it yet. maybe later tonight or tomorrow, but not right now. right now, we'll talk about Husband. we haven't covered that really yet. so why the fuck not now?
after learning I was pregnant at 17, I didn't feel the things I thought I would. I stood in my best friend's house, holding that test, about to go to a party, and I already knew. and when it confirmed a tiny baby in my belly, I was kind of okay with that. I didn't really feel scared or panicked. because, despite everything, I was going to be a mother. I was already in the beginning of my senior year of high school. my dad was definitely going to have a heart attack, but when I told my mother, who had very recently rejoined the ranks of parenthood, she was totally fine. she asked me if I was sure and I told her I was. she sent me to get a blood test, which only confirmed it that much more. like 3 pee tests weren't enough, jesus.
I met husband that semester. I didn't pay him much attention in the beginning. it was my senior year and I was a pretty popular kid. people know me in this town. I literally started changing my hair so much to attempt to disguise myself but it never helps. I can't hide here. someone always recognizes me. he sat behind me in just one of my classes, but it happened to be the one I was the most outspoken and myself in. one of my favorite teachers taught it, so I had free rein to be silly and crazy. one day, I asked to use his hoodie as a pillow. he was quiet and young and sweet. I swear to you the bad part of me must have latched on at that point. we started writing notes and talking and talking on the phone. total adorable school romance.
the first time I met his mom, I hated her. and I continued to hate her every fucking second until we broke up for good. it was for good reason, I promise. because she didn't like me much either. she thought it was bad that I was pregnant, that I was older. all of those were valid reasons, but I was a young girl. and not just yet a parent. I didn't understand or comprehend what she was feeling, seeing her very young son trying to take on so much responsibility so soon. but he was a dream. so sweet, so innocent, so in love with me. and I loved him too. at this point tobin's dad was definitely not in the picture and we were both fine with that. this was our kid. I know, we sound total white trash silly, but whatever.
tobin was born and he turned 15. I turned 18. seriously, this really happened. god I feel like such a huge perv writing about this, but whatever. we were good for another year. but now I was out of school. and he wasn't. and I had an infant child. it put a lot of stress on us. and everyone around us. I am also not ashamed to admit that parenting took me awhile to get the hang of. I leaned on him, a lot. definitely a lot more than I should.
we broke up just before valentine's day. I had a dream about it happening the night before. every detail was the same. it was the exact same. that's one of two times that's happened to me.
that's when I lost my mind and my self-control and went bananas. the whole time we were split up, we still saw each other and talked on and off. by august, we were discussing getting back together. but he didn't want to tell his parents. by now he was 16 and I was 19. god, gross. then I found out I was pregnant. time to get serious. we had slept together near the time of my Nashville rape & the baby was conceived around then, so we had a 50% chance of the baby being his.
I thank god every day that it wasn't. that's correct. I would rather my child be the product of a rapist than my ex-husband. and it's not that he was bad. it's that after all the pain and agony I put him through, he definitely did not deserve that too. but he loved calvin just the same. and my son, my poor sweet baby, has lost every single father figure he has ever had. and it's my fault. I will never be able to make that up to him, ever. and the ways things are looking, I will never be finding one to stick around either. he has lots of males in his life, but he has never connected with them the same as he did with Loaf. he was just a baby with Husband, but there was a deep connection there too. and he lost both of those.
but anyway. we got back together, our families got the fuck over it, and sweet calvin was born. four months later, I had a job and my dad found me a place and sort of shoved me out and into it, so there was that. he was never meant to live with me, because he was just 17 by this time, but he was already homeschooling and almost done, so he just did anyway.
and for a while, we were kind of happy. we were both working and taking care of babies and it worked. but at the time, my mental health was probably the worst its ever been. I was constantly depressed, constantly suicidal.. it was a bad time. it didn't help that my boyfriend was a 17 year old boy, so he was lazy and messy and addicted to his xbox. >.< we got into a lot of arguments. we said awful things and did awful things. he was the first person I ever experienced domestic violence with. that house was riddled with holes and dents when I moved out, alone and divorced.
right after he turned 18, I turned 21. I had been going out with friends a lot for a while and being legally able to drink made it worse. i'd leave him home with the kids and go out and get wasted in Nashville. sucks for him, right? yeah, totally admitting i'm a piece of shit.
when I figured out a way we could get married and soon, I told him. he agreed. later, during one of our last fights, he told me the only reason he had said yes was because he didn't want to start a fight.
where did the love go? I wondered. that you would agree to marry me to keep a fight from starting.
the wedding was short and at the court house and it was so hot that day I couldn't breathe and I looked awful and was not surrounded by the people I wanted to be. but oh well. now i'm married. woo..
it didn't take long to break apart. the violence got worse, he started chatting up old girlfriends and talking to them for hours and lying to me about it, then he followed me outside one night and ended up slitting my wrist. at the time, I was incredibly messed up in the head, so upset and angry and hopeless that I had gone outside with a razor to try to calm down before I hurt myself. when he followed me, he grabbed my wrist and yelled at me and told me if I wanted to die, he would just let me. and he drew the blade across my left wrist. that's where my scar there came from.
less than two weeks later, we were having an argument. he was at work till midnight, so I talked to him the whole time, trying to fix things. I baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies from scratch, got the kids to bed, and waited. he promised me that when he came home we would have a serious talk.
instead, he packed up his things and told me he was leaving. and not coming back. that as soon as he could he'd have the divorce done. he never even said goodbye to the boys. he just walked away.
I found things out later. that one of his exgirlfriends and his best friend both had told him to leave me. she had promised him they would get together if he did. they never did. his best friend repeatedly cheated on his wife (she left him a while later) so he told him if he didn't want to do that too, then he should just leave. that he had cheated on me with his best GUY friend in our home. that after he left, he continued doing things with him for a while.
in the months that followed, i got worse. now i was alone, depressed, suicidal, and broke. after several months of being unable to find a job and the house I was living in slowly slipping away from me, my illness won. I stopped fighting. I stopped trying. I stopped living. and not for the first time.
I wrote letters to my friends and family. I stockpiled pills. I recorded a video and set up instructions. and I sent the boys to the my dad's house. it was my last night in the house we had shared together. I was 22. I had not seen or heard from anyone in days. divorce is a sickness. people are afraid to get too close and catch it. and many of my friends were married then. they are not now..
I reached for the first bottle. just after getting the cap off, my phone chirped. and again. and again.
it was Loaf. and that's where this story ends and that one begins.
husband moved on pretty quick, though we did have a small tryst once afterwards. he's engaged now. he seems happy. I've tried my best to help him and apologize to him and attempt to make up for the things that happened, but it's best when I just leave him alone. so that's what I do.
the boys are in bed and the time is nearly here. i'm going to go downstairs for a bit until it's time. then I will be ready. and hopefully, i'll feel better afterwards. and also have a helluva story to let you all in on when it's over.
toodles. <3
no, I don't want to talk about it yet. maybe later tonight or tomorrow, but not right now. right now, we'll talk about Husband. we haven't covered that really yet. so why the fuck not now?
after learning I was pregnant at 17, I didn't feel the things I thought I would. I stood in my best friend's house, holding that test, about to go to a party, and I already knew. and when it confirmed a tiny baby in my belly, I was kind of okay with that. I didn't really feel scared or panicked. because, despite everything, I was going to be a mother. I was already in the beginning of my senior year of high school. my dad was definitely going to have a heart attack, but when I told my mother, who had very recently rejoined the ranks of parenthood, she was totally fine. she asked me if I was sure and I told her I was. she sent me to get a blood test, which only confirmed it that much more. like 3 pee tests weren't enough, jesus.
I met husband that semester. I didn't pay him much attention in the beginning. it was my senior year and I was a pretty popular kid. people know me in this town. I literally started changing my hair so much to attempt to disguise myself but it never helps. I can't hide here. someone always recognizes me. he sat behind me in just one of my classes, but it happened to be the one I was the most outspoken and myself in. one of my favorite teachers taught it, so I had free rein to be silly and crazy. one day, I asked to use his hoodie as a pillow. he was quiet and young and sweet. I swear to you the bad part of me must have latched on at that point. we started writing notes and talking and talking on the phone. total adorable school romance.
the first time I met his mom, I hated her. and I continued to hate her every fucking second until we broke up for good. it was for good reason, I promise. because she didn't like me much either. she thought it was bad that I was pregnant, that I was older. all of those were valid reasons, but I was a young girl. and not just yet a parent. I didn't understand or comprehend what she was feeling, seeing her very young son trying to take on so much responsibility so soon. but he was a dream. so sweet, so innocent, so in love with me. and I loved him too. at this point tobin's dad was definitely not in the picture and we were both fine with that. this was our kid. I know, we sound total white trash silly, but whatever.
tobin was born and he turned 15. I turned 18. seriously, this really happened. god I feel like such a huge perv writing about this, but whatever. we were good for another year. but now I was out of school. and he wasn't. and I had an infant child. it put a lot of stress on us. and everyone around us. I am also not ashamed to admit that parenting took me awhile to get the hang of. I leaned on him, a lot. definitely a lot more than I should.
we broke up just before valentine's day. I had a dream about it happening the night before. every detail was the same. it was the exact same. that's one of two times that's happened to me.
that's when I lost my mind and my self-control and went bananas. the whole time we were split up, we still saw each other and talked on and off. by august, we were discussing getting back together. but he didn't want to tell his parents. by now he was 16 and I was 19. god, gross. then I found out I was pregnant. time to get serious. we had slept together near the time of my Nashville rape & the baby was conceived around then, so we had a 50% chance of the baby being his.
I thank god every day that it wasn't. that's correct. I would rather my child be the product of a rapist than my ex-husband. and it's not that he was bad. it's that after all the pain and agony I put him through, he definitely did not deserve that too. but he loved calvin just the same. and my son, my poor sweet baby, has lost every single father figure he has ever had. and it's my fault. I will never be able to make that up to him, ever. and the ways things are looking, I will never be finding one to stick around either. he has lots of males in his life, but he has never connected with them the same as he did with Loaf. he was just a baby with Husband, but there was a deep connection there too. and he lost both of those.
but anyway. we got back together, our families got the fuck over it, and sweet calvin was born. four months later, I had a job and my dad found me a place and sort of shoved me out and into it, so there was that. he was never meant to live with me, because he was just 17 by this time, but he was already homeschooling and almost done, so he just did anyway.
and for a while, we were kind of happy. we were both working and taking care of babies and it worked. but at the time, my mental health was probably the worst its ever been. I was constantly depressed, constantly suicidal.. it was a bad time. it didn't help that my boyfriend was a 17 year old boy, so he was lazy and messy and addicted to his xbox. >.< we got into a lot of arguments. we said awful things and did awful things. he was the first person I ever experienced domestic violence with. that house was riddled with holes and dents when I moved out, alone and divorced.
right after he turned 18, I turned 21. I had been going out with friends a lot for a while and being legally able to drink made it worse. i'd leave him home with the kids and go out and get wasted in Nashville. sucks for him, right? yeah, totally admitting i'm a piece of shit.
when I figured out a way we could get married and soon, I told him. he agreed. later, during one of our last fights, he told me the only reason he had said yes was because he didn't want to start a fight.
where did the love go? I wondered. that you would agree to marry me to keep a fight from starting.
the wedding was short and at the court house and it was so hot that day I couldn't breathe and I looked awful and was not surrounded by the people I wanted to be. but oh well. now i'm married. woo..
it didn't take long to break apart. the violence got worse, he started chatting up old girlfriends and talking to them for hours and lying to me about it, then he followed me outside one night and ended up slitting my wrist. at the time, I was incredibly messed up in the head, so upset and angry and hopeless that I had gone outside with a razor to try to calm down before I hurt myself. when he followed me, he grabbed my wrist and yelled at me and told me if I wanted to die, he would just let me. and he drew the blade across my left wrist. that's where my scar there came from.
less than two weeks later, we were having an argument. he was at work till midnight, so I talked to him the whole time, trying to fix things. I baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies from scratch, got the kids to bed, and waited. he promised me that when he came home we would have a serious talk.
instead, he packed up his things and told me he was leaving. and not coming back. that as soon as he could he'd have the divorce done. he never even said goodbye to the boys. he just walked away.
I found things out later. that one of his exgirlfriends and his best friend both had told him to leave me. she had promised him they would get together if he did. they never did. his best friend repeatedly cheated on his wife (she left him a while later) so he told him if he didn't want to do that too, then he should just leave. that he had cheated on me with his best GUY friend in our home. that after he left, he continued doing things with him for a while.
in the months that followed, i got worse. now i was alone, depressed, suicidal, and broke. after several months of being unable to find a job and the house I was living in slowly slipping away from me, my illness won. I stopped fighting. I stopped trying. I stopped living. and not for the first time.
I wrote letters to my friends and family. I stockpiled pills. I recorded a video and set up instructions. and I sent the boys to the my dad's house. it was my last night in the house we had shared together. I was 22. I had not seen or heard from anyone in days. divorce is a sickness. people are afraid to get too close and catch it. and many of my friends were married then. they are not now..
I reached for the first bottle. just after getting the cap off, my phone chirped. and again. and again.
it was Loaf. and that's where this story ends and that one begins.
husband moved on pretty quick, though we did have a small tryst once afterwards. he's engaged now. he seems happy. I've tried my best to help him and apologize to him and attempt to make up for the things that happened, but it's best when I just leave him alone. so that's what I do.
the boys are in bed and the time is nearly here. i'm going to go downstairs for a bit until it's time. then I will be ready. and hopefully, i'll feel better afterwards. and also have a helluva story to let you all in on when it's over.
toodles. <3
ermagherd! day 31!
that's right! i'm updating on time! yeeeeah! and we passed the first month marker!
yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D
this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.
past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.
like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.
besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.
OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.
lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-
"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."
then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!
last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.
but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.
because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.
casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.
I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.
but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?
I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<
yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.
too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.
I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.
and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.
I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.
so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.
I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...
m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.
Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.
everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.
casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.
I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?
i'm totally screwed. >.<
toodles, loves.
yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D
this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.
past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.
like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.
besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.
OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.
lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-
"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."
then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!
last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.
but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.
because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.
casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.
I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.
but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?
I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<
yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.
too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.
I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.
and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.
I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.
so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.
I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...
m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.
Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.
everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.
casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.
I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?
i'm totally screwed. >.<
toodles, loves.
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