36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.

day 27!

okay, technically, it's day 28 right now. but i'll be getting to today later today ha hah ahahahahahaha.

alright, i'm just a tad INSANE RIGHT NOW. JUST A TAD.

the pure RAGE inside of me is threatening to boil over.

we will get to that eventually. but first, I shall share with you WHY i'm updating yesterday today and then today later today.

they cancelled school Tuesday night because of possible impending weather. but the fun didn't start until after my boys & I woke up. I also had my nephew, plus tobin's follow-up hearing appointment. yeah, we didn't make it. I woke up at 6 am, looked outside, saw the ice coating my windshield, briefly considered the fun of driving in that and taking three rowdy boys to the doctor, and decided against. went back to bed and woke up at 8 to call and cancel the appointment. waited all day for them to call me back with a new appointment scheduled and they didn't. i'm assuming it's because they are assholes lol. i'm gonna call again in the morning I reckon.

so, after we awoke and got moving and cleaning and cooking, I saw the snow. it was falling fast and hard and fat. big ol' snowflakes that make you wanna squeal and dance around. and we totally did. had some running around to do, and the boys behaved amazingly, so I let each of them rent their own redbox movie, which they LOVED. and I rented the new Carrie, which I actually really liked.

seriously, I am trying SO hard to stop typing random words in all caps. and to calm down and let the stress go. but this day has literally had me by the balls.

we had stress, we had yelling, we had acting out. but at the end of the day, we had a good day. a fun day, eventually.

okay, so, RAGE. near the end of this day, which was full of me being stressed beyond my limits, I received a text from M&M. I tried to help as best I could, but it went in a completely different direction in about 14 seconds. I figured that was done for the talking for the night. yeah, apparently not. I sent him a text about the delicious two-layer cake I made, because of all the stress, and he responded with a 4 page sexy sexy text. it was nice, even though it was riddled with misspellings. drunk texting isn't clear texting. so all I responded with was the 
:Oface. this was then followed by another 4 page-ish text about coming over at 7 am in the morning to see me & fuck me sideways.

i'm not gonna lie. my lady parts were totally in agreement with that.

but anyone who has read this blog at all knows that the limbo stage that he and I have been in since he came to visit has been driving me insane. it's ridiculous that we are in some kind of weirdo in-the-middle stage. nothing has been declared, no feelings have been said. so when he offered me a visit for cuddling & fucking sideways, I was kind of angry.

okay, I was a LOT angry. because I would have loved to feel important and special and needed and wanted and all those things that girls and guys want to feel.

but I didn't feel that. I felt disappointed and confused and completely used. so that's what I told him. i'd screenshot it, but it's really not worth it. I don't give two fucks.

basically he chewed me out. like 6 pages worth. there were a lot of responses I was expecting, but that was not one. so I threw the shit right back at him. still waiting for him to wake up and respond. at this point though, i'm not sure it even matters. he pretty much set whatever feels I had for him on fire and then pissed on them. and I really hate the smell of pee.

so, toodles for now. the sun will be arriving soon and i'm anxious for it. now here's some photos!

 

nephew connor receiving his valentine from aunt toni today

 

tobin & his chocolate

 

calvin & his chocolate

 

the beautiful flowers my boys picked out for me for love day <3

 

the three musketeers ready for the snow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutesy snow photos, yay! ok really I looked like shit but shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah I just like my feet. shut up.

 

 

 

slumber parties, yeeeeeeeeeeah.

 

 

 

 

 

that cake has so many feels baked in it.

 

 

 

 

 

the before yummmz

 

the bubble bath & wine I was hoping would help me feel better. didn't work.

 

 

I totally sent this to jailbait on snapchat. loser.

 

the awesome slipper boots my boys got me for love day also! they spoiled me rotten today! :))

days 25 & 26.

not much to report, my frans. still been fighting the sickness. it has literally destroyed my body and my hope ha ha. today is finally a day where I feel just fine. not 100%, but just enough to get dressed and put on a bit of makeup. I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRA ON FOR GOD'S SAKE.

 

and i may have also made my return therapy appointment today. I know. i'm totally equal parts excited and terrified. i said before that i would one day get into the reason I had to quit going, so today seems as good as any.

 

there was a girl. I had grown up with her, but because she was a few years older than me, we lost touch. when therapy was going great, a women's trauma group was planned. the very first day there I met her again. we instantly started catching up and getting to know each other again. I also made connections with several other ladies in the group. I felt like this was going to be great.

 

we got close pretty quickly. both of us suffer from similar problems. and if you know me, you know that I am a caretaker. it is my job in life to take care of others. well, at least that's how I see it. so I did my best. I tried to help her. work with her. teach her. try to help her cope with her problems.

 

yeeeah, I'd like to say I did a slammin' job. i'd like to say I helped her. but in reality, she wore me down. she exhausted me. it wasn't even that she had issues, because I have issues. but it's that it was the exact same issues every single time. no matter what I told her or how I tried to help her, it never changed. she was always upset about the same things. I couldn't take it any more.

 

so I tried so hard to say it right. to word it so that she would not misunderstand me.

 

but she has the same problems as me. including not being able to clearly discern someone's intentions. here was our last, facebook, conversation. we texted as well, but it was all the same shit.

 

day seven.

the only thing I'm sorry about right now is that murder, assault, & arson are all illegal & that I do not live in the Purge universe.

i'm not actually saying that I want to commit any of these crimes, employees of the NSA. but I am saying that I am angry. I am so terribly, horribly angry.

 

I will never understand certain people. I will never be able to grasp how exactly they are able to do awful things and still lay down & sleep at night without a problem, while I lay awake so tangled up in angst & doubt & fear that I can barely breathe.

 

I had a friend. I say had because after the events of this evening, I will be returning everything in my possession that belong to them & never speaking to them again. You see, I have been friends with this person for 2 and half years. You would call us best friends. Our children were like siblings. We loved each other, depended on each other, & cared for each other.

But now here I am. There have literally been dozens of instances of this person acting unlike a friend. Causing fights, freezing me out, sabotaging other friends I would attempt to have. They wanted me all to themselves & would stop at nothing to make that happen.

But just now, they told me such a blatant, bold lie to my face that I am done. I'll get back to you all tomorrow in greater detail, but right now all I want to do is go to bed.

 

toodles.