night ten. haha. see what i did there?

here I am. I made it through, basically unscathed. i also agreed to babysit tonight, so my house is now full of sweet sleeping kids.



they are tuckered out. I don't think I've ever known her kids to be asleep before late at night. Calvin is the only kid still awake & totally immersed in James & the Giant Peach.

 

 

 

so, since the house is quiet & peaceful, I decided to update about the rest of the day.

as previously stated, I was graciously rescued today. the mother of those sweet sleeping babies came over as soon as I gained full consciousness and went into full overdrive. she kept telling me to sit my ass down, brought me medicine, basically took over all the baking for me, & also did all the dishes for me when it was done because she knows that having a messy house makes me stressed & unable to relax. while she was here today, her daughter asked me if magic was real. so I said-

"yes, it is. but it's not the fancy magic you see on TV and movies. real magic is when your whole day is booked with plans & responsibilities. but then you wake up & you can't move. you're in the worst pain of your life & you text two of your friends, who are counting on you for help. and instead of getting upset or ignoring you, they jump into action. they show up at your house ready to help and physically force you to rest and get better. they make you smile & show you exactly how much you mean to them, by sacrificing their own time to help you get things done. that's what real magic is. that kind of love."

by the time I was done talking, my friend (we will call her K. I hate saying my friend lolz) was crying. I asked her if she was crying at the blog post I was making her read. She laughed and told me that it was what I had said that made her cry. not gonna lie, I totally got choked up saying it.

and it was 100% true. S, the mother of my godson, who needed cupcakes & drinks from me today, came upstairs to bring me eggs & told me to relax & get done what I could, but not to overdo it. K should have been at home getting ready for her birthday date night with her husband, but instead she stayed until right before they were going to leave, just to make sure that I was alright enough to handle it alone. that is what real magic is. people who love you so much and want to see you better just as much. and last night, when I was feeling so hopeless and pathetic and ready to just chop my head off to stop the thoughts, J came in here just to tell me that I did the right thing with the ex & to stop worrying so much about M&M and do what makes me happy, because that's all he wants, is for me to be happy. I poured my drink out after that and went to bed with a smile on my face. because while I did have stupid people in my life who didn't give two shits about me, I also have people like that. people who love me unconditionally. fantastic stuff. :))

 

so the cupcakes turned out fantastic. and we even decided to use the extra batter to make the birthday boy his own little cake, which I then decorated. my hands were shaking all day, so it's def not my best work, but I was happy with it.

 

 

 

they were so delicious and moist, yummmz.

so, while the ex was not coming to the party today, her girls were. the same girls she decided to stupidly and selfishly bring into our business. I waited until she had already dropped them off and left before making my entrance. I literally wasn't in the house for two minutes, before the oldest asked me about it. she said, "toni, I did not like that note you left! you don't need to do that again!"

so, being a mature adult, I ran and hid in the corner until I could fully stop the tears threatening to come rushing out. didn't want to ruin the birthday by being the crazy lady sobbing in the corner. so, I then just avoided her and the little sister for the rest of the party. we ended up having a pretty great time, including a cake fight. :))

 

I got out of there well before she showed back up (because S had told her she would text when she was ready for them to picked up & told me she wouldn't do it until I had left) & the rest of the night has been super chill & great. made dinner, got everyone baths & in pjs & asleep. also managed to get my kitchen cleaned back up. the pain is still at bay, but this medicine has been making me a little loopy and light-headed now that i'm finally sitting down and resting. tobin's dad (he is the brother of my godson's dad lol. meaning that my friend S is with the brother of my son's father. fun times. but luckily he is one those great dads who takes care of his kid. he also even makes time for calvin, since he doesn't have a dad around. pretty great guy, just never gonna work with us. we were together for 3 weeks, he told me he loved me, & I dumped him. see, me fucked up. he's always kept feelings for me, mainly because we have a child together, but that's somewhere I just can't go. we don't work. he makes me so angry sometimes because he is so stupid lolz. I mean, jeez, he had a kid with me. stupid hahah.) told me at the party that once I sat down and got calm that the meds would hit me hard. he was incredibly right. about 30 minutes ago I was tripping like a klutz. thankfully its eased up enough that I can finally type properly. don't get me wrong, I like that feeling as much as anyone, but it gets a little irritating when you cant even hold a conversation.

I've also been in an insanely great mood & I've been texting & facebooking good juju to everyone lol. except two fellas. I would black their names out, but I really don't care enough to do that, so check this hilarity out.

 

 

 

like, I can't even believe this person exists. I can see that there's another comment, more of his tomfoolery, but I just don't care enough to even read it lol. doesn't even deserve an answer.

 

soo, now i'm just sitting here. typing this. feeling amazing. I seriously have no issues at the moment. M&M is still talking to me, so that's a plus. a pretty good one. makes me feel just the tiniest bit less like a dirty, dirty hoe lol. okay, i'm not a dirty hoe. just a grown woman who wanted something & took it. which actually makes me feel worse, lol. not really used to being able to do that and not feel bad afterwards. but you know, I really don't feel bad. whatever happens it was fun as hell and definitely worth it. :))

okay, I couldn't help it. I had to check his comment. and I am so glad I did because it's fucking HILARIOUS.

 

i'm starting to think that he's the one who posted this confession & that I have hurt his feelings hahahaha. and now I literally cannot publish this until I see if he responds again. because this is just too hilarious to stop now.

okay, he hasn't answered, but i'm totally sharing this whole mess. because if you find me, you need to find this and read the comments. I have ruined this man's life.

 

The dramm-ahhh unfolds here.. Beware..

 

okay, I have literally had enough fun. I gotta stop now. goodnight, goodnight, to anyone lurking out there being super creepy and weird. you're super creepy and weird to spy and not say anything. just so you know.

 

tooooooooooooooooooodles!

 

 

day ten. holy bananas.

i'd love to say that I woke up this morning, feeling totally enlightened & stress-free & fantastic, but definitely not the case.

 

sometime in the wee hours of the morning, i woke up screaming. my back was locked up in a tight cramp. i laid there for three hours, screaming, crying, trying not to move but failing miserably. By the time I realized I was in trouble it was 8:45. I was already supposed to be up way before that to start on my godson's cupcakes & get my house cleaned up. I texted two of my friends (one of them my downstairs neighbor & the godson's mother), letting them know that I couldn't move, please please help. I set my phone down and tried to turn over & pain ripped through me.

Next thing I knew, it was after 11 & my phone was ringing.

 

this is the 5th time this has happened in the past week. i'm thinking it's time to look into some options here. I've had back problems since I had my first son, but this shit is bull. I don't care if I have to have surgery, I want this shit done.

right now, I have finally managed to get up. my legs feel like noodles, all wobbly and useless. my back is still tight, but now I have medicine in me and im drinking coffee & the cupcakes are in the oven, thanks to help of my true friends. the ones who don't make me feel like shit. the ones who don't try to destroy everyone/thing in my life.

 

but I still feel the fear & pain & terror from last night/this morning. when I was screaming over and over and no one came. kind of a stark realization of my life. even J didn't hear me, because he was sleeping. it made me really miss having someone in bed next to me, to wake up & hold me & rub my back & talk to me softly, carefully, quietly, wipe my tears away, & keep me calm until the pain goes away. Loaf (the most recent exBOYFRIEND) used to do that whenever i'd have nightmares (which was a pretty often occurrence. maybe he was poisoning my dreams lolz). I don't think I've had any since we split, but i'd never know anyway. he'd always wake me up & tell me I had been whimpering or screaming or crying. no memory on my end.

 

but, this is single life. I picked this. not that there have been tons of options, but I could take the slut route lolz. I could have a different man in my bed every night.

I could have taken the 19 year old (Jailbait) who really liked texting dirty to me. I could have taken B-Squad, who was nice & never tried to text dirty, but just didn't seem like someone I could be with. He seemed a little too much like a friend. There's not a shortage of dudes, unfortunately, but none of them seem to be worth the trouble it takes to create something with them.

 

or maybe I just don't want to. every time I've decided to share my life with someone, it's always blown up and i'm left there, holding all the responsibility, all the pieces of our lives. because i'm not a quitter. I never quit. I will literally exhaust myself to make things work. and finding someone who feels the same way.... yeah, doubt that's likely.

 

wow, such a emotastic life I lead.

i'm gonna try to write some more later. maybe find something on the internets if no more drama rama occurs.

as long as the EXfriend doesn't show her face to me today, then all should be just fine. just fine.

 

toodles.

days eight and nine. woo..

things have not been 100% awesome around the homestead the past two days. so, in order to get a clearer, more structured rundown, i'm going to split this up.

 

situation 1- breaking up is hard to do. be it a spouse, friend, or even a colleague, it doesn't get any easier. there are still things to exchange, hurtful words to be spoken, & rejection to face. normally, i get the pleasure of being the rejected. I am a never-give-upper. I will literally fight for whatever we have even as you are verbally, mentally, & physically abusing me. because if I don't have someone to take care of then i'm a failure.

hahahahaha. doesn't that sound ludicrous? doesn't that sound insane? unhealthy? unbalanced? codependent? yeah, all of those would describe that situation & myself. well, before two days ago.

see, two days ago, a woman I loved very deeply looked into my eyes. this woman had been my closest confidante for the past two and a half years. her children were my children. although, my children never seemed to be hers.. she never seemed to care too much about me, my business, unless it included someone new she could push out.

 

yes, i said it. I had a sort of single white female sitch going on, except she didn't want my identity. she just wanted me. all the time, on call for her, never full with plans to do anything else. I bought clothes for her daughters to keep at my house. I fed them, bathed them, taught them, disciplined them, tucked them in, played with them, & loved them to the moon and back.

 

yeah, except there were penalties. if i was not able to drop my life for her at once, there would be "fights". hurtful words, accusations, hiding from one another. then, right when i'm starting to seriously consider hooking as a side job, in she would swoop with money, cigarettes, food, whatever i needed, except for an apology for her totally selfish & psychotic behavior.

 

and I allowed this to go on for two and a half years. I never spoke my mind to her, never asked to be treated better. never asked why it always seemed to be my fault when we fought, ignoring the startling similarities to the relationship I recently ended with a man who was never and will never be good enough for me. so what's the difference here? oh, she's my "friend". friends don't break up. they fight & get over it. except, here I am, spending all of my time, money, energy, sacrificing any new friends/boyfriends in my life (she literally did all she could to isolate them or make them uncomfortable enough to bail).

 

I was miserable. I couldn't take it anymore. but I had this need for something solid. something beyond a shadow of a doubt that would prove to me that I wasn't imagining it. even relaying all the details to my actual, true friends, I would beg them- 'tell me this isn't what it looks like'.  .. but it always was.

 

then, she looked me in the eyes. she told me a lie. it was slightly disconcerting, since I already knew the truth of the story (unbeknownst to her). and the fact that it literally took away any and all blame possibly placed on her was the icing on the cake. here is this woman. she could tell me the truth. she could be my homie, my pal, be truthful with me. instead, she looks me in the eyes & tells me literally the dumbest lie I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. I left shortly after, deciding that it was time to end this. I graciously packed her things & her daughters' things. I took them to her house today while she was at work (which unfortunately is within walking distance of my own, fuck), along with a note.

here is your stuff. I feel like I have to be done
with this. please respect that & let me have some
space. -t

since dropping it off, I've been a nervous wreck. I knew when it came in, that it would hurt. she doesn't hit to surprise, she hits to kill. and it came in, alright, loud & clear-

she told the girls. I figured she would. I figured she would immediately take it to the girls, to try to guilt me into coming back or talking to her. and if I was stupid & weak, then I would fall for it. but instead it just made me feel even shittier, but so much stronger than I already did. but, there's gonna be plenty of people that come in and out of my life. kids included. and if I have to get over saying goodbye to people, then starting with those two little girls, who I really genuinely love, is something that has to be done. because I can't continue to interact with someone who has so little regard for me that she would do this, just to stay a part of the girls' life. just to keep them safe. I have to believe someone else will be there for them because I no longer can.. she knows all my issues. she knew this would hurt me. she knew it would fuck me up. hell, she even knew it would make me want to cut and try to come back to her.
 it's a petty move I expected, but still, it only served to validate my decision.

however, despite that, I am still sitting here. I am still employing tactics to keep from slicing myself open.

step 1- super hot shower. oh wait, no. SCALDING hot shower. stand in this until you grind your teeth to bite back the pain, till your skin is bright red, till tiny blisters pop up on your hands & legs. stay until the water runs ice cold. stay until your previous scars pop out like secret messages.

it's been so long since I hurt. I really, really don't want to. which is why it's on to..

step 2- alcohol. nicotine. whatever drug you choose, get it. get it in multiple quantities. unfortunately, i'm stuck with 2 of my 3 favorites tonight.

that cup is literally half full of vodka and half full of mountain dew. it's a disgusting concoction that I came up with after Loaf & I broke up. I drank it for three weeks straight. I was drunk allll the time. obviously, after school hours, but pretty much as soon as my kids were home it was sip sip time. this was before J moved in. I don't think i'd be able to get away with that with him here.

 

step 3- emo playlist. it's a thing. a thing that must be done. you literally go through your entire music collection. you find the saddest, most tear you down songs. then you throw them all together & listen to it on repeat.

this is the one currently making my ears bleed, lolz. but thankfully, the urge to cut has gone away. I've take a single sip out of my huge beverage, & I haven't had a single cigarette. because the most important step is..

step 4- get it out. write, talk, sing, scream, cry, punch, kick, stomp, clap, bang.

do whatever the fuck you have to do to get this feeling the fuck OUT of you. because the longer it stays in, the longer it festers, & the more damage it's going to do to you. so I cried. and I wrote this. and the only thing i'm feeling right now is regret that it's after 9 on a Friday, my kids aren't home, J is leaving, & i'll probably just pass out as soon as I finish this. so, onto the next!

situation 2- ah, feels. so fantastic. >.<
but seriously. everyone loves that feeling when you meet someone new. you get the butterflies, the giggling, the hope. when you look at them, you see endless possibility. welp, there's a fella like that for me right now. it's not often in my life that a guy makes it far enough that i'm actually considering telling him all the deepest & darkest. i'm fucked up when it comes to men & sex & relationships.

I had my first ever blind date (not with my current fella, who we shall call ... M&M), but with a fella I called Farm, back in November. Date was great, he was alright, we had sex, & I bailed on it. I put up the front that I was interested, but in reality I told him zero about me that went beyond my sexual interests. That worked just fucking fine for me. Then came Caveman. we were set up by the friend I just broke up with. He seemed like he could be something pretty serious.
Turns out, he had feelings for her. But still thought I was amazing & tried to guilt me into having sex with him while he was ridiculously drunk. Having been raped four separate times, I was pretty terrified. The ex-friend had left me alone with him & I didn't know what to do. She told me later that if she had known I was scared she would have gotten me out. Okay, I'm fucked up 86 ways from Sunday. The amount of tequila I drank alone, which she knows makes me stupid as hell, would have sunk me. But that plus the other party favors I sampled had me foggy as LA. I was stuck in this man's bedroom with him for about five hours while he came in and out of consciousness & I was certain I was going to be attacked at any moment. However, thankfully, that didn't exactly happen. I was able to push him off when he did get a little handsy. sort of. but that doesn't count & i'm not counting it. so shut up.

 

i'm a weak person. when a man wants something from me that I don't want to give, I don't do fight or flight. I do freeze. I become literally immobile. I have learned by now that I can just stay still & it will be over soon. that's a horrible awful way to deal, I know. and it's caused me to be so disgustingly timid when in bed with someone consensually. I literally want to do things, my head is full of ideas, but i'm too afraid to go after I want. because I never get to do that. the fella gets what the fella wants & I get left alone.

 

now, between these two, came M&M.

 

he was like a breath of fresh air. he was funny, real, down-to-earth. and most importantly, he was my age. we began texting pretty constant. conversation flowed easily. in between these two men, he was there. after both of them were gone, he was there. being awesome and charming and sweet. it wasn't really hard to like him. it was insanely easy, actually. the easiest thing I have done in my life.

however, he lives 2 hours from me. when both of us work our asses off just to make ends meet, it doesn't leave much left over for visits/dates/whatever. for two months we've talked, joked, flirted, & discussed meeting.

 

last night, shit got real. last night, he offered to drive here after work (at midnight). making his arrival 2 am. what a first date, eh?

his idea threw me for a huge loop. I had no idea how to even begin to comprehend this. wait, he wanted to come all the way here in the middle of the night? with no guarantee of sex? okay, obviously, he wants something. probably sex.

good thing I was in the absolute worst mood ever & desperately needed to see him for the first time. his arrival time ended up being more like 3 am. the witching hour. I could barely breathe as I stood outside on the stairs. my legs were going pretty numb. I was so scared that he was gonna take one look at me and change his mind. but as soon as he got out and his arms were around me.. I felt something I haven't in a very long time. I felt positive.

 

we had an amazing night & day. he was respectful, funny, sweet, caring, giving, sexy, patient, & just insanely understanding. I couldn't stop assuming he was gonna slit my throat at any moment. People, men, they are not nice to me like this. It doesn't happen. It never ever happens. So obviously he's just playing me. That's my theory.

yeah, well, even if that's the case, today was definitely the best so far this year. the details are mine to keep & cherish. but as he left me today, I felt such disappointment. I wasn't done spending time with him. I wasn't done kissing him. I wasn't done letting him make me feel so alive & desired & likeable. But I let him go. And letting him come back is a decision I haven't made yet.

I like him. Oh god, I like him & it's so terribly dangerous. Because liking someone means opening up. And I want to open up to him. I've already shown some of my silly, weird, crazy pieces to him. And he was totally amazing about them. But that isn't a guarantee that he'll stay that way. I am scary & intense & broken. What use could he possibly get from me? and the distance... i'm such a physical person. I crave touch and intimacy. could I actually handle a distanced situation without completely deteriorating?

but instead of worrying myself sick about it, I think i'll put the topic to the side. we are not together. there has been no question or discussion. and if it stays at visits like today, well maybe that'll be enough for me. but now isn't the time to figure that out. now is the time to get the sleep I have literally been craving all day.

so, now it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, i'm lonely, & I have a lot of things to sort through.

and I now have a crazy exfriend to hide from until she *hopefully* moves next month. fun times, fun times. if you're reading this and you have any advice, i'm desperate.

toodles.



day seven.

the only thing I'm sorry about right now is that murder, assault, & arson are all illegal & that I do not live in the Purge universe.

i'm not actually saying that I want to commit any of these crimes, employees of the NSA. but I am saying that I am angry. I am so terribly, horribly angry.

 

I will never understand certain people. I will never be able to grasp how exactly they are able to do awful things and still lay down & sleep at night without a problem, while I lay awake so tangled up in angst & doubt & fear that I can barely breathe.

 

I had a friend. I say had because after the events of this evening, I will be returning everything in my possession that belong to them & never speaking to them again. You see, I have been friends with this person for 2 and half years. You would call us best friends. Our children were like siblings. We loved each other, depended on each other, & cared for each other.

But now here I am. There have literally been dozens of instances of this person acting unlike a friend. Causing fights, freezing me out, sabotaging other friends I would attempt to have. They wanted me all to themselves & would stop at nothing to make that happen.

But just now, they told me such a blatant, bold lie to my face that I am done. I'll get back to you all tomorrow in greater detail, but right now all I want to do is go to bed.

 

toodles.

day six.

*I wanted to post this last night around midnight, but the stupid photos wouldn't load, lolz, so I'm squeezing this in this morning. :))*

so, while I am still disgustingly tired, I FINALLY FINISHED MY FREAKING ROOM. so I thought I'd share it, with my regular lights on & with my twinkle lights.

because of my slightly lazy apartment complex, I do not have a ceiling light. there's just a hole with wires hanging out. yeeeah. so I had to figure out a way to have light in my very dark bedroom. I think I did a bomb job hahahah.

 

 

 

headless Frodo & Betty

this is my reading nook. it's winter-themed, because that's my favorite time to sit around & read, plus it's right by my window, so I can watch the snow fall (like it is now lolz)

bed ninja!

I jam to this when I wanna feel sexy lolz

Alright, now with my twinkle lights----

So yup. That's what I accomplished last night, compared to the hellacious mess previously. Fantastic, I know. But now I have to get me a cup of coffee, queue up the Drop Dead Diva & relax.

Toodles<3



day five.

today was a holiday, and my day off, so I had my boys all day & lots of errands to run. I have literally been gone from my house since 1 pm today. 9 hours of laundry, helping my friend clean, going to the store, running groceries up the stairs (I live upstairs, which is horrible), and getting my kids home & in bed.

i'm now exhausted, but cannot sleep because I am currently going through ALL of my clothes, which is insanely exhausting. and I wouldn't even bother with it, if I hadn't started before I left. >.<

so, to keep you 0 viewers entertained, here's my work in progress RIGHT NOW.

my bed is also sheetless, because I had to wash them today. yuck. but as you can (kiiinda) see, I have my tank tops, dresses, sweatpants, & cardigan-type things all organized. woo. trust me, it looks a lot better than being piled on my bed.

 

 

my closet, missing all my clothes lolz. i'm actually taking a break from that dresser, because once I have it cleaned out, it's time to hang the clothes back up. uggggggggh.
 

the door to my room, which is where I've piled things i'm getting rid of.
 

my reading nook, which is currently covered by my sheets & 80000 hangers.

alright, well, i'm fucking exhausted. I said that already, but I do not give two fucks. I want to finish this mess & go to bed. I'm feeling super ridiculous lonely at the moment & it's also time to see my Aunt Flo (hahahahaha. yes, i just shared that i'm on my period with you. sue me. no fucks.) so I'm not feeling my best. good night, dears, if there are any of you at all. sigh.

toodles.

 

day four (&three). catch-up time.

hey hey hey.

even though I know I don't have an audience (which actually kind of makes this easier), I feel pretty smitty for not writing anything yesterday. I had planned on it, for reals, but then I accidentally slit my wrist open, so I was sort of out of commission. So I figure this may be the best time to share some stuff.

 

I has some problems. I'm trying to be funny on purpose, because talking & writing about this stuff kind of makes me want to throw up.

I had a fantastic childhood, technically speaking. I grew up with a mother, father, two older brothers, & one older sister.

From left- My 2nd oldest brother, my mother, me with my hands on both my boys, my oldest brother in the blue shirt, my grandfather(mother's side) holding my sister's son, & my sister.

 

From left- Three cousins (who I despise, coincidentally), aunt(orange shirt) & uncle (I also despise them), grandfather & grandmother (father's side), stepmom &father), other aunt & uncle (who I love, for real), & me. the kids on the steps are mine and my cousin's.

cuteness. that is all.

my sister, brother, & I last year on the day his son was born.

super cuteness.

annual family vacay to florida.

  

Life was pretty good. I got teased & beat & ignored & basically treated like crap. But that's life being the baby of the family. I was dealing with it just fine. Then, when I turned 12, my parents got divorced. It pretty much fucked me up. I kind of actually lost my mind. I don't know if my current problems started here or not, but it seems sort of likely that they may have clicked in at this point.

I started cutting when I was 13. I kept it a secret, as all of us do. No one wants to know that you're slicing yourself open to deal with all the bullshit in the world. When I turned 14, I thought things may be getting better. I was getting used to going back and forth between my parents' houses, I had tons of friends on the internets, & my freshman year, while scary, was turning out to be a pretty boss experience. Then my mom got herself a new boyfriend. Right after Christmas, some things went down. Her boyfriend was 24 & she was 42. She worked weekends in a city about 2 hours away. Normally he left with her, because his parents lived there also, and us kids pretty much had the house to ourselves. But one weekend he didn't. One weekend he stayed & struck up a conversation with me, as he had many times before. While my brother & sister slept, we stayed up, with me on the computer in my mom's room (the only one in the house) & him watching Fight Club. Some nonconsensual things happened. My brother interrupted at the absolute perfect time & saved me. When my mother returned home, after I had gone to school, she thought my brother was lying & believed her boyfriend's version of what happened. Long story short, I found myself permanently living with my dad, while my mother & childhood home were no longer a part of my life. She disappeared, my brother moved in on my dad's couch, & my sister became homeless. My oldest brother was already away at college, so he was safe from the drama. For a really long time, my sister blamed me. Until she moved in with friends to finish her senior year of high school, I never really saw her. Then, very slowly, things got better between us. That was one highlight. Unfortunately, there were no others.

My family is pretty 'see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil'. We don't talk about problems, we ignore them & move on. So when everything went down there was no mention of me seeking help or talking about. I was allowed to miss two days of school, then it was done. Because of this, my cutting intensified. It was the only way to feel better.

I went on living, obviously, & got pregnant when I was 17 & just starting my senior year of high school. My son was due four days after graduation. I had never considered having children. I didn't want them, because I didn't want to be like my mother. & judging my obvious instability, I clearly would be. She came back in my life at this point. She helped me tell my dad, took me to the doctor, did everything she hadn't been doing for the past, oh, five years or so, since the divorce. Then, after I had my son, things were pretty smooth for a good while. I had a boyfriend who was there for me, friends I loved, & a beautiful son.

Then my relationship ended. And as a 18 year old single mom, I didn't handle it well. I got a job, moved out of my dad's house in the middle of the night, & moved in with a friend I thought I'd love living with. Yeah, turns out Xanax & weed & partying was a lot more fun than being a responsible parent. My son was pretty much with my best friend & her girlfriend 24/7 while I worked & slept & partied & burned up the roads. It was the lowest point in my life. Another interesting point here- my mother abandoned me again during this time. The entire time she was away, I wrote to her & begged her to come back. The one answer I ever received, right after she left, said that I was disgusting and a liar and not her daughter. So I guess she couldn't handle seeing what she had created and the guilt that came with it. The last time I saw her that summer I asked her about what had happened when I was 14. She told me she didn't know what I was talking about.

Fast forward to getting better, having my second son, & last Halloween. I hadn't seen my mother for more than a few minutes since my oldest was 1. And each time I did, I would spend the next several hours screaming and crying in agony. By this time, Tobin was 6. She invited me to Thanksgiving. I ended up spending way too much time with her too quickly & nearly had a nervous breakdown. Since then, I keep a very cordial distance from her. She is quick to be angry with me, quick to misunderstand my actions, & quick to run from me. I feel like we can never have a normal relationship again & it hurts me so much. We have spoken a few times about what happened, not in detail, but she has apologized for the "things she did". I'm not sure what this actually encloses, but it seems to be enough for me to tolerate being around her.

Last year I started attending therapy. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, ptsd, & severe depression. I still cut. I haven't in a few months, but it's so so so hard. But I haven't gone to therapy in months. Had some drama happen I'll discuss on another day.

Right now I'm anxious to talk about the crime at my apartment last night.

 

 

blood spatter & weapon.

 

Let me start this by clearly & openly admitting that I am an idiot. I was attempting to cut a stupid plastic tie thing off of my son's toy. I know, as anyone who owns knives, that you do not EVER cut toward yourself. This is asking for problems. However, because I am an idiot, I thought I would be alright. I even looked at my wrist before I did it & thought, oh man, I hope I don't hit one of my scars & rip it open & bleed to death.

Yeah, guess what happened.

 

It looks small, but it's so deep I can see my muscle stuff in there. And the blood.... oh my god, the blood. By the time I ran from my kids' room at the end of the hall to the kitchen, my entire hand was full of blood. It was like a black puddle of water in my fucking hand. do you understand what i'm saying? MY HAND WAS HOLDING A GODDAMN PUDDLE OF FUCKING BLOOD.

So at this point, I'm having a nervous breakdown and screaming 'J J J J J J J J J J J JJ J  BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD HELP ME HELP ME BLOOOOD OW OWOWOWWOWO' at my roommate, who was innocently sitting on the couch (where he lives) watching youtube videos on the PS3. He jumped up like a ninja and got an entire towel and wrapped it around the wound (we had not yet seen the size, because of too much BLOODEVERYWHERE). I was crying & screaming & pretty much positive that I was about to finally succeed in killing myself, on fucking accident.

Obviously, I lived, yay! But that shit was terrible. Seriously, the fucking worst. It still hurts today and still hasn't closed yet. Ugh. So, after this near-death experience (which basically convinced my kids that I was gonna die), we decided to make gingerbread men because fuck you, that's why.

 

 

I was in the middle of cleaning & organizing my house when the incident occurred, so ignore that lamp there lolz.

so pale. from the blood loss & all.

perfection. :))

funny story about this. tobin was already nekkid & about to get in the tub, but we hadn't taken his "bite" photo yet, so it took me about five minutes to take this where you couldn't see his weewee.

alrighty then. i'm tired. and totally in an emo mood after writing all that bullmess, so i'm off to bed.

 

TOODLES.