afternoon puff piece. of day fourteen.

back from the doctor's. apparently my son just has two stuffed up ears. we have to wait until they drain and come back in two weeks. but hopefully this is the only problem with him. no way to know until we go back, though. ugggggggggggh. that whole way just for stuffed up ears. so much irritation. blerrrggggh. can you tell i'm irritated that we drove all that way for no reason?

 

 

but anyway, that's the only interesting news for today. except... this-

 

I have a Netflix account. I share it with my roommate J, my downstairs neighbors S & her family, & my friend K and her family. so at first S was using another friend's Netflix. so was I. then, i decided to get my own account set. S didn't want to use it, until her other friend kept "forgetting" to pay for it lolz. so when she called and asked for my info, I gave her a little bit of a hard time, but made her a profile and titled it 's is a loser'. well, she changed it and then got herself some payback, which I JUST noticed. :))

 

 

 

these are my friends, people. these are the people I love more than anyone else in the whole wide world. and this is exactly why. i'm not changing it. proud crack head here. :))

 

tood-les.



morning puff piece.

I am pleasantly surprised at myself. fourteen days in already. I was pretty sure i'd get lazy right off the bat and neglect it. but the writing makes me feel so much better. it's literally like taking a weight off my shoulders.

 

this morning, toe and I are off to Columbia for a hearing appointment. hopefully we come back with a clean bill of health, because I can't handle the possibility that there is something seriously wrong with my darling. i'd probably have a heart attack. :/ my momma jitters are already jumping all over the place, but so far I've managed to keep it fairly contained.

 

his teacher claims that there are times when she will tell everyone to stop working and he won't. and his speech teacher gave him a hearing test in her office and he didn't acknowledge hearing anything. but when you speak to him, he is more than quick to talk right back. he fully understands everything. so my 6 year old is either the greatest lip reader on the planet, or he just has his grandfather's disease (selective hearing).

 

let's wish for the latter.

 

I am seriously still loving the peace and quiet on here. it keeps me from feeling so much pressure to be funny and smart and entertaining. cause honestly, I give no fucks if anyone else ever reads this. I have been randomly sharing the link on twitter & tumblr, just in cases, but i'm keeping it the hell away from facebook. if anyone on there got their hands on it, i'd be fucked with a capital F. too much family that would stick their super long noses into my business, more than they already do. *eye roll*

 

soo, if my sister would get here to pick up my nephew, we would be off on our tiny road trip. K & her husband & two youngest munchkins are going to be riding with me. Didn't wanna go by myself. you know, in case of a spaz attack.

so that's all I got for you this morning, folk(s). enjoy some completely random pictures, then get the hell out. :D

 

my outfit the other day. thought I did a slamming job. :))

my three ridiculous boys all bundled up this morning. :))

 

 

toodles till later, invisible dahlinks!

 

 

 

 

isn't (day) thirteen unlucky? yeeah..

I woke up on time this morning, i woke up pain-free. that was positive. and found out that our town was covered with snow and ice, meaning school was cancelled. that was also positive. it meant I got to go back to sleep. but for some reason, before i did, I sent lucky a text while half-asleep. this led to him and i sending a few back and forth when I woke up a few more times. then, at 1, he said he was coming over to drink coffee. as soon as I read it, there was a knock at my door. he wasn't kidding. so we drank coffee. we watched supernatural. we talked and joked. then, a few hours later, I took him home.

 

apparently their tv and internet is out. so, I offered to let him take some movies with him. he declined. but when we got to his house, he asked me to bring him some. i declined. normally, I take him to his AA meetings during the week, but he said he wasn't going tonight. thus, I had no reason to get back out. so i came home. and i haven't left. it hasn't stopped him from texting me the entire time, though. until I finally responded and asked him if he for sure didn't want to go to his meeting. no answer now.

 

I had a plan. a way to stop all this confusing, stupid, leading on bullshit. however, it's a little impossible to carry out a plan when the other person is MIA. so maybe the best plan is no plan. maybe I should just stop. I mean, i'm not in any kind of relationship, but the continuous back and forth stupidity is way too much for me. I really just want to be done with this. I thought I could keep him even though I lost Past. but maybe it's time to say goodbye to both of them..

 

(in a side note of dashing Karma, apparently Past's house has been infested with lice. her oldest has it, which means all three of them could possibly have it soon. I feel it is no coincidence.)

 

I might be back around later, to do some more bitching, but right now I just wanna rest. feeling pretty sick to my stomach (possibly because I haven't eaten all day but still taken all my meds, oooops. I really have a problem with forgetting to eat.)

 

possibly toodles till tomorrow. <3

day twelve. blah.

quite a bit to get into today. but first, let's check out this HIGHlarious tiff I just got into with a religious nut.

 

my mom shared a status. as previously stated in this blog, my mother & I have get-along problems. we also have COMPLETELY different political and religious views. so she posts this link. it concerns the rumor about Hobby Lobby closing all their stores because the new obamacare stuff would make them cover the cost of the morning-after pill. unfortunately, it's a huge bunch of baloney. a scandal to stir up press, publicity, & pity.

 

 

 

 

Hobby Lobby does have a lawsuit going in an attempt to get a "free pass" for that part of the law.

 

and to me, my invisible friends, that's a huge load of bullshit. because INSTEAD of standing so hard to their convictions, Hobby Lobby is simply doing things the good ol' American way- suing the fuck out of anyone who pisses us off. and also, INSTEAD of actually closing stores to protest such audacity from our government, they are actually opening EVEN MORE STORES

 

so, what looks more important here? money or beliefs?

yeeeah, that's what I thought. :))

 

anyway, my mom posts this status to rile things up. so, I stated my opinion. as did my brother, right after me. and a friend of my mother, who will forever be known as jesusfreak.

 

 

 

I turned the notifications off after my last comment. I saw no need to continue playing games with her.

that woman is literally one of the dumbest people I have ever met. does she really think that telling me I have to answer to Jesus is gonna make a difference? would me telling her that she has to deal with the disappointment of no God make a difference?

 

no.
because no one fucking knows what is going on.

 

I just really can't stand stupid people unwilling to fully respect and accept that other people feel differently. I do my very best to not judge and to respect whatever other people believe. you think the flying spaghetti monster is what's up? alright then. you think a big ol' man with a white beard created the Earth & wrote a book about it and now we do what he says or we burn for eternity? alright then.

 

I have my beliefs. I don't feel like sharing them, because it's a lot more fun for you to assume. we all know where that gets you!

ass + me + you = not good. :))

 

soooo, time for some other business.

 

so far so good on the exfriend front. funny bit actually.

S told me one last thing about her, because I asked her to keep any and all future information away from me. She assured me this would be the last thing, because she did not plan on her coming back around. apparently when she came to pick up the girls from the birthday party, she asked if the knew anything about it. S said nothing, but her boyfriend and father of her children, laughed & said "yeah, she told us she was breaking up with you." her response was-

"yeah, I don't get it. I haven't even spoken to her or seen her in three weeks. so whatever ha ha ha."

 

funny thing there, folks. I left her things at her house on Friday afternoon. on Wednesday evening she unexpectedly showed up at my house. on Thursday evening she invited me to her house. all day Friday she was calling and texting me, begging for a babysitter. I politely told her no and went about my day.

 

'nother funny bit. for someone so "whatever", she now hasn't been home in two days. hmm. she either went ahead and moved to get away from me or she is hiding somewhere else. the best part about it is that I don't even care lol. I just find it funny that she is suffering so much and still wants to act like she's big and bad. which continues to just immensely prove my point.

 

oh my godddd. went to the doc today. got really no help but I did get two prescriptions that will hopefully help me function. however, right now, all the medicine is doing is making me so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. :/ so i'm trying to type this as fast as I can.

 

still talking to M&M. but I do have hesitations. now that we have met and touched and definitely been physical, the sick part of me really wants to sabotage it. every fiber of that being is screaming to end it. fighting that is so hard.

 

so because i'm totally fucked, I want to talk about someone else today. we will call him Lucky. because I constantly make fun of him for being a leprechaun (red hair, irish heritage, you got it).

 

lucky is the brother of the exfriend (you know what, fuck it, we will call her Past. because that is where she shall live). okay, so starting over-

 

Lucky. He is the brother of Past. I have known him as long as I have known her. And I have literally been in love with him since day one. He is an asshole, a drunk, a frequent visitor of jail, angry, mean..

 

Yeah, there's so much bad in him. But unfortunately, I have the habit of only seeing the good in people. And he has so much good. He is funny, caring, sweet, respectful. A total gentleman. And he always liked to flirt his ass off with me. especially when Loaf was around. we would go home together and all I would hear was- "Lucky fucking likes you, T. He definitely wants my girl. But he is never going to get her." then he would jealousy fuck me. which was actually pretty awesome.

yeah, I called it as bullshit lol. we were just flirty friends, despite my feels and constant vivid sex dreams about him. but after Loaf and I split, things changed. the flirting got more.. physical. we spent way more time together. and my feelings started exploding. couldn't hold them in anymore. so one day, out of the blue, I sent him a rose. on the card I wrote a lyric from a song that I had introduced him to. it was pretty much guaranteed that he would know it was me.

 

three days went by in slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow slow agony. I saw him in person twice and nothing was said. so I took the initiative. I sent him a text, telling him it was me. he said he knew. duh. so I told him we obviously needed to have a conversation about it. he came over the next day. it took a couple hours, plus his friend yelling at me and telling me I was just playing him because I had seen Loaf a week before (but didn't sleep with him, because I was committed to the whole Lucky situation), but finally we were alone and we had our talk. but it didn't end there. the talk continued for the next two days. here are his points-

1. I don't deserve to be liked by you.
2. I am a horrible person, who has done horrible things.
3. I am not in any stable place to have a relationship with anyone.
4. You are my sister's best friend. I don't want to fuck that up.

 

i know, right? he always tends to get so emo around me. it's hilarious. so after this, we spent a lot of time apart. I hid from him mostly, because he hurt me. and it killed me to be around him. especially because he openly admitted to me that he wanted me. that he liked me. and that maybe one day, when he got his shit together, we might could be.

 

 i don't know why i always go for the sluts, especially since i'm the exact opposite. having sex without feelings I can do, but I definitely hate it. i'd much rather give my body and orgasms to someone I have feelings for. it means more to me that way, always has.

 

soo, eventually we started talking again. still the cutesy physical flirting, still the constant talking. he always comes to me first whenever he needs anything and i am almost always happy to oblige.

 

since new years, things have changed. he stopped drinking. he also stopped talking to Past. they got into a fight and haven't made up. I doubt it will happen any time soon. I made a decision on January 1st that i will no longer be available to take care of everyone else, which led into cutting Past out. this meant that I had to stop dropping my life for whatever anyone needed, including Lucky. this has caused some strange differences in him. besides the not drinking (and this was a man who got 2 DUIS in a month, during the whole 'are we or aren't we' situation between the two of us, and drank every day and went to the bar at every opportunity), his whole attitude towards me has changed. while he still teases me, he does so in a sweet way now. the flirting is more sweet as well. any time i mention other guys he tends to get pretty upset. when i was talking to Jailbait (the dirty texter) and seriously considering hooking up with him, I mentioned it to Lucky. He told me I could definitely get me some young booty. Or, I could come to his house and watch a movie and eat pizza with him, his brother & his brother's wife.

>.<

soo, a double date you say? lolz. I honestly could not decide on my own, so i went to K's house and flipped a coin. Lucky won. When we went to the store to grab the pizza, K called. She asked if I was still sure of my decision. I told her I was staying with tails. Lucky heard this and figured out that I had flipped a coin. For the rest of the night he was upset, quiet, and distant. Since then, the texting and calling and cuteness has only increased. The night that M&M was coming over, he blew my phone up. Even though he had no idea of my plans, because I hadn't spoken to him in days. It was after 10 pm & we live in a small town, so the likelihood that it was for a ride to the store is slim to none. and because his phone was dead and the charger wasn't working, he sneak-called me from his sister-in-law's phone. I never called or texted him back. three days of texts followed. including one last night telling me he managed to find a new charger and had a phone back. then another this morning asking if I could take him to his AA meeting tonight.

 

i agreed. because just because I lost Past, doesn't mean I have to lose Lucky.

 

my feelings for him are confusing. as a very close friend of his, I love him. deeply. however, when we had our big talk and he shut me down, I literally shut it down. I closed that door. I started to really put my energy towards getting to know M&M and moving on.

 

before new years, before the drinking stopped, he came to my house drunkish one night. he watched insidious 2 with me. he held my hand through the whole movie. then he told me to move over in the bed and laid with me. in between passing out and waking up, the most he did was try to take my hand again and pet my hair. i was surprised and shocked. as I've said, i'm used to being attacked and hurt by men. it's basically a major part of my life. so to see him being so timid and respectful... while it was easy to turn down his gentle offers, the fact that he never once tried to hurt me or push me... that meant a whole lotta lot.

especially since guys pushing me to have sex even when I say I don't want to is a really big thing. like literally every single time, even with M&M. they keep touching and kissing and talking so sweet and sexy until I basically just give up, even when I really just don't want it at all. and i don't blame them for it, when it's actually consensual, but I just don't know why when i say no, they don't just respect that and stop trying. I just don't understand why no doesn't mean no. ever. :/

 *and then tonight he was just so super fucking cute and being so fucking nice and chatty and fuck me. this is bullshit*

 

so there is that. and that's lovely and all. but as this point, now all I have is a big ol' bag of confusion. fuuuu.

 

 

want some more fun news? Jailbait, the little one who loves to talk dirty to me, texted me today. the last time we spoke was a few weeks ago. I invited him over late at night to "hang out" (okay, look, I was fucking desperate at the time. really needed someone to come and make me feel beautiful. weak point) and he totally chickened out. so I told him to forget it and me until he was ready to be a man. I can't do screenshots, so i'll just relay the messages from today by typing them. and for the record, I never read the last ones he sent me this morning, so i'm going to be just as surprised by whatever they say.

 

 

Jailbait (6:03am)- Hey

 

Me (6:58am)- Hi

Jailbait (6:59am)- What's up?

 

Me (7:00am)- Just woke up.

Jailbait (7:02am)- Well get your ass on up lol

Me (7:16am)- Working on it lol. Just got out of the shower.

 

Jailbait (7:18am)- Without me?!?

 

Me (7:44am)- Hahaha. Well yes.

Jailbait (7:51am)- That's no fun/good

 

Me (7:52am)- Sure it is. Plenty of good fun, actually. :))

 

Jailbait (7:58am)- How you finger?

Jailbait (7:59am)- *figure ;) haha

 

Me (8:03am)- Omfg lmao. Cause I was alone. :))

Jailbait (8:04am)- Lameee lemme know next time

Me (8:05am)- Why would I do that, silly? :P

Jailbait (8:06am)- So I can bring the fun factory :p

Me (8:07am)- Hahaha. Right.



Jailbait (8:09am)- I know I folded last time but I didn't wanna just ditch my friend in the middle of the night he woulda got butt hurt. I gotcha next time for sure, I've been bad and need to be punished ;)

 

 

oh my dear lord. this kid is literally ridiculous. I don't think i even need to text his crazy ass back. all he wants to do is fuck me and while i had a weak moment, thankfully he is young and stupid and bailed. saved me the guilt and such. and more of me being sexually aroused to the point that I have sex just so the guy will leave me alone. :/

 

so thats my life right there. currently having some serious issues with what I feel vs. what I want vs. what I need.

 

blaaaah. seriously. if you see this. if you read this. help me. Ive talked to my friends till im literally blue in the face, but maybe an outside opinion could be helpful.

 

night nights. toodless. <3

memory lane, what a fun place to be.

my drama-rama parade with the crazies at mtsu really got me thinking about assholes. I've seen plenty of them in my life & they never seem to be subtle with their intense assholeness. it's basically like a huge sign hanging over their head.

so, let's talk about ex, bay-bee.

Loaf.

 

I've had a few boyfriends. There was the baby daddy who was my boyfriend for 3 weeks. He told me he loved me & I dumped him. I couldn't handle that someone could actually have such strong feelings for me. Two weeks later, ooops I'm pregnant. We never got back together & after a couple years of both of us taking turns being shitty parents, we finally got our shit in order. We now co-parent the hell out of our son & it works just fine.
Then came Husband(we will get into him and that story sometime. maybe not. maybe never). We were together for almost 5 years total. He was 14 & I was 17, in the beginning. He was there for the birth of both of my sons (even though neither of them were his, I got pregnant with Calvin while we were split up). We got married right after I turned 21 & he turned 18. Pretty sure it was in August. By January, he decided to move out & that was that. Divorce was final in June. Married almost a year.

 

Anyone that came before I turned 17 doesn't count. Most of them were those school-age "relationships" that actually meant nothing. & clearly, the few I've had since becoming a "legal adult" have not been the healthiest or most stable. (And I have had more than my fair share of fellas that could have turned into something more, but I ended up bailing on them.)

 

Ah, but Loaf. Now here was something different. I had known him for half my life. We had "dated" twice before, weeklong trysts that meant nothing. The majority of the time I was with Husband, I never even saw or spoke to him. After we split, however, Loaf reappeared. He was living in Nashville at the time & I was still (obviously) in my hometown. We began talking & texting every day. While I truly appreciated the attention & the closeness we were developing, I didn't trust him. I knew him too well to trust him. He was always a little bit of a slut, never able to actually commit to anyone. And here I am, in an extremely vulnerable place. I have two kids. I'm looking for something super serious.

 

After about 8 months of talking & visits, he made the choice to move back home. I was there the day he did. I spent the entire weekend with him. He took me to a family gathering two days later. That night, laying in his bed, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I laughed at him & shook my head. "No way, I said. You aren't ready for this. There's no way you can handle me." His response was, "Well, I've been handling it for two days. Shut up and be my girlfriend already."

So I did. Our relationship was pretty amazing. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, but we always worked it out. I felt for sure that we would be together for the long haul. We talked about marriage and kids and what we wanted out of life. We seemed to be in perfect sync.

 

Then, something happened. With huge pushing from him, I started attending therapy. As I got better, our relationship got worse. It quickly became clear to me that by seeing me become healthier, he was deteriorating. He wanted me to continue being the bad guy, to continue being able to place all the blame on me & my illness. & before I started getting help, that was the case. There were times that I was awful. But the blame didn't fall on me anymore. Now it fell on him. Fight after fight after fight.

 

When we had only been together a few months, we had a fight. We both said disgusting things to each other. After making up & calming down, he asked me to not say things like that anymore. I agreed. & I asked the same of him. For the next year & couple months, I stood by my word. No matter what he said or did, I never said anything to him to hurt his feelings.

But he never stopped.
Crazy, psycho bitch. Stupid lazy idiot. I can do better than you. I hate you. You are the worst person I have ever met. Why are you so fucked up? Get over yourself.

 

That's just a tiny snippet. From months upon months of bullshit. He also took it upon himself to have sex with me, against my will, one afternoon. I was crying & begging him to stop. He didn't. I didn't speak to him for three days after that. (there were several other times that he got pretty rough with me during sex, which led to me crying & curled up in ball afterwards & him spewing apologies out) But I still stayed with him.

 

When we broke up, it was the funniest thing.

At the last minute, my mom had decided to take the boys. We went back home to get ready & have a small night out. As we were getting ready to leave, he was smoking a popkin. (code word for something haha)
I suggested he put it out so we could go. Apparently, this was NOT cool with him. He made a big show out of sitting down & continuing to smoke. So I said, "alright, i'll be outside". I went out, put my key in the door, turned the lock & left it there, figuring he would understand that I was upset, but that I had left my key for him to lock the door.

By the time I got downstairs, I had a text from S. She needed a cake pan. So back up I ran. When I came in the house, he was picking out a movie to watch.

>.<

I knew where this was going, so I told him to suck it up & come on. I took S her cake pan. He came outside & said he wanted to use my phone. I laughed at him. Surely he didn't think that he could act like a spoiled brat, then expect me to just give him my phone? Yeah, at this point I was pissed. I told him the only way he was touching my phone was if he rode with me to drop the boys' stuff off & fucking talked this out with me.

That went well. We argued the whole way, with me begging him to end it & him continuing to say every possible insult he could come up with.

 

When we got back home, he told me to drop it. That he needed to stop talking about it to be able to get over it. Even knowing that I *need* to talk things about to feel better & that relationships are not about just one person. But I did it. We sat in silence, then went to bed in silence. The next morning, everything seemed better for him. But they weren't for me. However, instead of pushing things, I was going to let it go. Be the bigger person.

I was making breakfast silently when he came in. He asked me if I wanted a popkin. I told him no. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "Look, man I'd love to talk about it, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to continue making breakfast & doing the dishes. Because no matter what comes out of my mouth, you'll find a way to make all of this my fault & I can't deal with that right now."

"Well, if you think I'm giving you a fucking apology you can forget that, you stupid crazy bitch. I don't fucking owe you shit. You owe me a goddamn apology, for being such a cunt."

Then he stomped back to the living room. He literally wasn't in there for five minutes before coming stomping back. And here is where the fun started.

He picked up where he left off, berating me. I said nothing for almost two hours. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "Please stop. Please please please stoppit. I want to leave."

But I wasn't allowed to. I had to sit here & deal with this. I finally had enough. I lost it. All my self-control, patience, sanity. Everything I had learned to take handle of during my time in therapy.

I told him I was done. I told him I hated him. I told him that he the worst person I have ever met. And I stood in front of my bedroom door while saying this, so he could not leave. So he would have to listen to me this time. I threw my phone into the bathroom, because he was never getting anything else from me.

And when he put his hands on me & tried to shove me out of the way, I pushed him back.

He left a few hours later, after things had calmed down, & I had a breakup message waiting for me on facebook when I woke up the next day.

Fun times.

I felt such relief & peace when it was over. But that unfortunately didn't stop me from continuing to sleep with him on and off for the next couple months. But the last time it happened, I knew it was the last time.

He came over. I literally kept my physical distance from him all night until bed. Laying next to each other turned into sex, mostly because I was lonely & desperately needed it. Before, our sex life had been incredible.

We had sex three times. Dunno if you can count it though, because all 3 lasted less than 10 minutes (that was new) and I literally felt nothing the entire time (also new). The last time, he actually cried. He cried. While he was in me. And when he came, there was this weird high-pitched scream that came out. J heard it & thought it was me. When I told him it was Loaf, he laughed so hard he almost died. So, that's over.

Haven't spoken to him since. Don't want to speak to him. Don't need to. I don't think about him or wish for him anymore. Yayy. Closure.

 

I'm not used to relationships. I'm used to liking guys & either getting rejected or having them treat me like Loaf did. Which is why staying single is so much easier for me.

I can't do relationships. I also pick stupid guys. I always freak out when they say they have feelings for me or want to be with me. I know that I am awesome & amazing & wonderful, but it's just too hard for me to grasp that someone could actually want to be with me & mean it. No one ever has before, without completely destroying me in the process. I'd just like to know what love is like without me having to give up everything for it, including my sanity. :/

 

Sigh. So, this is over. I'm done. Night, night.

 

tooodlesss.

day 11.

more hilarity lolz. this one is my total favorite. I love that they think I'm so insecure & pitiful that calling me names is gonna hurt my feelings. :))

then leave it to one of my good friends, who actually attends mtsu & is the sole reason I even liked the page, to make me feel even better about the whole thing lol. love that woman.

figured i'd share this first thing, to immortalize the sheer ignorance. :)) had another back problem last night/this morning. & because J disappeared & left everything here, including his phone, it was K's kids who heard me screaming & helped me. heading to the doc when they open in a few hours, then i'll be back with an update about whatever the hell is wrong with me.

 

toodles! :))

 

*update!*

 

One of the girls who was commenting on this last night apparently sent me a message. I blocked her name out because the only people I feel like exposing on the internet are the losers, not the cool people.

 

 

I KNEW IT. haha. proof that normal, awesome people exist, right there. :))