day 23

today was kind of miserable. i pushed myself way too hard yesterday, because I felt so great, and i totally paid for it this morning(afternoon) when i woke up. my whole body was tensed up in a cramp. and the only munchkin here, mr. calvin, was with me when it happened. he was incredible. he poured me orange juice, brought me medicine.. he was just amazing. more amazing than I expected. I hated that he had to do it, but at the same time it's good. who knows, maybe having a sickly mommy addicted to grey's anatomy will get him interested in being a doctor? a girl can dream, right?

 

in other news, I've been feeling absolutely dreary. obviously physically, but i'm talking mental/emotional. j and i have been having some real talk conversations that have literally been making me sick to my stomach. lucky has been checking in on me since thursday to make sure i'm doing okay, which is freaking me out. and i'm about two inches from bailing on M&M. kind of really having a twisty time at the moment.

 

then there's the Kramer thing. I told you guys i wasn't going to do anything, but my sweet sweet friend that hosted the party talked me into chilling out and just freaking adding him, so I did. 'cause im weak and pathetic. :p but really because she has a point. what could it hurt? and I clearly know boys are incapable of making adult decisions 99% of the time lolz. but then i just made it worse. I gave him my freaking number. so instead of being able to walk away not knowing, im now most likely going to get to experience even more pain and confusion from another stupid guy. I could say it could be okay, but then that's setting myself up for possible failure. hopes low.

 

i just want to stop hoping. that's all I want. i want to be able to mean it when i say I can't anymore.

 

because you know what?

 

it's 11 pm on a Saturday night. j is out with loaf & some friends because tonight is loaf's birthday. but apparently they have lost him somewhere in town. not that it matters, whatever. calvin is asleep. tobin is still with his dad.

 

i'm awake. listening to pandora. typing this.

 

lucky isn't here.

m&m isn't here.

 

 

no one is here. but me. and that's the reality. that's what I should be understanding and focusing on. I can be a romantic. I can want an amazing love. but the reality is that it isn't happening. and probably never will. because as much as i want to be, i am not anything to anyone. all the feelings and energy and expectations that i put into these guys and it's all for nothing. kramer is the only one im not even halfway excited about, so thats a plus. but it probably means we'll never actually have another conversation, just communicate on facebook.

 

but they could be. if any of them actually gave two shits about me, if I meant even the tiniest bit to them, they would be. when someone you care about is sick, you help them. my friends have been there for me all weekend. since Thursday, taking care of me in any way. so these men who seem to have all the feelings for me.. where are they?

 

oh, lucky is at home. as always. watching tv. doing nothing of importance.

oh, m&m ended up having a night off, so he bought tons of beer and hosted an impromptu party. and he has been snapchatting and texting me all night and I have not responded to a single one.

 

because if I do, I will explode. and it's not even his fault, but I would. I would be so goddamned mean it would just ruin everything.

 

because it's my fault that no one is here, see. I am clearly not enough. I am clearly the problem here. if I was better, then there's no way i'd be alone again. while recovering from a sickness. crying myself to sleep for the fourth night in a row. wishing that one goddamned person on this fucking planet gave a single fuck about me.

 

and yet....

so it's me. and me, I can fix. I can be prettier, smarter, stronger, better. I could go straight up stepford. I can be whatever anyone needs me to be. I have so much practice changing myself for other people.

 

and yet....

 

I will not. because I am me. I am incredible. I am strong. I am pretty. I am smart. I am funny, silly, talented, compassionate, loyal, honest, loving, sexy, and way too confident in myself to change for anybody EVER AGAIN.

 

so, if I have to be alone, to feel such crippling loneliness, to want to die from the gaping hole in my chest, to take care of MYSELF or rely on my small children when i'm sick, then that's what i'm going to fucking do.

 

because I don't need a guy to validate ME. i'm a bad ass bitch, and that is all.

 

they don't care about me? okay then. well, i'm joining this! I don't care about you either, lucky. or you, m&m. from now on, your presence can be allowed when it's convenient for ME. which is likely to be never. but instead of being direct and honest and respectful, i'll just play it like you guys do. i'll just start completely ignoring you until you're pulling your hair out wondering what you did.

 

then i'll swoop back in. then back out. i'll be like a goddamn snitch. and neither of you are harry potter, trust me. you will never catch me. but when someone else does, and I have to break the news to you, I hope you realize that it's because I wasn't enough for you. even though both of you were just fine for me, I could have accepted either one of you completely wholly, no changes needed, I wasn't enough for you. so if you won't let me go, won't let me move on, then i'll do it myself.

 

oh and you know what?!

 

Kramer just texted me. time to head off.

 

night, night internets. thanks for being a creepy viewer of my insane, stupid life.

 

<3toodles



night 22.

tobin went with his dad right after he got home from school, so tonight was calvin & momma's night. not much to report since earlier, except that i'm feeling soooo good. I have only really taken my meds once today, and even though I still can't sing or talk loud or breathe very good after walking a whole lot, I feel pretty good.

calvin and i had a great night. he took a big bubble bath, ate dinner, and then we snuggled up in my bed to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 together. we saw it for the first time back in the summer at the drive-in, so it was totally exciting to get it to watch it again together. he got to eat cookie dough oreos. then i got to tuck him in all comfy with his gaga, his dinosaur dreamlite, and ratatouille. :))

then I took me a super hot shower, shaved/trimmed everything for no reason, got dressed in a beautiful silky nightgown, & even got my toes painted. and now i'm watching what to expect on netflix, before taking my night night medicine and passing out. because, literally, there is nothing else for me to do. so, here's some photos because that is all that is left.

 

freshly painted toes. told ya I would.

 

the bruise I JUST noticed after getting out of the shower. literally, JUST noticed it. I do not bruise easy. but I did realize that after the blood was literally pulled out of me, because the butterfly thing didn't work, it was hurting reeeally bad. ouch.

 

:))

my face is just terrible hahahahahahaha

I missed his face! he was too busy watching the movie.

 

so scary beautiful. :'))

 

the pharmacy on my desk lolz

 

"take a picture of me with GAGA!!"

 

so much randomness

 

kissy face

 

attack of the mommy on the gaga!

 

my face is just ridiculous

 

:)))

 

blurrrrrs

 

 

 

a normal one, wooooo

 

smiiiiiles

 

attack of the momma on calllllvin

 

hey hey!

 

seriously, where are the face police?

 

the lunch that was brought to me by my (chosen) sister KR. she is the bestest.

 

footsie with my pumpkin. <3

 

toodles, loves.

worst country song ever. & my life. (day22!)

*I am prefacing this update to say that while I do disagree with the particular message this song brings across, he did write it for his wife, who I am sure is totally normal-looking and not at all as crazy as the song makes it seem. let's look at her.

photo courtesy of google images & cmt.com

motherfucker. fine. just, fine. she is drop-dead, stunningly fucking gorgeous. and so is the girl in the video. so, guys will put up with any limit of crazy for that ^, but when it comes to this -->

 

well, we either get to be crazy or we get to be big. being both is a total no-no. that's asking men to deal with too much, right? (also, I am not at all saying that skinny girls have it easy. all women have to deal with stupid bullshit from men, skinny or not. it's just statistics that more physically appealing women can have many, many, MANY flaws and still have no lack of romantic relationships. but any mommas out there know that it doesn't give a damn what you look like, dating is still basically pointless lol. no actual guys ready to deal with you AND  your kids that no one else obviously wants, no matter how hot you look.) but seriously, this isn't some big serious mess i'm totally into. I just heard this fucking song so much that I decided to look up the video and it just cracks me up how all he had to do was put a sexy, skinny blonde in there and the words just fade away. even though they describe a very unstable woman. siiiigh. men. ;))*

 

days 21 & 22

the past two days have been horrendous. visited the doctor twice, ran a fever for over 12 hours, cried multiple times from the pain and heat... so basically, it seems that I may have the flu. waiting on the actual results to come in in a few days. since i've taken some meds, however, i am feeling remarkably better. although it is still difficult to walk around, hard to catch my breath, and I get really dizzy.. but i'm getting there. got the boys ready for school to the max, got their valentines for their class done (A WHOLE WEEK EARLY. WITH THE FLU. YEAH, THAT WAS ME BITCHES) and now they are having a bedtime snack before tucking in. even though I had to send them downstairs to S's house for dinner earlier, because I didn't have the strength to stand and cook, I've gained a lot of strength and movement back in the last hour or so. so that's a plus. but i also had to make my own chicken soup, which was a bunch of bullshit.

that's one thing i hate about being single. if I had a stupid boyfriend, HE would be making me chicken soup. HE would have been there earlier, when i was literally soaking my sheets in sweat for over two hours, to help keep me cool & wipe my forehead with a cool rag. HE would have helped me by feeding the boys, getting their bath, helping with homework.

 

HE sounds really great. too bad he doesn't exist. motherfucker. >.<

 

 

 

 

saddest selfie ever. they made me wear a face mask, 'cause of the whole deathly illness thing.

 

I basically slept the whole time I was at the doctor's. I slept in the first waiting room. I slept in the second waiting room. I slept in the exam room. I cracked jokes while getting repeatedly stabbed in an attempt to draw blood. I told the lab tech that I totally felt like I belong on Grey's Anatomy, which is like one of my favorite shows. I had her busting up laughing. And when she said I was being funny, I told her I might as well laugh, since I'm probably gonna die from the flu and all.

 

then, when I have been stabbed and xrayed and had blood extracted, I go to get my Tamiflu, to live and all. and I am immediately told that my insurance will not cover it without a positive test result, which won't be in for a few days. and also that because it is supposed to be taken within 48 hours of the first symptoms, & if my results aren't back by tomorrow, there's no point in even taking it, plus insurance still wouldn't cover it.

 

 

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

 

so instead I got some liquid loratab for my throat and cough, motrin, & my stepmom got me day and night mucinex and even more ibuprofen. so maybe I can just kick ass all by myself. seems like a good plan to me. :)) so now, I'm off to get back to Seattle Grace Mercy Death, put on my surgical gear, & get to cutting this flu shit out of my life.

 

toodles, dears.



day 20.

today was uninteresting. woke up kind of paralyzed this morning. sure it's not a big deal, but it's back to the doc in the morning to talk to him about my xray and a possible mri.

 

got my house fairly deep cleaned. did the grocery shopping. made a delicious dinner. got my kids in bed at a decent(ish) hour. and then took a nice long bubble bath. tomorrow is going to be busy busy busy. so here's a bunch of random pictures. haha. night and toodles, dears.

 

 

candles I lit in honor of an old friend, who is the reason for both my sons' middle names and the tattoo on my wrist. I miss him so much.

 

chicken and steak fajitas with tostitos, cheese dip, salsa, cosmo, & mtn dew in a wine glass. just because I can, bitches.

 

 

 

 

actually snapchatted this to M&M this morning. i'm really starting to miss him when we don't talk. i'm really starting to realize that I might very well be getting some serious feels for him. gah, this is scary scary business. guess i'll just have to figure out how to deal. blerrrgh.

 

<3



days 15-19

my sincere apologies, to all zero of you, for missing the past four days. i've literally looked at my computer and thought about it every single day but I have not had the strength or time to write anything. see, things have sort of cannonballed into a clusterfuck these past four days. a ginormous clusterfuck of shit haha. we shall start at the beginning.

 

 

Thursday (day 15)- the whole situation with Past's kid having lice was bugging me so bad. so, I decided Wednesday night to keep the boys home Thursday & Friday and get the house deep-cleaned, to make sure that nothing gets on us. so instead of waking up at 6 am, I woke up at about 830. the day was seemingly going to be a fantastic one. ha ha ha. yeah, right. this could get complicated, so hang in there with me.
time to introduce Barbie and Ken (who literally deserve the title. two extremely beautiful people).

Ken just so happens to be Lucky & Past's big brother. Barbie has been a friend of mine since high school. they are married, have been for 5 years. however, for the past 6 months or so, they have been having troubles. apparently it came to a head Thursday. some things happened, that are definitely not my business to share, and Barbie showed up just after I woke up. she stayed here all day and we talked and tried to weed through some of the crazy that had happened. later that night, I went to see ken, to check on him and see how he was doing. lucky was there, which made it that much worse. I've been really beginning to understand how awful and self-destructive this whole thing with him is.

(just to interrupt here, I am literally falling asleep typing this. what a super bowl sunday.)

but anyway, that was really the completion of Thursday. I hoped to wake up early on Friday & head to K's to finish doing all my laundry, because at the moment all of our bedclothes were being washed. and sleeping without a sheet and all my comfy pillows. siiigh, not cool.

 

Friday (day 16)- this day got started fairly slow. I was hoping that Barbie and Ken would be able to at least communicate today, so I could stay out of it and get my stuff done. instead, I spent the whole day texting and calling back and forth with both of them, hearing both sides of the story in real-time. which, combined with doing laundry at K's and driving around doing errands, with both boys with me, and spending three hours at Barbie and ken's house while she packed up her stuff, was pretty draining. but that night, I got an invitation from Lucky & Ken to join them for a night out. problem is, Barbie was going out with her friend and Past. at the same place as us. >.< son 1 was going to his dad's and son 2 was staying at K's, so I felt okay going out with them, just to keep things calm if necessary. we went to a local bar, which was thankfully dead. lucky was acting insanely weird all night, but I don't even feel like getting into it. we had an okay time, I drank water, and sang a little on karaoke, which lucky decided to hijack and had me laughing my ass off. past didn't come, but I did go to the other side of the bar and saw Barbie and her friends. which is when a funny little thing happened.

 

as I was leaving my house to head out, I got a text from Past. it was just her, being a bitch and an idiot and trying to upset me. I deleted it and went on about my way, but when I spoke to Barbie, I brought it up. she told me that Past had also texted her, after learning that we had hung out Thursday and Friday and that I had spoken to Barbie about what had happened between us, she told Barbie that maybe she should go apartment hunting with me instead. so I assured Barbie that she was more than welcome to tell Past that she hated me or whatever it took to get things okay again. but Barbie disagreed with me. the rest of the night was pretty tame.

 

 

 

Saturday (day 17)- my (chosen) brother B was asleep on the couch when I got home Saturday morning lolz, so when we all woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, I got about fifteen minutes with him before I had to rush to K's to get my munchkin & finish up laundry, because another night with no blankets and sheets and pillowcases was not acceptable. turns out, my brother was returning later that evening, along with several other friends, to have a little shindig. I was so excited. but first I had to work. it was to the grocery store, then here to run them all upstairs and put them away, then to K's to take her groceries in, then to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house and make a huge breakfast/lunch and take care of all 5 kids running through the house, and then clean up after eating. whew. especially with just K and I working, because her husband got off at 8 that morning and was sleeping, it was a lot. so by the time I got home, taking all 5 kids with me, to put all of our beds back together and get all the laundry put up. while also trying to clean my house, because the past two days I hadn't been home long enough to get it straightened up. i was exhausted. every part of my body hurt. I didn't want to breathe or move or socialize. and of course I didn't finish before my guests started arriving. but fortunately we had a great night regardless, playing some drinking games and getting wobbly. :))

 

 

 

 

didn't wanna put up any of the photos of my frans & I, so they don't get butthurt just in cases and i'm too lazy to edit them right now lolz.

 

sunday (day 18)- today was the day of the big superbowl party I was invited to. and I was a nervous wreck. I was only going to know the sweet lady that invited me and her husband and Barbie, who is her sister. I tend to get pretty anxious around new people. it's hard for me to read people's intentions, so it's hard for me to know if they like me or not. and when i'm not sure if people like me, it makes me anxious. I have a big problem with people not liking me, which I know is not healthy or okay, but i'm working on it.

 

now, I offered to bring food to this party. I also offered to make a cake and cupcakes for K's son, for them to take to their superbowl party. his birthday is Wednesday, so it was all a big surprise. woke up late again, so I had a house to clean of cigarettes butts and beer cans/bottles. I managed to get things mostly under control, but I also brought K and three of her four munchkins, obviously not the birthday boy, to make all the stuffs. even though we started immediately, it was already running into 2 o'clock and we were set to be leaving at 4:45. ha ha ha. I love the saying- when you make plans, God laughs. even if i'm not overly religious, it's so true for me.

I was literally running on E at this point. my body ached from all the running around and the up and down the stairs and here to there, so I was moving pretty slow. but we got everything started and baking, then I had to get my boys ready. K was going to drive me to my party, take them with her for their party, then keep them overnight. there was about a 90% chance that school would be cancelled Monday, so this way I wasn't driving after drinking and she wasn't having to come get me late at night.

so here we are. unfortunately, several days of drama drama drama had pushed me to my limits in terms of handling stress. especially since my phone was still ding ding dinging, I ended up getting into an argument with K, our first ever, but we made up while crying and rolling up pizza bites, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to be gone already. I had blue icing in my hair. I wasn't dressed or ready. my face was swollen and blotchy from crying intermittently all day long. my anxiety was even more hyped up.

 

but I went to the party. I immediately started drinking. but I also just acted like myself, which was pretty fantastic. we had fun. we played beer pong. we watched the broncos get their ass beat. I got so disgustingly drunk, but thankfully handled myself pretty well. and there just happened to be a fella there. a cute fella. we talked. we flirted. we went on smoke breaks outside in the icy rain together. and I, for the first time in my entire life, did something crazy.

 

men always, always, always pressure me. they tell me they are fine with waiting, but then they just don't stop. and yeah, I can take the blame at times. when i'm the one to say yes, it's alright. but even when I say yes, after it's over and done, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let myself get convinced. that my self control is literally zero.

I have never made the first move on a guy. I have never kissed a guy first. it took months with Loaf to even initiate sex and even more months after that to even be able to open my eyes during sex. I can't take the pressure, the intimacy... it's too much for me to be able to connect and communicate and be active in sex. it's so hard for me.

 

halfway through the night, the fella was headed to the bathroom. and he head-nodded me. can you understand how big this was for me? boys don't head-nod me. they don't make googly eyes at me. they don't flirt and ask me questions and tell me i'm beautiful. they don't make adorable jokes while we are standing in the icy rain and compare it to me being in the shower with them, saying it would be amazing. he literally surprised me. I was not in any way expecting him.

maybe it's just because I was lonely. things with M&M have kind of been in stasis. we still talk, I still like him a lot, but the distance and the whole poorness of both of us makes it so hard. so maybe that's the reason.

 

or maybe I don't need a reason. maybe I am just a woman, who for once in her life, felt desirable and sexy and wanted. and I took advantage of that.

 

he head-nodded me. so I followed him. and standing there in the hallway, with him being so cute, I leaned forward and I kissed him. then, when he was done and back out, I kissed him again. and later, outside smoking, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. oh, so much kissing. so much wonderful, sweet, nothingness kissing. and that night, we slept in the same room. on the same futon mattress in a spare bedroom. and there was more kissing. and talking. and me, telling him what I wanted. letting him be nice and giving and sweet. it was so dark. we couldn't even see each other. I kissed his eye, he kissed my nose. I kissed his chest, he kissed my forehead. and I put his hands where I wanted them. and when I was ready, I told him. and it was good. it wasn't the best, but it was so good. and you know what else?

 

I kept my eyes open. the whole time.

 

yeah, it was dark. but I did it. I really, really did. and when it was over, I was okay. I did not feel guilty. I felt a little silly. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. but I did not feel guilty. I did not feel forced. I felt just fine.

 

earlier in the night, I picked up his phone while cleaning. I told him I had it. he told me to put my number in there. I didn't. while in the room, I mentioned something about the hostess and her husband planning on setting us up. he told me he knew. that he might have looked me up beforehand. it made me feel even better. and even less guilty. because I didn't. I disregarded the notion of being set up. nor did I ask her when I arrived who the guy was. I just let it happen. I did something amazing for me. I took control of myself and I did something I wanted to do.

 

I don't need to feel bad. or slutty. or stupid. nor do I need to take any bullmess from anyone about it. J made a few cracks about it when I came home and told him. and honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings. I know he meant nothing by it, that he was just trying to be funny. but the truth of it stung me. because some people really do mean it. they really do think i'm disgusting or easy or slutty. and I don't deserve to be judged. hell, I feel like having a fucking party for it. I feel like I lost my virginity all over again. for once in my life, I took control.

 

and honestly, I would totally be straight not seeing him again. if it happens, it does, but i'm not doing anything about it. I didn't give him my number. I didn't facebook him. and i'm not going to. if he does, he does. if he doesn't, he doesn't. and i'm so okay with that. because honestly, i'm pretty sure he would be a repeat of Loaf. he told me some of his story and it was awful. he's been through a lot recently. but i'm not interested in fixing somebody. i'm interested in building a life and a family with somebody. and you know, I feel like M&M might just be worthy of that. only problem there is that we can't get our lives to mesh.

 

 it would explode me to finally get some big romantic gesture from a man. for him to show up at my door with flowers or candy or nothing at all but his smile. for him to tell me that I am it. that I am the one he wants. that if he has to move mountains and oceans to be near me, to be with me, that he will do it.

 

but i'm too old for fairy tales. too old for that kind of romance. seems like i'm one of the only ones left on the planet that believes that way. that wants a relationship the movies would be jealous of. and I guess I can deal with that. I can deal with being with a guy who loves me enough. just enough, to share a life together. but not enough for romantic gestures. not enough for movie-worthy love. and yeah, I guess that will be okay. if that's my only choice, I can be okay. eventually, yeah.

 

today was uneventful. my sweet boys partied all night too, and school ended up being officially cancelled by about 9pm, so everyone slept in. then we came home and lazed around and ate sandwiches and drank root beer and slept some more. it's been a wonderful, lazy, comfy day. and tomorrow it's back to life. back to school. back to responsibility.

 

so, tonight, after spending close to 7 hours writing this, probably forgetting tons of things, that no one would be interested in anyway, it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, all over again. and when I go to bed tonight, I go happy. peaceful. sure. and feeling so good about doing something for myself.

 

toodles, strangers. toodles.

 

 

 ooops, almost forgot to add pictures from the superbowl party! :))

 

 

 

margaritaaaaaas. my downfall, hahaha.

 

 

me and the elusive Kramer. yeah, that's his nickname. J says he doesn't need a nickname since he was a one-nighter, but I say what the hell.

 

I made one shot the whole night, but it was pretty amazing haha.

 

can you tell that a VERY DRUNK Barbie was taking these? yeah, she was.

 

 

they got a cup. >.< I tried to chug an extremely tequilay shot. hard.

 

 

the one picture we took together that turned out okay, while I was shooting. he sure is a cutie. but a forgettable one.

 

when Barbie and I played together. do you see her? DO YOU SEE HER?!?! THIS IS WHAT I STAND NEXT TO WHEN I GO OUT WITH HER. THIS IS WHY I'M SHOCKED THAT KRAMER TALKED TO ME OVER HER. yeah, yeah. every body is beautiful. and I am beautiful. but the majority of average American men would pick Barbie over me, any day. so props to that fella. big props.

 

 

Barbie & I, with no blurries. & I'm showing pictures of her without blurring, because we post pictures on facebook and instagram and you guys would see them anyway if you click any of my links. a lot of my other friends are a little camera-shy. she is definitely not. and I am not either lolz.

 

 another. can you literally tell how insanely drunk we were? yeah, we def were drunk. drunk drunk drunky mcdrunk drunk. insane.

 

 

okay, so that's all dears. it's all good.