36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.

days eight and nine. woo..

things have not been 100% awesome around the homestead the past two days. so, in order to get a clearer, more structured rundown, i'm going to split this up.

 

situation 1- breaking up is hard to do. be it a spouse, friend, or even a colleague, it doesn't get any easier. there are still things to exchange, hurtful words to be spoken, & rejection to face. normally, i get the pleasure of being the rejected. I am a never-give-upper. I will literally fight for whatever we have even as you are verbally, mentally, & physically abusing me. because if I don't have someone to take care of then i'm a failure.

hahahahaha. doesn't that sound ludicrous? doesn't that sound insane? unhealthy? unbalanced? codependent? yeah, all of those would describe that situation & myself. well, before two days ago.

see, two days ago, a woman I loved very deeply looked into my eyes. this woman had been my closest confidante for the past two and a half years. her children were my children. although, my children never seemed to be hers.. she never seemed to care too much about me, my business, unless it included someone new she could push out.

 

yes, i said it. I had a sort of single white female sitch going on, except she didn't want my identity. she just wanted me. all the time, on call for her, never full with plans to do anything else. I bought clothes for her daughters to keep at my house. I fed them, bathed them, taught them, disciplined them, tucked them in, played with them, & loved them to the moon and back.

 

yeah, except there were penalties. if i was not able to drop my life for her at once, there would be "fights". hurtful words, accusations, hiding from one another. then, right when i'm starting to seriously consider hooking as a side job, in she would swoop with money, cigarettes, food, whatever i needed, except for an apology for her totally selfish & psychotic behavior.

 

and I allowed this to go on for two and a half years. I never spoke my mind to her, never asked to be treated better. never asked why it always seemed to be my fault when we fought, ignoring the startling similarities to the relationship I recently ended with a man who was never and will never be good enough for me. so what's the difference here? oh, she's my "friend". friends don't break up. they fight & get over it. except, here I am, spending all of my time, money, energy, sacrificing any new friends/boyfriends in my life (she literally did all she could to isolate them or make them uncomfortable enough to bail).

 

I was miserable. I couldn't take it anymore. but I had this need for something solid. something beyond a shadow of a doubt that would prove to me that I wasn't imagining it. even relaying all the details to my actual, true friends, I would beg them- 'tell me this isn't what it looks like'.  .. but it always was.

 

then, she looked me in the eyes. she told me a lie. it was slightly disconcerting, since I already knew the truth of the story (unbeknownst to her). and the fact that it literally took away any and all blame possibly placed on her was the icing on the cake. here is this woman. she could tell me the truth. she could be my homie, my pal, be truthful with me. instead, she looks me in the eyes & tells me literally the dumbest lie I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. I left shortly after, deciding that it was time to end this. I graciously packed her things & her daughters' things. I took them to her house today while she was at work (which unfortunately is within walking distance of my own, fuck), along with a note.

here is your stuff. I feel like I have to be done
with this. please respect that & let me have some
space. -t

since dropping it off, I've been a nervous wreck. I knew when it came in, that it would hurt. she doesn't hit to surprise, she hits to kill. and it came in, alright, loud & clear-

she told the girls. I figured she would. I figured she would immediately take it to the girls, to try to guilt me into coming back or talking to her. and if I was stupid & weak, then I would fall for it. but instead it just made me feel even shittier, but so much stronger than I already did. but, there's gonna be plenty of people that come in and out of my life. kids included. and if I have to get over saying goodbye to people, then starting with those two little girls, who I really genuinely love, is something that has to be done. because I can't continue to interact with someone who has so little regard for me that she would do this, just to stay a part of the girls' life. just to keep them safe. I have to believe someone else will be there for them because I no longer can.. she knows all my issues. she knew this would hurt me. she knew it would fuck me up. hell, she even knew it would make me want to cut and try to come back to her.
 it's a petty move I expected, but still, it only served to validate my decision.

however, despite that, I am still sitting here. I am still employing tactics to keep from slicing myself open.

step 1- super hot shower. oh wait, no. SCALDING hot shower. stand in this until you grind your teeth to bite back the pain, till your skin is bright red, till tiny blisters pop up on your hands & legs. stay until the water runs ice cold. stay until your previous scars pop out like secret messages.

it's been so long since I hurt. I really, really don't want to. which is why it's on to..

step 2- alcohol. nicotine. whatever drug you choose, get it. get it in multiple quantities. unfortunately, i'm stuck with 2 of my 3 favorites tonight.

that cup is literally half full of vodka and half full of mountain dew. it's a disgusting concoction that I came up with after Loaf & I broke up. I drank it for three weeks straight. I was drunk allll the time. obviously, after school hours, but pretty much as soon as my kids were home it was sip sip time. this was before J moved in. I don't think i'd be able to get away with that with him here.

 

step 3- emo playlist. it's a thing. a thing that must be done. you literally go through your entire music collection. you find the saddest, most tear you down songs. then you throw them all together & listen to it on repeat.

this is the one currently making my ears bleed, lolz. but thankfully, the urge to cut has gone away. I've take a single sip out of my huge beverage, & I haven't had a single cigarette. because the most important step is..

step 4- get it out. write, talk, sing, scream, cry, punch, kick, stomp, clap, bang.

do whatever the fuck you have to do to get this feeling the fuck OUT of you. because the longer it stays in, the longer it festers, & the more damage it's going to do to you. so I cried. and I wrote this. and the only thing i'm feeling right now is regret that it's after 9 on a Friday, my kids aren't home, J is leaving, & i'll probably just pass out as soon as I finish this. so, onto the next!

situation 2- ah, feels. so fantastic. >.<
but seriously. everyone loves that feeling when you meet someone new. you get the butterflies, the giggling, the hope. when you look at them, you see endless possibility. welp, there's a fella like that for me right now. it's not often in my life that a guy makes it far enough that i'm actually considering telling him all the deepest & darkest. i'm fucked up when it comes to men & sex & relationships.

I had my first ever blind date (not with my current fella, who we shall call ... M&M), but with a fella I called Farm, back in November. Date was great, he was alright, we had sex, & I bailed on it. I put up the front that I was interested, but in reality I told him zero about me that went beyond my sexual interests. That worked just fucking fine for me. Then came Caveman. we were set up by the friend I just broke up with. He seemed like he could be something pretty serious.
Turns out, he had feelings for her. But still thought I was amazing & tried to guilt me into having sex with him while he was ridiculously drunk. Having been raped four separate times, I was pretty terrified. The ex-friend had left me alone with him & I didn't know what to do. She told me later that if she had known I was scared she would have gotten me out. Okay, I'm fucked up 86 ways from Sunday. The amount of tequila I drank alone, which she knows makes me stupid as hell, would have sunk me. But that plus the other party favors I sampled had me foggy as LA. I was stuck in this man's bedroom with him for about five hours while he came in and out of consciousness & I was certain I was going to be attacked at any moment. However, thankfully, that didn't exactly happen. I was able to push him off when he did get a little handsy. sort of. but that doesn't count & i'm not counting it. so shut up.

 

i'm a weak person. when a man wants something from me that I don't want to give, I don't do fight or flight. I do freeze. I become literally immobile. I have learned by now that I can just stay still & it will be over soon. that's a horrible awful way to deal, I know. and it's caused me to be so disgustingly timid when in bed with someone consensually. I literally want to do things, my head is full of ideas, but i'm too afraid to go after I want. because I never get to do that. the fella gets what the fella wants & I get left alone.

 

now, between these two, came M&M.

 

he was like a breath of fresh air. he was funny, real, down-to-earth. and most importantly, he was my age. we began texting pretty constant. conversation flowed easily. in between these two men, he was there. after both of them were gone, he was there. being awesome and charming and sweet. it wasn't really hard to like him. it was insanely easy, actually. the easiest thing I have done in my life.

however, he lives 2 hours from me. when both of us work our asses off just to make ends meet, it doesn't leave much left over for visits/dates/whatever. for two months we've talked, joked, flirted, & discussed meeting.

 

last night, shit got real. last night, he offered to drive here after work (at midnight). making his arrival 2 am. what a first date, eh?

his idea threw me for a huge loop. I had no idea how to even begin to comprehend this. wait, he wanted to come all the way here in the middle of the night? with no guarantee of sex? okay, obviously, he wants something. probably sex.

good thing I was in the absolute worst mood ever & desperately needed to see him for the first time. his arrival time ended up being more like 3 am. the witching hour. I could barely breathe as I stood outside on the stairs. my legs were going pretty numb. I was so scared that he was gonna take one look at me and change his mind. but as soon as he got out and his arms were around me.. I felt something I haven't in a very long time. I felt positive.

 

we had an amazing night & day. he was respectful, funny, sweet, caring, giving, sexy, patient, & just insanely understanding. I couldn't stop assuming he was gonna slit my throat at any moment. People, men, they are not nice to me like this. It doesn't happen. It never ever happens. So obviously he's just playing me. That's my theory.

yeah, well, even if that's the case, today was definitely the best so far this year. the details are mine to keep & cherish. but as he left me today, I felt such disappointment. I wasn't done spending time with him. I wasn't done kissing him. I wasn't done letting him make me feel so alive & desired & likeable. But I let him go. And letting him come back is a decision I haven't made yet.

I like him. Oh god, I like him & it's so terribly dangerous. Because liking someone means opening up. And I want to open up to him. I've already shown some of my silly, weird, crazy pieces to him. And he was totally amazing about them. But that isn't a guarantee that he'll stay that way. I am scary & intense & broken. What use could he possibly get from me? and the distance... i'm such a physical person. I crave touch and intimacy. could I actually handle a distanced situation without completely deteriorating?

but instead of worrying myself sick about it, I think i'll put the topic to the side. we are not together. there has been no question or discussion. and if it stays at visits like today, well maybe that'll be enough for me. but now isn't the time to figure that out. now is the time to get the sleep I have literally been craving all day.

so, now it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, i'm lonely, & I have a lot of things to sort through.

and I now have a crazy exfriend to hide from until she *hopefully* moves next month. fun times, fun times. if you're reading this and you have any advice, i'm desperate.

toodles.