not much to report, my frans. still been fighting the sickness. it has literally destroyed my body and my hope ha ha. today is finally a day where I feel just fine. not 100%, but just enough to get dressed and put on a bit of makeup. I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRA ON FOR GOD'S SAKE.
and i may have also made my return therapy appointment today. I know. i'm totally equal parts excited and terrified. i said before that i would one day get into the reason I had to quit going, so today seems as good as any.
there was a girl. I had grown up with her, but because she was a few years older than me, we lost touch. when therapy was going great, a women's trauma group was planned. the very first day there I met her again. we instantly started catching up and getting to know each other again. I also made connections with several other ladies in the group. I felt like this was going to be great.
we got close pretty quickly. both of us suffer from similar problems. and if you know me, you know that I am a caretaker. it is my job in life to take care of others. well, at least that's how I see it. so I did my best. I tried to help her. work with her. teach her. try to help her cope with her problems.
yeeeah, I'd like to say I did a slammin' job. i'd like to say I helped her. but in reality, she wore me down. she exhausted me. it wasn't even that she had issues, because I have issues. but it's that it was the exact same issues every single time. no matter what I told her or how I tried to help her, it never changed. she was always upset about the same things. I couldn't take it any more.
so I tried so hard to say it right. to word it so that she would not misunderstand me.
but she has the same problems as me. including not being able to clearly discern someone's intentions. here was our last, facebook, conversation. we texted as well, but it was all the same shit.
December 3, 2013
You have to stop this. You have to take control of your life & put effort into makig it what YOU want. Otherwise I have to tell you that continuing to text me about how you're miserable every single day but you dont want to do anything to fix it, cannot keep happening. Good things happen every day. There are so many good people. But you are completely wasting your life. For no reason. & it kills me to see it. I dont think you're so weak that you can't salvage your life. You are strong. But you just ignore it. It's hard for me to get these messages from you every day. I am trying to be there for you & encourage you, but I cant do it alone. I love spending time with you. You are my friend. I am not saying I'm done with you. What I am saying is that until you start takig control of your own life, do not come to me with the same set of problems every day. It's way too much pressure & stress on me. I can't handle it because I care too much.
Dont feel bad about cutting. At least you made it this long. Try to double it.
Don't answer this tonight. Read it 100 or so times and go to bed. If you want to ride with me, call me in the morning.
Dont feel bad about cutting. At least you made it this long. Try to double it.
Don't answer this tonight. Read it 100 or so times and go to bed. If you want to ride with me, call me in the morning.
12/3, 9:13pm
Facebook User
No its fine...i didnt know texting and saying i was feeling depressed was texting you the same set of probs over and over. Dont worry it won't happen again
Ill keep it to myself. I fucked up by telling you. I'm not going to group tomorrow. Goodnight
(for real though, see the time? EIGHT MINUTES. EIGHT. I also received like 15 texts too. which is why I waited till the next morning to respond. blerggh.)
12/4, 6:35am
December 4, 2013
See, I asked you to not respond. I very, very carefully wrote what I wrote, so that you would understand that I was not condemning you for feeling bad or telling you to stop coming to me.
But instead of actually reading what I wrote, you just flew off the handle. Which just proves my point. I can't handle that kind of pressure. That every single thing I say is NEVER taken correctly. You basically didn't hear anything I said.
I'm resigning from being your friend, because I feel like I am not strong enough to take care of you. Plus, it's really wearing on my own mental health to keep all your problems on me.
I wish I could still be your friend. But you don't trust me, you don't believe me. You can't even do me a small favor by not responding to me & by taking a breath & reading it again until you fully understood.
I won't be making you feel uncomfortable at group. I'm not an asshole. & I'm not ditching you either. I'm stepping down because you don't trust me or want me around anyway. It's all on you, lady. So YOU think about it. I'm just tired of the whole woe-is-me, my mom ruins my life, nothing is ever good in my life. It's exhausting. & you could fix every bit of it, but you never ever will.
hope to see you at group.
But instead of actually reading what I wrote, you just flew off the handle. Which just proves my point. I can't handle that kind of pressure. That every single thing I say is NEVER taken correctly. You basically didn't hear anything I said.
I'm resigning from being your friend, because I feel like I am not strong enough to take care of you. Plus, it's really wearing on my own mental health to keep all your problems on me.
I wish I could still be your friend. But you don't trust me, you don't believe me. You can't even do me a small favor by not responding to me & by taking a breath & reading it again until you fully understood.
I won't be making you feel uncomfortable at group. I'm not an asshole. & I'm not ditching you either. I'm stepping down because you don't trust me or want me around anyway. It's all on you, lady. So YOU think about it. I'm just tired of the whole woe-is-me, my mom ruins my life, nothing is ever good in my life. It's exhausting. & you could fix every bit of it, but you never ever will.
hope to see you at group.
12/4, 6:35am
Facebook User
12/4, 6:49am
There isnt anything to think about it...if you don't want to be my friend anymore because im having a hard time then i dont really know what to say. If you truly knew what kind of night i had you would understand. I am fucking human and make mistakes. Thanks for having faith in me....not.
12/4, 6:49am
Facebook User
Good job keeping all the friends that use you though and dont give a fuck but yet getting rid of one who actually cares...thank you for reminding me of why i stay to myself and fucking hate people
12/4, 8:15am
Toni Lynn Choate
You are an idiot. You didnt understand anything I said. So now I'm really done. Enjoy ruining your life & nnever ever being happy. I have a life to live that doesnt include whiny, pathetic, useless people who will never try to better themselves. I want to be healthy. You don't. Enjoy! :))
12/4, 8:15am
Toni Lynn Choate
December 4, 2013
You did this, not me. Make sure you at least understand that.
Facebook User
I didn't do anything and for you to say those things to me shows what kind of person you are.
12/4, 2:06pm
Toni Lynn Choate
12/4, 2:09pm
You did, actually. You twisted my words & went batshit crazy on me for no reason. Even my patience runs out at some point & it finally did with you & your endless drama. I have no desire to speak to you again. Bag my stuff & set it outside. Figure out a way to get my money where I dont have to see you or give me the phone back.
12/4, 2:09pm
Facebook User
Yep fine with me because i don't need more people in my life that put me down...should be getting my cs fri and ill put ur money in with ur stuff
You still have my phone btw...
12/4, 2:10pm
Toni Lynn Choate
12/4, 2:13pm
No i want my stuff today
12/4, 2:13pm
Facebook User
Ok.....
Ill put ur money in an evelope under my rug fri whenever ur ready to get it
Maybe tomorrow but looking more like friday ....i need ny
My safelink phone please
I'll bring that & swap it for my money when its ready
Coming to get my stuff. Set it out please.Dude, really?
yeah, totally mature adults. I know I was being an asshole, but honestly I was past my breaking point with her bullshit. her issues are not mine to talk about, but they are bad and they are multiple. but when she is coming to me about the same ones every single day, yet never wants to try to stand up for herself or better herself... I just couldn't anymore.
I never got my money back. I just let it go, along with her. and this, as you can see, was the first week of December. so when Past looked me in my eyes & lied to me, she used this girl's name as the bad guy. a girl I haven't spoken to since days after this conversation. can you understand why I was so angry? why her lie was so big to me, that it broke the fragile link still connecting us?
because this girl is dead to me. she took therapy from me, she stiffed me on money she owed me, and she basically turned everyone in our group against me with her lies. while I said nothing. I just backed away and tried to be the adult.
so going back today, not exactly a happy welcome. but it's time. because I need it. and I am ready. and if I see her, she better make sure she doesn't say a word to me, because I will slap the fuck out of her. i'd be happy to spend a night in jail for that.
let you all know how it goes this evening.
toodles.
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