i'd love to say that I woke up this morning, feeling totally enlightened & stress-free & fantastic, but definitely not the case.
sometime in the wee hours of the morning, i woke up screaming. my back was locked up in a tight cramp. i laid there for three hours, screaming, crying, trying not to move but failing miserably. By the time I realized I was in trouble it was 8:45. I was already supposed to be up way before that to start on my godson's cupcakes & get my house cleaned up. I texted two of my friends (one of them my downstairs neighbor & the godson's mother), letting them know that I couldn't move, please please help. I set my phone down and tried to turn over & pain ripped through me.
Next thing I knew, it was after 11 & my phone was ringing.
this is the 5th time this has happened in the past week. i'm thinking it's time to look into some options here. I've had back problems since I had my first son, but this shit is bull. I don't care if I have to have surgery, I want this shit done.
right now, I have finally managed to get up. my legs feel like noodles, all wobbly and useless. my back is still tight, but now I have medicine in me and im drinking coffee & the cupcakes are in the oven, thanks to help of my true friends. the ones who don't make me feel like shit. the ones who don't try to destroy everyone/thing in my life.
but I still feel the fear & pain & terror from last night/this morning. when I was screaming over and over and no one came. kind of a stark realization of my life. even J didn't hear me, because he was sleeping. it made me really miss having someone in bed next to me, to wake up & hold me & rub my back & talk to me softly, carefully, quietly, wipe my tears away, & keep me calm until the pain goes away. Loaf (the most recent exBOYFRIEND) used to do that whenever i'd have nightmares (which was a pretty often occurrence. maybe he was poisoning my dreams lolz). I don't think I've had any since we split, but i'd never know anyway. he'd always wake me up & tell me I had been whimpering or screaming or crying. no memory on my end.
but, this is single life. I picked this. not that there have been tons of options, but I could take the slut route lolz. I could have a different man in my bed every night.
I could have taken the 19 year old (Jailbait) who really liked texting dirty to me. I could have taken B-Squad, who was nice & never tried to text dirty, but just didn't seem like someone I could be with. He seemed a little too much like a friend. There's not a shortage of dudes, unfortunately, but none of them seem to be worth the trouble it takes to create something with them.
or maybe I just don't want to. every time I've decided to share my life with someone, it's always blown up and i'm left there, holding all the responsibility, all the pieces of our lives. because i'm not a quitter. I never quit. I will literally exhaust myself to make things work. and finding someone who feels the same way.... yeah, doubt that's likely.
wow, such a emotastic life I lead.
i'm gonna try to write some more later. maybe find something on the internets if no more drama rama occurs.
as long as the EXfriend doesn't show her face to me today, then all should be just fine. just fine.
toodles.
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