my drama-rama parade with the crazies at mtsu really got me thinking about assholes. I've seen plenty of them in my life & they never seem to be subtle with their intense assholeness. it's basically like a huge sign hanging over their head.
so, let's talk about ex, bay-bee.
Loaf.
I've had a few boyfriends. There was the baby daddy who was my boyfriend for 3 weeks. He told me he loved me & I dumped him. I couldn't handle that someone could actually have such strong feelings for me. Two weeks later, ooops I'm pregnant. We never got back together & after a couple years of both of us taking turns being shitty parents, we finally got our shit in order. We now co-parent the hell out of our son & it works just fine.
Then came Husband(we will get into him and that story sometime. maybe not. maybe never). We were together for almost 5 years total. He was 14 & I was 17, in the beginning. He was there for the birth of both of my sons (even though neither of them were his, I got pregnant with Calvin while we were split up). We got married right after I turned 21 & he turned 18. Pretty sure it was in August. By January, he decided to move out & that was that. Divorce was final in June. Married almost a year.
Then came Husband(we will get into him and that story sometime. maybe not. maybe never). We were together for almost 5 years total. He was 14 & I was 17, in the beginning. He was there for the birth of both of my sons (even though neither of them were his, I got pregnant with Calvin while we were split up). We got married right after I turned 21 & he turned 18. Pretty sure it was in August. By January, he decided to move out & that was that. Divorce was final in June. Married almost a year.
Anyone that came before I turned 17 doesn't count. Most of them were those school-age "relationships" that actually meant nothing. & clearly, the few I've had since becoming a "legal adult" have not been the healthiest or most stable. (And I have had more than my fair share of fellas that could have turned into something more, but I ended up bailing on them.)
Ah, but Loaf. Now here was something different. I had known him for half my life. We had "dated" twice before, weeklong trysts that meant nothing. The majority of the time I was with Husband, I never even saw or spoke to him. After we split, however, Loaf reappeared. He was living in Nashville at the time & I was still (obviously) in my hometown. We began talking & texting every day. While I truly appreciated the attention & the closeness we were developing, I didn't trust him. I knew him too well to trust him. He was always a little bit of a slut, never able to actually commit to anyone. And here I am, in an extremely vulnerable place. I have two kids. I'm looking for something super serious.
After about 8 months of talking & visits, he made the choice to move back home. I was there the day he did. I spent the entire weekend with him. He took me to a family gathering two days later. That night, laying in his bed, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I laughed at him & shook my head. "No way, I said. You aren't ready for this. There's no way you can handle me." His response was, "Well, I've been handling it for two days. Shut up and be my girlfriend already."
So I did. Our relationship was pretty amazing. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, but we always worked it out. I felt for sure that we would be together for the long haul. We talked about marriage and kids and what we wanted out of life. We seemed to be in perfect sync.
So I did. Our relationship was pretty amazing. We had our ups and downs in the beginning, but we always worked it out. I felt for sure that we would be together for the long haul. We talked about marriage and kids and what we wanted out of life. We seemed to be in perfect sync.
Then, something happened. With huge pushing from him, I started attending therapy. As I got better, our relationship got worse. It quickly became clear to me that by seeing me become healthier, he was deteriorating. He wanted me to continue being the bad guy, to continue being able to place all the blame on me & my illness. & before I started getting help, that was the case. There were times that I was awful. But the blame didn't fall on me anymore. Now it fell on him. Fight after fight after fight.
When we had only been together a few months, we had a fight. We both said disgusting things to each other. After making up & calming down, he asked me to not say things like that anymore. I agreed. & I asked the same of him. For the next year & couple months, I stood by my word. No matter what he said or did, I never said anything to him to hurt his feelings.
But he never stopped.
Crazy, psycho bitch. Stupid lazy idiot. I can do better than you. I hate you. You are the worst person I have ever met. Why are you so fucked up? Get over yourself.
But he never stopped.
Crazy, psycho bitch. Stupid lazy idiot. I can do better than you. I hate you. You are the worst person I have ever met. Why are you so fucked up? Get over yourself.
That's just a tiny snippet. From months upon months of bullshit. He also took it upon himself to have sex with me, against my will, one afternoon. I was crying & begging him to stop. He didn't. I didn't speak to him for three days after that. (there were several other times that he got pretty rough with me during sex, which led to me crying & curled up in ball afterwards & him spewing apologies out) But I still stayed with him.
When we broke up, it was the funniest thing.
At the last minute, my mom had decided to take the boys. We went back home to get ready & have a small night out. As we were getting ready to leave, he was smoking a popkin. (code word for something haha)
I suggested he put it out so we could go. Apparently, this was NOT cool with him. He made a big show out of sitting down & continuing to smoke. So I said, "alright, i'll be outside". I went out, put my key in the door, turned the lock & left it there, figuring he would understand that I was upset, but that I had left my key for him to lock the door.
By the time I got downstairs, I had a text from S. She needed a cake pan. So back up I ran. When I came in the house, he was picking out a movie to watch.
>.<
At the last minute, my mom had decided to take the boys. We went back home to get ready & have a small night out. As we were getting ready to leave, he was smoking a popkin. (code word for something haha)
I suggested he put it out so we could go. Apparently, this was NOT cool with him. He made a big show out of sitting down & continuing to smoke. So I said, "alright, i'll be outside". I went out, put my key in the door, turned the lock & left it there, figuring he would understand that I was upset, but that I had left my key for him to lock the door.
By the time I got downstairs, I had a text from S. She needed a cake pan. So back up I ran. When I came in the house, he was picking out a movie to watch.
>.<
I knew where this was going, so I told him to suck it up & come on. I took S her cake pan. He came outside & said he wanted to use my phone. I laughed at him. Surely he didn't think that he could act like a spoiled brat, then expect me to just give him my phone? Yeah, at this point I was pissed. I told him the only way he was touching my phone was if he rode with me to drop the boys' stuff off & fucking talked this out with me.
That went well. We argued the whole way, with me begging him to end it & him continuing to say every possible insult he could come up with.
That went well. We argued the whole way, with me begging him to end it & him continuing to say every possible insult he could come up with.
When we got back home, he told me to drop it. That he needed to stop talking about it to be able to get over it. Even knowing that I *need* to talk things about to feel better & that relationships are not about just one person. But I did it. We sat in silence, then went to bed in silence. The next morning, everything seemed better for him. But they weren't for me. However, instead of pushing things, I was going to let it go. Be the bigger person.
I was making breakfast silently when he came in. He asked me if I wanted a popkin. I told him no. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "Look, man I'd love to talk about it, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to continue making breakfast & doing the dishes. Because no matter what comes out of my mouth, you'll find a way to make all of this my fault & I can't deal with that right now."
"Well, if you think I'm giving you a fucking apology you can forget that, you stupid crazy bitch. I don't fucking owe you shit. You owe me a goddamn apology, for being such a cunt."
Then he stomped back to the living room. He literally wasn't in there for five minutes before coming stomping back. And here is where the fun started.
He picked up where he left off, berating me. I said nothing for almost two hours. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "Please stop. Please please please stoppit. I want to leave."
But I wasn't allowed to. I had to sit here & deal with this. I finally had enough. I lost it. All my self-control, patience, sanity. Everything I had learned to take handle of during my time in therapy.
I told him I was done. I told him I hated him. I told him that he the worst person I have ever met. And I stood in front of my bedroom door while saying this, so he could not leave. So he would have to listen to me this time. I threw my phone into the bathroom, because he was never getting anything else from me.
And when he put his hands on me & tried to shove me out of the way, I pushed him back.
He left a few hours later, after things had calmed down, & I had a breakup message waiting for me on facebook when I woke up the next day.
Fun times.
I felt such relief & peace when it was over. But that unfortunately didn't stop me from continuing to sleep with him on and off for the next couple months. But the last time it happened, I knew it was the last time.
He came over. I literally kept my physical distance from him all night until bed. Laying next to each other turned into sex, mostly because I was lonely & desperately needed it. Before, our sex life had been incredible.
We had sex three times. Dunno if you can count it though, because all 3 lasted less than 10 minutes (that was new) and I literally felt nothing the entire time (also new). The last time, he actually cried. He cried. While he was in me. And when he came, there was this weird high-pitched scream that came out. J heard it & thought it was me. When I told him it was Loaf, he laughed so hard he almost died. So, that's over.
Haven't spoken to him since. Don't want to speak to him. Don't need to. I don't think about him or wish for him anymore. Yayy. Closure.
I was making breakfast silently when he came in. He asked me if I wanted a popkin. I told him no. He asked me what was wrong. I said, "Look, man I'd love to talk about it, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to continue making breakfast & doing the dishes. Because no matter what comes out of my mouth, you'll find a way to make all of this my fault & I can't deal with that right now."
"Well, if you think I'm giving you a fucking apology you can forget that, you stupid crazy bitch. I don't fucking owe you shit. You owe me a goddamn apology, for being such a cunt."
Then he stomped back to the living room. He literally wasn't in there for five minutes before coming stomping back. And here is where the fun started.
He picked up where he left off, berating me. I said nothing for almost two hours. The only thing that came out of my mouth was "Please stop. Please please please stoppit. I want to leave."
But I wasn't allowed to. I had to sit here & deal with this. I finally had enough. I lost it. All my self-control, patience, sanity. Everything I had learned to take handle of during my time in therapy.
I told him I was done. I told him I hated him. I told him that he the worst person I have ever met. And I stood in front of my bedroom door while saying this, so he could not leave. So he would have to listen to me this time. I threw my phone into the bathroom, because he was never getting anything else from me.
And when he put his hands on me & tried to shove me out of the way, I pushed him back.
He left a few hours later, after things had calmed down, & I had a breakup message waiting for me on facebook when I woke up the next day.
Fun times.
I felt such relief & peace when it was over. But that unfortunately didn't stop me from continuing to sleep with him on and off for the next couple months. But the last time it happened, I knew it was the last time.
He came over. I literally kept my physical distance from him all night until bed. Laying next to each other turned into sex, mostly because I was lonely & desperately needed it. Before, our sex life had been incredible.
We had sex three times. Dunno if you can count it though, because all 3 lasted less than 10 minutes (that was new) and I literally felt nothing the entire time (also new). The last time, he actually cried. He cried. While he was in me. And when he came, there was this weird high-pitched scream that came out. J heard it & thought it was me. When I told him it was Loaf, he laughed so hard he almost died. So, that's over.
Haven't spoken to him since. Don't want to speak to him. Don't need to. I don't think about him or wish for him anymore. Yayy. Closure.
I'm not used to relationships. I'm used to liking guys & either getting rejected or having them treat me like Loaf did. Which is why staying single is so much easier for me.
I can't do relationships. I also pick stupid guys. I always freak out when they say they have feelings for me or want to be with me. I know that I am awesome & amazing & wonderful, but it's just too hard for me to grasp that someone could actually want to be with me & mean it. No one ever has before, without completely destroying me in the process. I'd just like to know what love is like without me having to give up everything for it, including my sanity. :/
I can't do relationships. I also pick stupid guys. I always freak out when they say they have feelings for me or want to be with me. I know that I am awesome & amazing & wonderful, but it's just too hard for me to grasp that someone could actually want to be with me & mean it. No one ever has before, without completely destroying me in the process. I'd just like to know what love is like without me having to give up everything for it, including my sanity. :/
Sigh. So, this is over. I'm done. Night, night.
tooodlesss.
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