there are some things i need to talk about today. they are going to be painful. they are going to be explicit. they are definitely not for the faint-hearted.
I have been raped four times. i am a 24 year old woman, a mother of two, and four separate times, a man has had sex with me against my will. and one time, a man attempted to. the first time anything like that happened. the predecessor for every single other time. and we are talking about them today. i am not using their real names, because it hurts too much and I couldnt stand to look at them there on the screen, yelling at me. but its time to get this the fuck out. right now.
#1- my mother's boyfriend. he showed up in december. january was when it happened. for a full month, I got to know him, told him secrets, felt comfortable with him. i was glad he was with my mom. so glad. he seemed like a cool dude. then came that night. i was on the computer, minding my own business, on the harry potter boards. when i say i was 14, remember that sexually I was about 12. oh, i'd had sex by then. yeah. one time. and it lasted about four seconds. and was with a guy I barely knew. just to get it over with already or whatever. no big deal. I was all set up to learn and explore by myself. I had no issues with it, wasn't scared. not yet, anyway.
he asked me to watch fight club with him. i agreed. hell, sure. what's that gonna hurt? we'd watched movies together before. I lit a cigarette. he let me smoke. totally should have been a clue, right? nah. naïve. innocent. stupid.
he made me a drink. Kahlua. cant drink it to this day. cant smoke menthol cigarettes. cant watch fight club. he ruined a lot for me.
i asked where his drink was. he told me he couldn't drink, because he got horny when he drank. damn, another red flag. but remember, 12. innocent. naïve.
despite his reservations, he ended up drinking most of my mine. while I had plenty of experience with both cigarettes and weed at this point, alcohol and I did not have a very mature relationship. we still don't. i'm a lightweight. so it didn't take much to get me wobbly. but I still understood. when he started saying flirty things to me, I told him to shut up. when he started to rub my stomach, pushing my shirt up inch by inch, I managed to push his hands off and sit up. then i took two steps to the computer chair and fell in it. the whole time my mouth is going- 'no, stop this no. you are with my mom. what are you doing'.
when he stood in front of me, his face in my face, asking me for a kiss, I said no. I covered my mouth. i started to cry. i didnt know what to do.
I pushed past him and couldnt unlock the door. the door I had shut, while i was smoking, but had not locked. the door that I could not figure out how to work, stupid alcohol. i sat back down on the edge of the bed because my head hurt and i didn't understand anymore. he was there, again, in my face. just a kiss. one little kiss.
then my brother. screaming. banging on the door. him, opening it, promising it was nothing. my brother, ordering me to my room. with an hour before the bus, I laid on the floor of my room and listened. I didnt understand. before i left out the front door, he handed me a letter. it was literally the dumbest thing I had ever read in my life. i tried to ignore it. i went to school all day and to my dad's that night.
I was next door at my grandmother's when the phone rang. I had just finished telling my cousin the whole story and the look on her face was scaring me really bad. my grandmother brought me the phone. it was my mother.
"exactly what did you do last night?"
wait a minute. hold up. I am 14 years old. i am a child.
"I drank.. and I smoked cigarettes.."
"NO. what ELSE did you do last night?"
oh. that's how we're doing this. im the bad guy. right. totally correct. it was all me. yes. me me me.
"why don't you ask him what he did last night?"
with that i hung up and i exploded. I had never before cried so deeply and so painfully, but I did then and I have again.
you know what happened after. my life fell apart. I lost my mother. I lost my home. i lost myself.
I didnt have sex again for two years. and when i did, it was a stupid, dangerous one-night stand. tobin's dad, also basically a one night stand. husband was the first guy I stayed with for an extended period of time. and our relationship was bullshit. I was so unhealthy, so damaged. he had no hope. I ruined him and us, all by myself.
#2- during my time as an idiot, when i was 18, living on my own, getting fucked up, I had a bunch of friends. and those friends had friends. one of those was a guy. I didnt much like him. he was an asshole. rude to everyone. but when i spent time with certain friends, he was there too. one afternoon, a group of us were at my house. when I got tired, i went to my room and laid down to sleep. when i woke up, he was there, standing next to my bed. i asked him what he needed and he said nothing. but then he started taking his clothes. oh no. that was not happening. i sat up to tell him no way and he hit me. and again. and again, all while stripping down and getting on top of me. I kept fighting, he kept winning. he was a big guy. over 6'2''. probably 25o to 300 pounds. i was at the smallest i have ever been, so i was no match. but i kept fighting. and he kept hitting and hurting me. that made it last that much longer.
after him, when it happened again, i didn't fight anymore. because when you don't fight it goes away faster. and you don't get too hurt.
#3- calvin's dad was this one. yeah, I know. intense. we met in Nashville, he seemed really sweet. i was there for friends for a night out. still 18. barely a month after #2. this leads me to believe it's like a goddamn beacon on us somewhere.
THIS GIRL IS RAPE-ABLE. GET HER!
THIS GIRL IS RAPE-ABLE. GET HER!
we had a room so we didnt have to drive home. he came back with us to hangout. we fell asleep talking. no big deal. when i woke up in the middle of the night with a blinding headache, he was having sex with me. I tried to push him off, i told him no, and he told me to shut up and just kept going. so I stopped and let it happen. my friends were in the bathroom, taking a shower. what could i do? scream? what if he hurt me? what if he killed me?
and now i have a son. a beautiful, amazing son. and i wouldn't change him or replace him with anything. because even through the deepest, darkest, most awful parts of our life, there comes light. and he is my light. he is the reason i got better. he is the reason I vowed to become a mother they would be proud of.
#4- this one i've talked about. loaf. you may think it was just some lover's game misunderstood. but no. I told him first thing that morning when we woke up together that there would be no sex today. I was on the tail end of my period, plus i was sick with an awful stomach bug. i was not having it. the whole day, he kept trying to kiss on me and turn me on and nothing was working. because I didn't want it.
i took a shower, came out in my towel, and started putting lotion on. i was trying to relax and feel better so that we might could have sex later. apparently this wasnt acceptable to him. he grabbed me, pinned me down on the couch. ripped my towel off. I fought him. I fought him hard. i kicked and screamed and scratched and used our safe word. he ignored me. he fought me back. he didn't hit me, but he didn't stop either. so I stopped fighting. i started crying. begging. please loaf. please don't do this to me. said the safe word again and again. he ignored me. he kept going until he finished. then he got off me and went to the bathroom. I laid there and cried for over an hour. then i took him home and i didn't answer his calls for three days. I cut myself. I yelled at myself. I yelled at god. again and again and again. why again. he has apologized a thousand times. but really, that does nothing for me.
#5- those kids I was a nanny for? they have a dad. when I got the job, he would bring his daughter to me after picking her up from school, wait for his son to get off the bus so he could help with homework, then head to work.
swell guy, huh? we had been friends before i got the job, when he was still married to their mom, but there had been an incident. he had come on to me really strong, but i was not about to cheat with my friend's husband, so I bailed, shaken.
I had forgotten about it, let it go. it had been over a year anyway. one night, he was hanging out. he ended up drinking some, so I told him the couch was open. this was before J. just so happened that the kids' room was full of sleeping babies, his included. I was in my room, in my bed, half-asleep, door shut. it busted open. not two seconds later he was on top of me and in me. I had enough composure to say no about 1000 times, but he wasn't having it. he told me to just hush and deal with it. it was blessedly very quick and then he got up and walked back out. I attempted to talk to him about it a few days later, but he never answered me. so I erased him. i did not allow him in my house. he finally got to me through K (WHO HAD A FUCKING AFFAIR WITH HIM LIKE A GODDAMN MONTH AGO LIKE A STUPID FUCKING IDIOT BUT WHATEVER) and told me he was ready to talk about it.
I told him to go fuck himself. and now that my job has ended, I NEVER have to see him again. which is amazing.
this is why men terrify me. I am nothing to men. just a toy. just something to get and toss aside. how else am i supposed to feel?
how am I supposed to get up every day and live?
I have no fucking clue, but I'm doing it. and I am doing it very fucking well.
but finding a guy who isn't going to do that? and who will be able to understand and accept that?
yeah, when pigs fly.
sorry for this horrible shit. but it's my life and it's legit and if I read it again, im going to fucking die.
toodles.
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