Being a mother is literally the most unforgiving, painful, exhausting cycle I have ever been through. Today, for example, I am miserable. My head is pounding, my throat is sore, nose is running, & body is aching. But, alas, I am still in charge of dinner, because there are two tiny people who would really like to eat. I'd love to say that I fed them with a smile on my face, but the grunts & winces of pain were coming from me, with every step I took.
I realize that I am not alone in this way of thinking. And I also realize that those women who never, ever freak out about being a mother are liars. Huge, disgusting liars. Because there is absolutely nothing cool and chill and relaxed about BEING IN CHARGE OF ANOTHER HUMAN. Seriously, shut up with the bragging about how cool you are & how you go with the flow. We all know that when you're home at night, lying in bed, drinking wine & watching Netflix after the kids are asleep, that you secretly wonder if you're literally the world's worst mother or just the runner-up.
Today, I felt like the worst. To be fair, this week has really kicked me in the kidneys. Both my electric & water bills need money put on them before a shut-off happens, I have no gas in my car, & I really just feel like jumping off the roof. And my impending unemployment is both scaring me and encouraging me.
I thought about potential job places today and the first one I'm going to look into is our local paper. I actually won a scholarship my senior year of high school from them & I've always been into writing & interviewing & photo-snapping. They recently let go of one of their reporters/photographers, so I figure now is the best time to check it out. I have a pretty horrible fear of rejection, but I'm hoping to push past it & get this spot!
-In the midst of this daily breakdown, I feel like inserting a few photos, so you get a sense of who my little family is. :))
tobin & i
My boys are 6 & 4, but will be turning 7 in May (Tobin! Whaaaa?) and 5 in April (Calvin.. no..). Obviously, I'm having some problems coming to terms with the fact that my children are actually becoming people. The thought alone truly terrifies me. But anyway, back to my job search-
I'm hoping that 2014 is really a different experience than 2013 was. I feel like last year was the year I really stepped up & demanded my independence (oh yeah, I just neglected to think about the hard parts- ie, bills, gas money, house things, bills). But this year, I'm ready to push boundaries & do something I've always been afraid of.
I want to leave my hometown.
Moving scares the beejeezus out of me. The thought of being outside of my comfort zone, away from some of my closest friends... ugh I get antsy just considering it. But the upcoming move of the woman I nanny for (who also happens to be one of my closest friends & her children are my godchildren & all) has pushed me to really consider. If I actually secure a job in or around the area she is moving to, then a full move won't be far behind. I've actually set a goal to actively pursue this & I feel that writing it on here means that I can't just neglect it. I do have other family & friends who live where she is moving to, so I feel like the transition won't be too terribly difficult. I hope to see some support & encouragement from some of my local friends, but I'm sure they'll all try to talk me out of it again.
I would love to continue spilling my guts & getting to know myself, but I can barely continue typing. So exhausted. Before I go though, I do plan on having some weekly themes in the blog, along with a daily photo. I'm going to work a little more on the themes tonight (while trying to sleep, ha ha), but starting daily photo today! :))
Even though I feel miserable today, here is some cuteness-
Thank you for taking the time to stop in & peek at my day!
Toodles!
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