36, 37, 38. also, breakdown of bipolar disorder as it applies to me.

oh man, yes. more uneventful days. I really wish I had something of consequence to write about.

I had my nephew Connor since Thursday, but both boys went with Tobin's dad Friday & Saturday, so me & Connor just hung out. Yesterday we ended up going to Lucky's to do some laundry. by 11 I was exhausted so we came home & passed out. I turned my phone on vibrate so I wouldn't be bothered. woke up around 9 to this-

my pof has literally been exploding. I don't get it. nor have I answered any of them. trying to be less.. active in my man search. had too many burns here lately.

so the top person is my sister, mother of the nephew.

then obvs, my downstairs neighbor.

 

 

then, a fella from tinder. he has apparently been trying to get in touch with me since January but I use tinder so rarely that the notifications weren't popping up. he asked nicely enough for my number, so I gave it to him. haven't given him a nickname yet though, so he remains unnamed. nor is there an evaluation ready. I guess you could say i'm keeping it close to my chest. I just had my morning smoke with mrs & didn't mention him at all. nor have I said anything to night. I love my family & respect their opinions, but at the same time i'm so over this whole 'dating' thing. it's exhausting.

then you have lucky. after spending most of yesterday at his house doing laundry, he wanted me to pick him up from the bar & go watch the Hobbit with him. yeah, no. exhausted man.


so, what I really want to talk about today is something I find pretty interesting, mostly because it happens inside my head.

I have severe bipolar disorder, severe depression, & post traumatic stress disorder.

this basically means that a lot of the wires & doohickeys in my brain don't work the way they are "supposed" which makes me susceptible to mood swings, suicidal thoughts, yaddda yaddda.

but I want to explain to you what it feels like to go from manic to depressive. because I know the feeling. it's a part of me by this point.

 mania-  I am happy. I am hopeful. I feel strong, invincible, incredible. I feel beautiful. I have no problem being loud, opinionated. I want my house full of people 24/7. these are the times i'm more likely to drink & go party. I will be the coolest bitch you've ever met. I am also just a tad high-strung during this time. it doesn't take much to upset me & get me into a tizzy.

but for the most part, with understanding it, you also become skilled at controlling it. and i'm doing pretty good. I know when I've had too much "excitement" & I need to calm down. because the breaking point is mere inches away.

this has to be my favorite part about my illness, though. because while it can lead to some not-so-great things (excessive drinking, excessive spending, violence, aggression), it also comes with this like... euphoria. I may get angry, or put out, but I always have this feeling of awesomeness, no matter what. I wish I could stay manic all the time. but then i'd probably slit my throat out of exhaustion. and beat the hell out of everyone.

depression- I feel unhappy. hopeless, tired, weak. anything anyone says can hurt me and it usually does. getting out of bed takes work & it usually puts me in a foul mood. I withdraw. I ignore texts. I don't want visitors. I don't want to leave my house. I want to lay in my bed and be miserable, thank you.

this is harder for me to control. I used to run depressive more, but for the past few years mania has been my main temperature. so I've forgotten how to get out of this funk. I've forgotten how to push past it and live. if you take me out when i'm depressive, oh fuck. it's gonna be a bad night man. at least for me. some of my friends seem to find it quite easy to have a good night, even while i'm wasting away mere feet away.

I know when it's coming. I feel a weight settle slowly over my entire body. I feel pounds heavier, which simultaneously makes me feel less attractive, though my body looks exactly the same as the day before. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain begin to fire slower. it's like i'm in a clear fog. I can see, but I can barely move. my thought patterns change from the positive to the negative. smiling and laughing and acting normal takes so much energy that i'm left laying in bed exhausted. and throughout all that, as if it wasn't enough, I get these... feelings. these snaps of emotion. and their express purpose is to make me want to cut. to bleed. I visibly twitch when they happen, which makes me look even crazier.

I also have problems reading people's intentions. like if you say to me, on a beautiful day, 'hey let's go for a walk!', I could hear 'jesus you need some exercise. i'll walk with you so you'll get up off your ass'. see the difference there? fucked up. so when i'm depressive, this shit is magnified. I can't understand anything anyone says because my brain makes everything sound negative. (it's not as much of a problem when i'm manic but I still have some confusion there. I tend to take everything either in a positive way or an aggressive way lolz. I guess that is a problem, now that I've read it.)

my brain is not well, my friends. besides dealing with that every day, I also have several other issues and quirks and habits that are all a part of me. but none of that makes me less of a person. or less worthy of anything. or more inclined to put up with bullshit. sorry, but even mentally ill I know you don't tell someone you've met one time that you want them to be your wife. this isn't 1954 and you shouldn't conduct yourself like it is. it's not romantic, it's creepy. I also know you don't cuss someone out for trying to tell you how they feel. you don't lead someone on and go hot&cold, just because you can't deal with saying how you really feel, out loud.

how funny, that i'm the fucked up one. i'm the one with all the problems. but all these fellas that breeze in and out of my life have got a laundry list of issues staring them in the face, but they don't have the balls to admit it.

i'm telling mine to the internets. the abyss of information. yeeeah. makes me feel the least bit better about myself, there.

ask anyone I know. i'm the first one to say I gots problems. it's a running joke, but it's so serious too. mrs. squiggles knows to keep calling me and texting if she hasn't seen or heard from me in days, to make sure i'm not just about to slit my wrists. night knows to make jokes and initiate conversation if my "foul mood" lasts more than a few hours. they subtly and carefully keep me alive and safe, simply by caring about me and paying attention to my swings. it sounds exhausting and a total time-hogger, but it's not. they do these things as simply as they breathe and live. I've never asked them to, or expressed mention that they do, but I know the facts as they do. this is how I am and without support and love, i'll never make it through. past never did do that. she didn't know how to act around me, how to make it better. her solution was to get me drunk.

you can't just give me clichés. i'm smarter than that. I know better than that. when some of my not-so-close friends try this technique, I just laugh and tell them to zip it. it's not gonna work. it's not gonna pull me out. it's not even going in one ear and out the other. it's just not going in.

the way I see it, there's a wall inside my head. constantly. all the time, I am mentally kicking and screaming and crying and punching. on the other side of that wall is control of myself. sometimes I knock a few bricks out and see through. I shout and yell and get some shit done. but when I have to catch my breath, the wall builds back up. and I have to start all over. every single day I am fighting against myself. I see myself say and do things that I have no control over. it's like my body and mind is on autopilot. and the machine is corrupted. think of the Pixar movie, Wall-E. Auto controls me. it would be wonderful to shut it off one day, but I don't allow myself such high hopes. i'm too real for that shit.

so where I am now is depressive. I am sitting here in my room, drinking coffee, typing this, texting on and off with lucky & a few others, feeling all the weight in the world on me. most of the time when i'm sitting and writing, I smile. I yell at night. I sing out loud to the music almost always playing while i'm writing. today I grimace. I frown. I don't look at or talk to night. I slam things, kick things, cuss under my breath. everything is under my skin and pushing me down.

so, I reckon i'm done for now. I do need to shower and Lucky is waiting. i'll share with you guys our little convo this morning, because it has to do with my blog. yayz.


 



alright, toodles dears. i'm out.

32.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that you will be able to go all eternal sunshine in your brain. there are so many things and people that I would really like to forget all about. and there are things I wouldn't touch. it would probably be surprising to most people what i'd keep and what i'd wipe away.

out of things to do.

i am updating again today, because I am right now counting down the minutes to something and this seems a lot more productive and healthy than staring at the clock and crying.

no, I don't want to talk about it yet. maybe later tonight or tomorrow, but not right now. right now, we'll talk about Husband. we haven't covered that really yet. so why the fuck not now?

after learning I was pregnant at 17, I didn't feel the things I thought I would. I stood in my best friend's house, holding that test, about to go to a party, and I already knew. and when it confirmed a tiny baby in my belly, I was kind of okay with that. I didn't really feel scared or panicked. because, despite everything, I was going to be a mother. I was already in the beginning of my senior year of high school. my dad was definitely going to have a heart attack, but when I told my mother, who had very recently rejoined the ranks of parenthood, she was totally fine. she asked me if I was sure and I told her I was. she sent me to get a blood test, which only confirmed it that much more. like 3 pee tests weren't enough, jesus.

I met husband that semester. I didn't pay him much attention in the beginning. it was my senior year and I was a pretty popular kid. people know me in this town. I literally started changing my hair so much to attempt to disguise myself but it never helps. I can't hide here. someone always recognizes me. he sat behind me in just one of my classes, but it happened to be the one I was the most outspoken and myself in. one of my favorite teachers taught it, so I had free rein to be silly and crazy. one day, I asked to use his hoodie as a pillow. he was quiet and young and sweet. I swear to you the bad part of me must have latched on at that point. we started writing notes and talking and talking on the phone. total adorable school romance.

the first time I met his mom, I hated her. and I continued to hate her every fucking second until we broke up for good. it was for good reason, I promise. because she didn't like me much either. she thought it was bad that I was pregnant, that I was older. all of those were valid reasons, but I was a young girl. and not just yet a parent. I didn't understand or comprehend what she was feeling, seeing her very young son trying to take on so much responsibility so soon. but he was a dream. so sweet, so innocent, so in love with me. and I loved him too. at this point tobin's dad was definitely not in the picture and we were both fine with that. this was our kid. I know, we sound total white trash silly, but whatever.

tobin was born and he turned 15. I turned 18. seriously, this really happened. god I feel like such a huge perv writing about this, but whatever. we were good for another year. but now I was out of school. and he wasn't. and I had an infant child. it put a lot of stress on us. and everyone around us. I am also not ashamed to admit that parenting took me awhile to get the hang of. I leaned on him, a lot. definitely a lot more than I should.

we broke up just before valentine's day. I had a dream  about it happening the night before. every detail was the same. it was the exact same. that's one of two times that's happened to me.

that's when I lost my mind and my self-control and went bananas. the whole time we were split up, we still saw each other and talked on and off. by august, we were discussing getting back together. but he didn't want to tell his parents. by now he was 16 and I was 19. god, gross. then I found out I was pregnant. time to get serious. we had slept together near the time of my Nashville rape & the baby was conceived around then, so we had a 50% chance of the baby being his.

I thank god every day that it wasn't. that's correct. I would rather my child be the product of a rapist than my ex-husband. and it's not that he was bad. it's that after all the pain and agony I put him through, he definitely did not deserve that too. but he loved calvin just the same. and my son, my poor sweet baby, has lost every single father figure he has ever had. and it's my fault. I will never be able to make that up to him, ever. and the ways things are looking, I will never be finding one to stick around either. he has lots of males in his life, but he has never connected with them the same as he did with Loaf. he was just a baby with Husband, but there was a deep connection there too. and he lost both of those.

but anyway. we got back together, our families got the fuck over it, and sweet calvin was born. four months later, I had a job and my dad found me a place and sort of shoved me out and into it, so there was that. he was never meant to live with me, because he was just 17 by this time, but he was already homeschooling and almost done, so he just did anyway.

and for a while, we were kind of happy. we were both working and taking care of babies and it worked. but at the time, my mental health was probably the worst its ever been. I was constantly depressed, constantly suicidal.. it was a bad time. it didn't help that my boyfriend was a 17 year old boy, so he was lazy and messy and addicted to his xbox. >.< we got into a lot of arguments. we said awful things and did awful things. he was the first person I ever experienced domestic violence with. that house was riddled with holes and dents when I moved out, alone and divorced.

right after he turned 18, I turned 21. I had been going out with friends a lot for a while and being legally able to drink made it worse. i'd leave him home with the kids and go out and get wasted in Nashville. sucks for him, right? yeah, totally admitting i'm a piece of shit.

when I figured out a way we could get married and soon, I told him. he agreed. later, during one of our last fights, he told me the only reason he had said yes was because he didn't want to start a fight.

where did the love go? I wondered. that you would agree to marry me to keep a fight from starting.

the wedding was short and at the court house and it was so hot that day I couldn't breathe and I looked awful and was not surrounded by the people I wanted to be. but oh well. now i'm married. woo..

it didn't take long to break apart. the violence got worse, he started chatting up old girlfriends and talking to them for hours and lying to me about it, then he followed me outside one night and ended up slitting my wrist. at the time, I was incredibly messed up in the head, so upset and angry and hopeless that I had gone outside with a razor to try to calm down before I hurt myself. when he followed me, he grabbed my wrist and yelled at me and told me if I wanted to die, he would just let me. and he drew the blade across my left wrist. that's where my scar there came from.

less than two weeks later, we were having an argument. he was at work till midnight, so I talked to him the whole time, trying to fix things. I baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies from scratch, got the kids to bed, and waited. he promised me that when he came home we would have a serious talk.

instead, he packed up his things and told me he was leaving. and not coming back. that as soon as he could he'd have the divorce done. he never even said goodbye to the boys. he just walked away.

I found things out later. that one of his exgirlfriends and his best friend both had told him to leave me. she had promised him they would get together if he did. they never did. his best friend repeatedly cheated on his wife (she left him a while later) so he told him if he didn't want to do that too, then he should just leave. that he had cheated on me with his best GUY friend in our home. that after he left, he continued doing things with him for a while.

in the months that followed, i got worse. now i was alone, depressed, suicidal, and broke. after several months of being unable to find a job and the house I was living in slowly slipping away from me, my illness won. I stopped fighting. I stopped trying. I stopped living. and not for the first time.

I wrote letters to my friends and family. I stockpiled pills. I recorded a video and set up instructions. and I sent the boys to the my dad's house. it was my last night in the house we had shared together. I was 22. I had not seen or heard from anyone in days. divorce is a sickness. people are afraid to get too close and catch it. and many of my friends were married then. they are not now..

I reached for the first bottle. just after getting the cap off, my phone chirped. and again. and again.

it was Loaf. and that's where this story ends and that one begins.

husband moved on pretty quick, though we did have a small tryst once afterwards. he's engaged now. he seems happy. I've tried my best to help him and apologize to him and attempt to make up for the things that happened, but it's best when I just leave him alone. so that's what I do.

the boys are in bed and the time is nearly here. i'm going to go downstairs for a bit until it's time. then I will be ready. and hopefully, i'll feel better afterwards. and also have a helluva story to let you all in on when it's over.

toodles. <3

ermagherd! day 31!

that's right! i'm updating on time! yeeeeah! and we passed the first month marker!

yeah, I made that on paint. what in the hell is it to you? :D

this has become such a great part of my day. being able to sit down and get all my thoughts down where I can read them whenever I need to... it's incredibly awesome. it really gives me more of an introspective look at my stupid junk. and I have so much damn stupid junk. I have so many things to talk about, and people to update about, so let's just get right in this shit.

past- since the last text, things have been quiet. i'm assuming that she has either given up or she's planning on putting a bomb in my car. either one are likely. but there is some hilarious news that I learned by default. apparently after she attacked Barbie for hanging out with me, Barbie told her to suck it up. that she was going to be friends with us both and if that wasn't okay, then it was her choice to go on. that made me feel kind of awesome. it's really easy for people to make me feel like shit. but when they stand up for me like that... it's amazing. but because Barbie and her are still talking, I am learning some things here and there.

like the fact that she was sleeping with Lucky's best friend. and he has no clue. dude was here for like two weeks straight, staying the night. I had no idea who it was until Barbie told me. as we know, Lucky is crazy. and if he were to find out that his best friend was banging his sister... definitely not okay. and because Barbie shared this information with me, it gave me the power to do something about it. and I didn't. I haven't. and I won't. because I just love proving people wrong. I love them thinking I am going to be just as dirty and mean and low-down. because then I don't. and I win. and winning, I like that shit. doesn't happen much, but when it does... bliss.

besides that, her move date is steadily approaching. I truly cannot wait until that day. I may have a party. because then I don't have to look outside before I leave. I don't have to miss her. I don't have to think about going over there and fixing everything, because I miss being needed. and the girls... kids grow so fast. they change so quick. and.. oh god never mind im crying. moving on to other news.

OH GOD HOW DID I FORGET THIS. ON VALENTINE'S DAY, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING TO S ABOUT MY DATE. I HAD TO WAIT TO LEAVE BECAUSE PAST WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE DUDE. LATER, BARBIE TOLD ME THAT SHE HAD GONE OVER THERE BEFORE MEETING ME AT THE BAR AND PAST WAS ALONE. AND PISSED. BECAUSE APPARENTLY DUDE AND HER WEREN'T WORKING OUT. HER WORDS WERE 'If you need Viagra, then you should probably be fucking using it!" i'm sorry, but karma is really doing me some solids this week. for real. hahahahahahahaha.

lucky- since yesterday, things have been silent. I said some things to him that I didn't elaborate on here, so I will now. when we were talking about Casino, I was telling him how great he was. thennnn I said-

"It's pretty different for me." (at this point I looked him straight in the eye, because I wanted it very clear who I was talking about lol) "He doesn't play games. He tells me he likes me and he acts on it. He doesn't run away whenever feelings come up. He doesn't do stupid confusing shit. He doesn't torture me by hanging all over other girls. He cares about me and wants to get to know and possibly have something serious and long-term with me. Because he isn't a stupid, selfish man-child who would rather die miserable and alone than be with a good woman."

then I smiled real big and told him his jealousy was showing and change of subject- bam. that's one of the few times I've ever really stood up and said how I actually felt, especially to him but even in general. i'm getting really ballsy this year. go 2014!

last night, I stayed up until 4 am to talk to to Casino on his breaks. in between that, I did a lot of thinking. I thought about Friday night. about how I followed Lucky and that girl outside. how I was originally planning on stabbing him with my high heel. but then all I did was ask him if he was going to his house, because Barbie and I were supposed to go pick something up from there and I definitely didn't wanna see any more of it. he told me he'd be home eventually. and they left and I left.

but there were a hundred different things I could have done to stop it. a million things I could have said. and I didn't.

because in the back of my skull, blinking on and off, were lights. and they did not spell lucky.

casino- oh dear lord i'm in trouble. big, deep trouble. the more I talk to this man, the more i'm getting my hopes up and feeling positive and thinking that this time, out of all the times, may just be different. may just be good. but then there's that saying 'if it looks too good to be true..' right? so surely, something just hasn't come out of the woodwork yet. or maybe he'll decide what so many other fellas have over time- that i'm not worth it.

I am broken. I don't hide it or sugarcoat. I am all kinds of fucked up. there are things about me that are not okay. and I always, ALWAYS feel guilty asking someone to accept that. yeah, I gots kids. yeah, I've been divorced. yeah, at the moment i'm poor (but at least my bills are paid, trick ;))). yeah, I've been raped. and beaten. and emotionally destroyed. I can't look intimacy in the face. I can't be comfortable or in charge in bed for a long, long time. I have crazy hair. I yell, a lot. i'm sad 6 days out of 7, even when things are going right. because I just am. so what gives me the right to just tell someone they have to accept that? even though I am always 100% willing to accept any and everything you got going on. i'll let you hit me, berate me, use me, rape me, take my money, take my food, run out all my gas, use all my hot water, break my heart. whatever you want, you gots it. but I don't expect you to take anything at all from me. the first time I get upset, it's totally cool if you bail. you don't want to wait for sex? I get it, there's the door. I won't keep you here. I understand you deserve better than me.
that doesn't mean i'm gonna change. I sure as hell will not. because through all my bullshit, I clearly see who I am. and who I still will be. and she is a force of nature. better get the hell out of my way. but at the same time I get that it's a lot. it's too much for most people.

but does that mean it has to be too much for any people? that there is literally never going to be an instance of someone fully and completely accepting me?

I'm sure I'll soon be finding that out, because I did a very rash thing today. I gave mister casino the link to my blog. >.<

yeah, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I gave it to M&M too, but i'm pretty sure he never read it the first time. can't say I think casino won't. that's how much he enjoys getting to know me. like, for real. he legit likes learning about ME. WHAT THE HELL! I can't stop being honest and open with this guy. which i'm sure is just a recipe for disaster. I can imagine him reading all this convoluted crap and running for the nearest exit. being me is not easy. and being with me.. well, ask the pile of bodies in my rearview mirror. they all can't get enough of me, still want me, beg for me... but they are still bodies after i'm done. whatever emotional and physical trauma and pain I incur, they do too. months later. when the realization that i'm gone reallllly sinks in. when the incredible patience and givingness and greatness of me starts to be clear. when they think, 'damn, I raped that chick and we dated for another 8 months' or 'holy shit, she's finally moving on and i'm just realizing how much I really love her'.

too little too late. that's what I get. confusion. pain. jealousy. anger.

I don't understand this guy. he is nice to me. genuinely so nice. sincere. caring. compassionate. like, what in the hell is he doing talking to me? I still haven't figured that part out. and talking to him, I don't like the things it does to my head and my heart. I mean, I do, but I don't, because I don't understand them. i'm so scared of moving too fast but at the same time I want to move at lightning-speed. fuuuuuuu.

and let me tell y'all, when I say I was nervous before we met, that's an understatement. I can't even get into all the things that went through my head, including that he wasn't coming. but he showed up. and his smile... damn, he has a nice smile. a really freaking awesome one. and right now typing this and thinking about him, I have that feeling. in my chest and stomach and my head. like i'm drinking a very delicious, very alcoholic beverage. he warms my insides. everything about him is like an explosion in my head. he fits every marker for a guy I've always wanted, plus some more I didn't even think about or hope for.

I want him. I want to be his girlfriend. never in my life have I ever felt that way that quickly. i'm scared to death here. but at the same time, I can't allow that to happen. not yet. not until i'm super super super sure. cause right now i'm just super sure. and if I mess this up, I know it will never come my way again. and I would never be able to live with myself if I lost him. even this early, it's serious. i'm serious.

so maybe it's not true what they about good things. maybe I actually deserve one. I have a hell of a list of bad shit in my life. surely it's time for another good one? I got my boys, and it's been 5 years since Calvin was born. so it's time, right? right.

I seriously cannot wait to tell everyone about him. even though that's basically already happened lol. my friends and I are family and it's like a network. good news travels faster than bad. they have all watched me be treated disgustingly. J hates Lucky and Loaf and it pisses him off when they come by or get in contact with me, because of how they treated me. pretty sure he feels the same way about M&M now too. what a dick move on his part. so since we're updating...

m&m- done. over. nada. sayanora. after Wednesday night, yeah fuck that. I haven't texted him and I won't be. sorry, but being drunk is no excuse man. I've had a litttttle too much of that bullmess. my last boyfriend was a super alcoholic. so is Lucky. being drunk means that you're more clear about how you really feel. and you clearly are an insecure, self-centered, uncaring man-child. so enjoy that & I wish you luck.

Kramer- haven't spoken to him since Casino swooped in and messed my head all up. :)) he did text me happy valentine's day, which was super sweet, but I didn't respond. not to be a dick or anything, but just because I was having too much fun being in like at the moment. and casino was still here then. by the time I remembered, it would have been an asshole move. I do hope he'll still be a good friend though, because he is pretty hilarious.

everybody else is doing just fine, my boys included. they finally got their room clean, after tons of threats and time limits and pulling my hair out. I swear, they really have to push me to get their butts whooped and they came close today. but they managed to finally get it together, thank god. they are finishing lunch right now, then it's a movie and hopefully I can get them to take a nap cause i'd love a peaceful shower or bath.

casino is sleeping. sigh. which is totally lame. :P no, it's not. it's good and i'm glad he is getting rest. but moments without him seem so much longer. we have plans, big ones, for this coming week. and of course, i'm starting to think twice. because this time, he'd be meeting my kids. m&m never did. or caveman. or farm. he will be the first guy that wasn't already my friend first and knew them, to meet them. and after what loaf did to calvin.. he's still heartbroken over losing him. how could I put them through that again? but how can I not see him again? I have a lot of decisions to make in a very short amount of time, so here's to clear heads and positive thoughts.

I told my kids about him almost immediately. that he was my friend. would they ever want to meet him? that was a big YES. then we had our date and I brought my flowers home and they were totally pissed that they did not get to meet him. but completely impressed that he brought their momma flowers. that got their attention. I have never ever talked to my kids about a guy before. shit. this mess is serious, isn't it? that's what it feels like, isn't it?

i'm totally screwed. >.<

toodles, loves.

thursday (day 28), friday (day 29), & saturday (day 30! omg!)

seriously, I have been THE WORST BLOGGER these past few days. and I do apologize for that. but as I said, things have been busy. but let's get right into business here.

so much.

Thursday post will be coming soon, followed shortly by today lolz.

I have literally been so insanely busy it's not even funny.

and right now, at this very minute, I have 50 minutes until my valentine's lunch date with a fella who literally is a whirlwind. I gots the feels for him and I am scared to death but I also feel so hopeful and ready to just go with it. I never go with it. I push it aside and delay it and ruin it. I never accept a good thing at face value.

so fuck it. here I go. I look gorgeous, feel gorgeous, & i'm ready to go be gorgeous & eat some yummy food. :))

wish me luck.. <3

toodles..

day 27!

okay, technically, it's day 28 right now. but i'll be getting to today later today ha hah ahahahahahaha.

alright, i'm just a tad INSANE RIGHT NOW. JUST A TAD.

the pure RAGE inside of me is threatening to boil over.

we will get to that eventually. but first, I shall share with you WHY i'm updating yesterday today and then today later today.

they cancelled school Tuesday night because of possible impending weather. but the fun didn't start until after my boys & I woke up. I also had my nephew, plus tobin's follow-up hearing appointment. yeah, we didn't make it. I woke up at 6 am, looked outside, saw the ice coating my windshield, briefly considered the fun of driving in that and taking three rowdy boys to the doctor, and decided against. went back to bed and woke up at 8 to call and cancel the appointment. waited all day for them to call me back with a new appointment scheduled and they didn't. i'm assuming it's because they are assholes lol. i'm gonna call again in the morning I reckon.

so, after we awoke and got moving and cleaning and cooking, I saw the snow. it was falling fast and hard and fat. big ol' snowflakes that make you wanna squeal and dance around. and we totally did. had some running around to do, and the boys behaved amazingly, so I let each of them rent their own redbox movie, which they LOVED. and I rented the new Carrie, which I actually really liked.

seriously, I am trying SO hard to stop typing random words in all caps. and to calm down and let the stress go. but this day has literally had me by the balls.

we had stress, we had yelling, we had acting out. but at the end of the day, we had a good day. a fun day, eventually.

okay, so, RAGE. near the end of this day, which was full of me being stressed beyond my limits, I received a text from M&M. I tried to help as best I could, but it went in a completely different direction in about 14 seconds. I figured that was done for the talking for the night. yeah, apparently not. I sent him a text about the delicious two-layer cake I made, because of all the stress, and he responded with a 4 page sexy sexy text. it was nice, even though it was riddled with misspellings. drunk texting isn't clear texting. so all I responded with was the 
:Oface. this was then followed by another 4 page-ish text about coming over at 7 am in the morning to see me & fuck me sideways.

i'm not gonna lie. my lady parts were totally in agreement with that.

but anyone who has read this blog at all knows that the limbo stage that he and I have been in since he came to visit has been driving me insane. it's ridiculous that we are in some kind of weirdo in-the-middle stage. nothing has been declared, no feelings have been said. so when he offered me a visit for cuddling & fucking sideways, I was kind of angry.

okay, I was a LOT angry. because I would have loved to feel important and special and needed and wanted and all those things that girls and guys want to feel.

but I didn't feel that. I felt disappointed and confused and completely used. so that's what I told him. i'd screenshot it, but it's really not worth it. I don't give two fucks.

basically he chewed me out. like 6 pages worth. there were a lot of responses I was expecting, but that was not one. so I threw the shit right back at him. still waiting for him to wake up and respond. at this point though, i'm not sure it even matters. he pretty much set whatever feels I had for him on fire and then pissed on them. and I really hate the smell of pee.

so, toodles for now. the sun will be arriving soon and i'm anxious for it. now here's some photos!

 

nephew connor receiving his valentine from aunt toni today

 

tobin & his chocolate

 

calvin & his chocolate

 

the beautiful flowers my boys picked out for me for love day <3

 

the three musketeers ready for the snow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutesy snow photos, yay! ok really I looked like shit but shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah I just like my feet. shut up.

 

 

 

slumber parties, yeeeeeeeeeeah.

 

 

 

 

 

that cake has so many feels baked in it.

 

 

 

 

 

the before yummmz

 

the bubble bath & wine I was hoping would help me feel better. didn't work.

 

 

I totally sent this to jailbait on snapchat. loser.

 

the awesome slipper boots my boys got me for love day also! they spoiled me rotten today! :))

days 25 & 26.

not much to report, my frans. still been fighting the sickness. it has literally destroyed my body and my hope ha ha. today is finally a day where I feel just fine. not 100%, but just enough to get dressed and put on a bit of makeup. I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRA ON FOR GOD'S SAKE.

 

and i may have also made my return therapy appointment today. I know. i'm totally equal parts excited and terrified. i said before that i would one day get into the reason I had to quit going, so today seems as good as any.

 

there was a girl. I had grown up with her, but because she was a few years older than me, we lost touch. when therapy was going great, a women's trauma group was planned. the very first day there I met her again. we instantly started catching up and getting to know each other again. I also made connections with several other ladies in the group. I felt like this was going to be great.

 

we got close pretty quickly. both of us suffer from similar problems. and if you know me, you know that I am a caretaker. it is my job in life to take care of others. well, at least that's how I see it. so I did my best. I tried to help her. work with her. teach her. try to help her cope with her problems.

 

yeeeah, I'd like to say I did a slammin' job. i'd like to say I helped her. but in reality, she wore me down. she exhausted me. it wasn't even that she had issues, because I have issues. but it's that it was the exact same issues every single time. no matter what I told her or how I tried to help her, it never changed. she was always upset about the same things. I couldn't take it any more.

 

so I tried so hard to say it right. to word it so that she would not misunderstand me.

 

but she has the same problems as me. including not being able to clearly discern someone's intentions. here was our last, facebook, conversation. we texted as well, but it was all the same shit.

 

day 23

today was kind of miserable. i pushed myself way too hard yesterday, because I felt so great, and i totally paid for it this morning(afternoon) when i woke up. my whole body was tensed up in a cramp. and the only munchkin here, mr. calvin, was with me when it happened. he was incredible. he poured me orange juice, brought me medicine.. he was just amazing. more amazing than I expected. I hated that he had to do it, but at the same time it's good. who knows, maybe having a sickly mommy addicted to grey's anatomy will get him interested in being a doctor? a girl can dream, right?

 

in other news, I've been feeling absolutely dreary. obviously physically, but i'm talking mental/emotional. j and i have been having some real talk conversations that have literally been making me sick to my stomach. lucky has been checking in on me since thursday to make sure i'm doing okay, which is freaking me out. and i'm about two inches from bailing on M&M. kind of really having a twisty time at the moment.

 

then there's the Kramer thing. I told you guys i wasn't going to do anything, but my sweet sweet friend that hosted the party talked me into chilling out and just freaking adding him, so I did. 'cause im weak and pathetic. :p but really because she has a point. what could it hurt? and I clearly know boys are incapable of making adult decisions 99% of the time lolz. but then i just made it worse. I gave him my freaking number. so instead of being able to walk away not knowing, im now most likely going to get to experience even more pain and confusion from another stupid guy. I could say it could be okay, but then that's setting myself up for possible failure. hopes low.

 

i just want to stop hoping. that's all I want. i want to be able to mean it when i say I can't anymore.

 

because you know what?

 

it's 11 pm on a Saturday night. j is out with loaf & some friends because tonight is loaf's birthday. but apparently they have lost him somewhere in town. not that it matters, whatever. calvin is asleep. tobin is still with his dad.

 

i'm awake. listening to pandora. typing this.

 

lucky isn't here.

m&m isn't here.

 

 

no one is here. but me. and that's the reality. that's what I should be understanding and focusing on. I can be a romantic. I can want an amazing love. but the reality is that it isn't happening. and probably never will. because as much as i want to be, i am not anything to anyone. all the feelings and energy and expectations that i put into these guys and it's all for nothing. kramer is the only one im not even halfway excited about, so thats a plus. but it probably means we'll never actually have another conversation, just communicate on facebook.

 

but they could be. if any of them actually gave two shits about me, if I meant even the tiniest bit to them, they would be. when someone you care about is sick, you help them. my friends have been there for me all weekend. since Thursday, taking care of me in any way. so these men who seem to have all the feelings for me.. where are they?

 

oh, lucky is at home. as always. watching tv. doing nothing of importance.

oh, m&m ended up having a night off, so he bought tons of beer and hosted an impromptu party. and he has been snapchatting and texting me all night and I have not responded to a single one.

 

because if I do, I will explode. and it's not even his fault, but I would. I would be so goddamned mean it would just ruin everything.

 

because it's my fault that no one is here, see. I am clearly not enough. I am clearly the problem here. if I was better, then there's no way i'd be alone again. while recovering from a sickness. crying myself to sleep for the fourth night in a row. wishing that one goddamned person on this fucking planet gave a single fuck about me.

 

and yet....

so it's me. and me, I can fix. I can be prettier, smarter, stronger, better. I could go straight up stepford. I can be whatever anyone needs me to be. I have so much practice changing myself for other people.

 

and yet....

 

I will not. because I am me. I am incredible. I am strong. I am pretty. I am smart. I am funny, silly, talented, compassionate, loyal, honest, loving, sexy, and way too confident in myself to change for anybody EVER AGAIN.

 

so, if I have to be alone, to feel such crippling loneliness, to want to die from the gaping hole in my chest, to take care of MYSELF or rely on my small children when i'm sick, then that's what i'm going to fucking do.

 

because I don't need a guy to validate ME. i'm a bad ass bitch, and that is all.

 

they don't care about me? okay then. well, i'm joining this! I don't care about you either, lucky. or you, m&m. from now on, your presence can be allowed when it's convenient for ME. which is likely to be never. but instead of being direct and honest and respectful, i'll just play it like you guys do. i'll just start completely ignoring you until you're pulling your hair out wondering what you did.

 

then i'll swoop back in. then back out. i'll be like a goddamn snitch. and neither of you are harry potter, trust me. you will never catch me. but when someone else does, and I have to break the news to you, I hope you realize that it's because I wasn't enough for you. even though both of you were just fine for me, I could have accepted either one of you completely wholly, no changes needed, I wasn't enough for you. so if you won't let me go, won't let me move on, then i'll do it myself.

 

oh and you know what?!

 

Kramer just texted me. time to head off.

 

night, night internets. thanks for being a creepy viewer of my insane, stupid life.

 

<3toodles



days 15-19

my sincere apologies, to all zero of you, for missing the past four days. i've literally looked at my computer and thought about it every single day but I have not had the strength or time to write anything. see, things have sort of cannonballed into a clusterfuck these past four days. a ginormous clusterfuck of shit haha. we shall start at the beginning.

 

 

Thursday (day 15)- the whole situation with Past's kid having lice was bugging me so bad. so, I decided Wednesday night to keep the boys home Thursday & Friday and get the house deep-cleaned, to make sure that nothing gets on us. so instead of waking up at 6 am, I woke up at about 830. the day was seemingly going to be a fantastic one. ha ha ha. yeah, right. this could get complicated, so hang in there with me.
time to introduce Barbie and Ken (who literally deserve the title. two extremely beautiful people).

Ken just so happens to be Lucky & Past's big brother. Barbie has been a friend of mine since high school. they are married, have been for 5 years. however, for the past 6 months or so, they have been having troubles. apparently it came to a head Thursday. some things happened, that are definitely not my business to share, and Barbie showed up just after I woke up. she stayed here all day and we talked and tried to weed through some of the crazy that had happened. later that night, I went to see ken, to check on him and see how he was doing. lucky was there, which made it that much worse. I've been really beginning to understand how awful and self-destructive this whole thing with him is.

(just to interrupt here, I am literally falling asleep typing this. what a super bowl sunday.)

but anyway, that was really the completion of Thursday. I hoped to wake up early on Friday & head to K's to finish doing all my laundry, because at the moment all of our bedclothes were being washed. and sleeping without a sheet and all my comfy pillows. siiigh, not cool.

 

Friday (day 16)- this day got started fairly slow. I was hoping that Barbie and Ken would be able to at least communicate today, so I could stay out of it and get my stuff done. instead, I spent the whole day texting and calling back and forth with both of them, hearing both sides of the story in real-time. which, combined with doing laundry at K's and driving around doing errands, with both boys with me, and spending three hours at Barbie and ken's house while she packed up her stuff, was pretty draining. but that night, I got an invitation from Lucky & Ken to join them for a night out. problem is, Barbie was going out with her friend and Past. at the same place as us. >.< son 1 was going to his dad's and son 2 was staying at K's, so I felt okay going out with them, just to keep things calm if necessary. we went to a local bar, which was thankfully dead. lucky was acting insanely weird all night, but I don't even feel like getting into it. we had an okay time, I drank water, and sang a little on karaoke, which lucky decided to hijack and had me laughing my ass off. past didn't come, but I did go to the other side of the bar and saw Barbie and her friends. which is when a funny little thing happened.

 

as I was leaving my house to head out, I got a text from Past. it was just her, being a bitch and an idiot and trying to upset me. I deleted it and went on about my way, but when I spoke to Barbie, I brought it up. she told me that Past had also texted her, after learning that we had hung out Thursday and Friday and that I had spoken to Barbie about what had happened between us, she told Barbie that maybe she should go apartment hunting with me instead. so I assured Barbie that she was more than welcome to tell Past that she hated me or whatever it took to get things okay again. but Barbie disagreed with me. the rest of the night was pretty tame.

 

 

 

Saturday (day 17)- my (chosen) brother B was asleep on the couch when I got home Saturday morning lolz, so when we all woke up at around 1 in the afternoon, I got about fifteen minutes with him before I had to rush to K's to get my munchkin & finish up laundry, because another night with no blankets and sheets and pillowcases was not acceptable. turns out, my brother was returning later that evening, along with several other friends, to have a little shindig. I was so excited. but first I had to work. it was to the grocery store, then here to run them all upstairs and put them away, then to K's to take her groceries in, then to do 6 loads of laundry and clean the house and make a huge breakfast/lunch and take care of all 5 kids running through the house, and then clean up after eating. whew. especially with just K and I working, because her husband got off at 8 that morning and was sleeping, it was a lot. so by the time I got home, taking all 5 kids with me, to put all of our beds back together and get all the laundry put up. while also trying to clean my house, because the past two days I hadn't been home long enough to get it straightened up. i was exhausted. every part of my body hurt. I didn't want to breathe or move or socialize. and of course I didn't finish before my guests started arriving. but fortunately we had a great night regardless, playing some drinking games and getting wobbly. :))

 

 

 

 

didn't wanna put up any of the photos of my frans & I, so they don't get butthurt just in cases and i'm too lazy to edit them right now lolz.

 

sunday (day 18)- today was the day of the big superbowl party I was invited to. and I was a nervous wreck. I was only going to know the sweet lady that invited me and her husband and Barbie, who is her sister. I tend to get pretty anxious around new people. it's hard for me to read people's intentions, so it's hard for me to know if they like me or not. and when i'm not sure if people like me, it makes me anxious. I have a big problem with people not liking me, which I know is not healthy or okay, but i'm working on it.

 

now, I offered to bring food to this party. I also offered to make a cake and cupcakes for K's son, for them to take to their superbowl party. his birthday is Wednesday, so it was all a big surprise. woke up late again, so I had a house to clean of cigarettes butts and beer cans/bottles. I managed to get things mostly under control, but I also brought K and three of her four munchkins, obviously not the birthday boy, to make all the stuffs. even though we started immediately, it was already running into 2 o'clock and we were set to be leaving at 4:45. ha ha ha. I love the saying- when you make plans, God laughs. even if i'm not overly religious, it's so true for me.

I was literally running on E at this point. my body ached from all the running around and the up and down the stairs and here to there, so I was moving pretty slow. but we got everything started and baking, then I had to get my boys ready. K was going to drive me to my party, take them with her for their party, then keep them overnight. there was about a 90% chance that school would be cancelled Monday, so this way I wasn't driving after drinking and she wasn't having to come get me late at night.

so here we are. unfortunately, several days of drama drama drama had pushed me to my limits in terms of handling stress. especially since my phone was still ding ding dinging, I ended up getting into an argument with K, our first ever, but we made up while crying and rolling up pizza bites, fifteen minutes after we were supposed to be gone already. I had blue icing in my hair. I wasn't dressed or ready. my face was swollen and blotchy from crying intermittently all day long. my anxiety was even more hyped up.

 

but I went to the party. I immediately started drinking. but I also just acted like myself, which was pretty fantastic. we had fun. we played beer pong. we watched the broncos get their ass beat. I got so disgustingly drunk, but thankfully handled myself pretty well. and there just happened to be a fella there. a cute fella. we talked. we flirted. we went on smoke breaks outside in the icy rain together. and I, for the first time in my entire life, did something crazy.

 

men always, always, always pressure me. they tell me they are fine with waiting, but then they just don't stop. and yeah, I can take the blame at times. when i'm the one to say yes, it's alright. but even when I say yes, after it's over and done, I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let myself get convinced. that my self control is literally zero.

I have never made the first move on a guy. I have never kissed a guy first. it took months with Loaf to even initiate sex and even more months after that to even be able to open my eyes during sex. I can't take the pressure, the intimacy... it's too much for me to be able to connect and communicate and be active in sex. it's so hard for me.

 

halfway through the night, the fella was headed to the bathroom. and he head-nodded me. can you understand how big this was for me? boys don't head-nod me. they don't make googly eyes at me. they don't flirt and ask me questions and tell me i'm beautiful. they don't make adorable jokes while we are standing in the icy rain and compare it to me being in the shower with them, saying it would be amazing. he literally surprised me. I was not in any way expecting him.

maybe it's just because I was lonely. things with M&M have kind of been in stasis. we still talk, I still like him a lot, but the distance and the whole poorness of both of us makes it so hard. so maybe that's the reason.

 

or maybe I don't need a reason. maybe I am just a woman, who for once in her life, felt desirable and sexy and wanted. and I took advantage of that.

 

he head-nodded me. so I followed him. and standing there in the hallway, with him being so cute, I leaned forward and I kissed him. then, when he was done and back out, I kissed him again. and later, outside smoking, we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed. oh, so much kissing. so much wonderful, sweet, nothingness kissing. and that night, we slept in the same room. on the same futon mattress in a spare bedroom. and there was more kissing. and talking. and me, telling him what I wanted. letting him be nice and giving and sweet. it was so dark. we couldn't even see each other. I kissed his eye, he kissed my nose. I kissed his chest, he kissed my forehead. and I put his hands where I wanted them. and when I was ready, I told him. and it was good. it wasn't the best, but it was so good. and you know what else?

 

I kept my eyes open. the whole time.

 

yeah, it was dark. but I did it. I really, really did. and when it was over, I was okay. I did not feel guilty. I felt a little silly. I felt happy. I felt satisfied. but I did not feel guilty. I did not feel forced. I felt just fine.

 

earlier in the night, I picked up his phone while cleaning. I told him I had it. he told me to put my number in there. I didn't. while in the room, I mentioned something about the hostess and her husband planning on setting us up. he told me he knew. that he might have looked me up beforehand. it made me feel even better. and even less guilty. because I didn't. I disregarded the notion of being set up. nor did I ask her when I arrived who the guy was. I just let it happen. I did something amazing for me. I took control of myself and I did something I wanted to do.

 

I don't need to feel bad. or slutty. or stupid. nor do I need to take any bullmess from anyone about it. J made a few cracks about it when I came home and told him. and honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings. I know he meant nothing by it, that he was just trying to be funny. but the truth of it stung me. because some people really do mean it. they really do think i'm disgusting or easy or slutty. and I don't deserve to be judged. hell, I feel like having a fucking party for it. I feel like I lost my virginity all over again. for once in my life, I took control.

 

and honestly, I would totally be straight not seeing him again. if it happens, it does, but i'm not doing anything about it. I didn't give him my number. I didn't facebook him. and i'm not going to. if he does, he does. if he doesn't, he doesn't. and i'm so okay with that. because honestly, i'm pretty sure he would be a repeat of Loaf. he told me some of his story and it was awful. he's been through a lot recently. but i'm not interested in fixing somebody. i'm interested in building a life and a family with somebody. and you know, I feel like M&M might just be worthy of that. only problem there is that we can't get our lives to mesh.

 

 it would explode me to finally get some big romantic gesture from a man. for him to show up at my door with flowers or candy or nothing at all but his smile. for him to tell me that I am it. that I am the one he wants. that if he has to move mountains and oceans to be near me, to be with me, that he will do it.

 

but i'm too old for fairy tales. too old for that kind of romance. seems like i'm one of the only ones left on the planet that believes that way. that wants a relationship the movies would be jealous of. and I guess I can deal with that. I can deal with being with a guy who loves me enough. just enough, to share a life together. but not enough for romantic gestures. not enough for movie-worthy love. and yeah, I guess that will be okay. if that's my only choice, I can be okay. eventually, yeah.

 

today was uneventful. my sweet boys partied all night too, and school ended up being officially cancelled by about 9pm, so everyone slept in. then we came home and lazed around and ate sandwiches and drank root beer and slept some more. it's been a wonderful, lazy, comfy day. and tomorrow it's back to life. back to school. back to responsibility.

 

so, tonight, after spending close to 7 hours writing this, probably forgetting tons of things, that no one would be interested in anyway, it's time for bed. i'm exhausted, all over again. and when I go to bed tonight, I go happy. peaceful. sure. and feeling so good about doing something for myself.

 

toodles, strangers. toodles.

 

 

 ooops, almost forgot to add pictures from the superbowl party! :))

 

 

 

margaritaaaaaas. my downfall, hahaha.

 

 

me and the elusive Kramer. yeah, that's his nickname. J says he doesn't need a nickname since he was a one-nighter, but I say what the hell.

 

I made one shot the whole night, but it was pretty amazing haha.

 

can you tell that a VERY DRUNK Barbie was taking these? yeah, she was.

 

 

they got a cup. >.< I tried to chug an extremely tequilay shot. hard.

 

 

the one picture we took together that turned out okay, while I was shooting. he sure is a cutie. but a forgettable one.

 

when Barbie and I played together. do you see her? DO YOU SEE HER?!?! THIS IS WHAT I STAND NEXT TO WHEN I GO OUT WITH HER. THIS IS WHY I'M SHOCKED THAT KRAMER TALKED TO ME OVER HER. yeah, yeah. every body is beautiful. and I am beautiful. but the majority of average American men would pick Barbie over me, any day. so props to that fella. big props.

 

 

Barbie & I, with no blurries. & I'm showing pictures of her without blurring, because we post pictures on facebook and instagram and you guys would see them anyway if you click any of my links. a lot of my other friends are a little camera-shy. she is definitely not. and I am not either lolz.

 

 another. can you literally tell how insanely drunk we were? yeah, we def were drunk. drunk drunk drunky mcdrunk drunk. insane.

 

 

okay, so that's all dears. it's all good.