thursday (day 28), friday (day 29), & saturday (day 30! omg!)

seriously, I have been THE WORST BLOGGER these past few days. and I do apologize for that. but as I said, things have been busy. but let's get right into business here.

so much.

Thursday post will be coming soon, followed shortly by today lolz.

I have literally been so insanely busy it's not even funny.

and right now, at this very minute, I have 50 minutes until my valentine's lunch date with a fella who literally is a whirlwind. I gots the feels for him and I am scared to death but I also feel so hopeful and ready to just go with it. I never go with it. I push it aside and delay it and ruin it. I never accept a good thing at face value.

so fuck it. here I go. I look gorgeous, feel gorgeous, & i'm ready to go be gorgeous & eat some yummy food. :))

wish me luck.. <3

toodles..

day 27!

okay, technically, it's day 28 right now. but i'll be getting to today later today ha hah ahahahahahaha.

alright, i'm just a tad INSANE RIGHT NOW. JUST A TAD.

the pure RAGE inside of me is threatening to boil over.

we will get to that eventually. but first, I shall share with you WHY i'm updating yesterday today and then today later today.

they cancelled school Tuesday night because of possible impending weather. but the fun didn't start until after my boys & I woke up. I also had my nephew, plus tobin's follow-up hearing appointment. yeah, we didn't make it. I woke up at 6 am, looked outside, saw the ice coating my windshield, briefly considered the fun of driving in that and taking three rowdy boys to the doctor, and decided against. went back to bed and woke up at 8 to call and cancel the appointment. waited all day for them to call me back with a new appointment scheduled and they didn't. i'm assuming it's because they are assholes lol. i'm gonna call again in the morning I reckon.

so, after we awoke and got moving and cleaning and cooking, I saw the snow. it was falling fast and hard and fat. big ol' snowflakes that make you wanna squeal and dance around. and we totally did. had some running around to do, and the boys behaved amazingly, so I let each of them rent their own redbox movie, which they LOVED. and I rented the new Carrie, which I actually really liked.

seriously, I am trying SO hard to stop typing random words in all caps. and to calm down and let the stress go. but this day has literally had me by the balls.

we had stress, we had yelling, we had acting out. but at the end of the day, we had a good day. a fun day, eventually.

okay, so, RAGE. near the end of this day, which was full of me being stressed beyond my limits, I received a text from M&M. I tried to help as best I could, but it went in a completely different direction in about 14 seconds. I figured that was done for the talking for the night. yeah, apparently not. I sent him a text about the delicious two-layer cake I made, because of all the stress, and he responded with a 4 page sexy sexy text. it was nice, even though it was riddled with misspellings. drunk texting isn't clear texting. so all I responded with was the 
:Oface. this was then followed by another 4 page-ish text about coming over at 7 am in the morning to see me & fuck me sideways.

i'm not gonna lie. my lady parts were totally in agreement with that.

but anyone who has read this blog at all knows that the limbo stage that he and I have been in since he came to visit has been driving me insane. it's ridiculous that we are in some kind of weirdo in-the-middle stage. nothing has been declared, no feelings have been said. so when he offered me a visit for cuddling & fucking sideways, I was kind of angry.

okay, I was a LOT angry. because I would have loved to feel important and special and needed and wanted and all those things that girls and guys want to feel.

but I didn't feel that. I felt disappointed and confused and completely used. so that's what I told him. i'd screenshot it, but it's really not worth it. I don't give two fucks.

basically he chewed me out. like 6 pages worth. there were a lot of responses I was expecting, but that was not one. so I threw the shit right back at him. still waiting for him to wake up and respond. at this point though, i'm not sure it even matters. he pretty much set whatever feels I had for him on fire and then pissed on them. and I really hate the smell of pee.

so, toodles for now. the sun will be arriving soon and i'm anxious for it. now here's some photos!

 

nephew connor receiving his valentine from aunt toni today

 

tobin & his chocolate

 

calvin & his chocolate

 

the beautiful flowers my boys picked out for me for love day <3

 

the three musketeers ready for the snow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cutesy snow photos, yay! ok really I looked like shit but shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah I just like my feet. shut up.

 

 

 

slumber parties, yeeeeeeeeeeah.

 

 

 

 

 

that cake has so many feels baked in it.

 

 

 

 

 

the before yummmz

 

the bubble bath & wine I was hoping would help me feel better. didn't work.

 

 

I totally sent this to jailbait on snapchat. loser.

 

the awesome slipper boots my boys got me for love day also! they spoiled me rotten today! :))

days 25 & 26.

not much to report, my frans. still been fighting the sickness. it has literally destroyed my body and my hope ha ha. today is finally a day where I feel just fine. not 100%, but just enough to get dressed and put on a bit of makeup. I ACTUALLY HAVE A BRA ON FOR GOD'S SAKE.

 

and i may have also made my return therapy appointment today. I know. i'm totally equal parts excited and terrified. i said before that i would one day get into the reason I had to quit going, so today seems as good as any.

 

there was a girl. I had grown up with her, but because she was a few years older than me, we lost touch. when therapy was going great, a women's trauma group was planned. the very first day there I met her again. we instantly started catching up and getting to know each other again. I also made connections with several other ladies in the group. I felt like this was going to be great.

 

we got close pretty quickly. both of us suffer from similar problems. and if you know me, you know that I am a caretaker. it is my job in life to take care of others. well, at least that's how I see it. so I did my best. I tried to help her. work with her. teach her. try to help her cope with her problems.

 

yeeeah, I'd like to say I did a slammin' job. i'd like to say I helped her. but in reality, she wore me down. she exhausted me. it wasn't even that she had issues, because I have issues. but it's that it was the exact same issues every single time. no matter what I told her or how I tried to help her, it never changed. she was always upset about the same things. I couldn't take it any more.

 

so I tried so hard to say it right. to word it so that she would not misunderstand me.

 

but she has the same problems as me. including not being able to clearly discern someone's intentions. here was our last, facebook, conversation. we texted as well, but it was all the same shit.

 

day 24. the story of my trauma. discretion advised.

there are some things i need to talk about today. they are going to be painful. they are going to be explicit. they are definitely not for the faint-hearted.